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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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Going worse than aweek ago. OKMH0102211

Resolved Question:

Going worse than aweek ago. I don;t know if I should pack up and leave, but I don't know whereto I should go then. I donot want my problems to become other peoples problems. I spoke to my husbandand we had a terrible fight. He told me that nobody cares and loves me exept for him, but how can I believe hin if he treats me this way, I'm fed up with my life . I got so mad when he told me these things that I totally lost control and threw things around. I feel like i'm a total failure and he;s probably right that nobody cares about me, so why must I keep on living? I don;t have energy at all - totally drained. I'm drinking double my prescription of /urbanol just to keep me calm, but know I sleep alot. I;m so drained and alone - don;t want to go on anymore.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Good Morning...

Dr. L :

I am so very sorry that things have gotten worse.

Dr. L :

First - your husband is WRONG...he is not the only one in the entire world who cares about you. That is an exaggeration on his part. You have 3 children...they certainly do care about you. You have friends, family, workers, and business contacts...it would be impossible that not one of them cares about you! Your husband likely said that out of frustration and his own anger...so please do not fall into that trap.

Dr. L :

NO you are not a terrible failure...just look around the farm...you have crops in the field, employees, an entire business...that certainly shows that you have not failed at building and keeping that operation going! Those things didn't magically happen...it took hard work..long hours..dedication..brains...

Dr. L :

Yes...I understand that when you are down and worn to the bone that everything looks black and overwhelming...but you are not a failure and you are not alone in the world.

Dr. L :

I am sorry all this is happening...what you need is a break from the pressure..not a fight with your husband. I believe that your husband is likely very frightened and is so filled with fear that he is not behaving rationally.

Dr. L :

Are any of your children home? I remembered that your youngest was off on holiday...

Dr. L :

You need comfort and support.

Dr. L :

I know you don't want to burden other people with your issues...but this is not the time to isolate yourself. Hard as it might be...you need to reach out and ask for support. I understand why you are taking double the medication..and yes sleep likely is an escape...but that will only provide short term relief.

Dr. L :

I see you are typing..I will wait for your response. I am here and will do all I can to support you.

Customer:

Hi Doctor. I'm so down. Not thinking straight. Youngest is home - it's her birthday today - she's with her boyfriend today. I don't know who to turn to for support. My parents are old and I know they'll support me. although |I think it would be too much for my dad - he's not healthy and they live 300km from where I live. I've issolated myself so much from everyone that I don't have a friend I can go and talk to. I'm crying as I;m typing. don't know what else to say.

Dr. L :

Let's look at your options. I am here. Let's get a plan together.


 


Yes...I am glad you realize that you are not thinking straight...that is part of the depression, part of the fear, part of feeling so bone weary about the business.


 


 


 

Dr. L :

Are people coming for your daughter's birthday? Was there a party planned...or some kind of family celebration? Do you have responsibilities for that?


 

Dr. L :

Yes...I understand that you have pushed people away and now don't have the kind of support that would be helpful right now.

Dr. L :

But please stay hopeful that you will get out of this sad spot and can move forward with a better life.


 

Customer:

No party. Most of her friends are still on holiday. So she's over at her boyfriends house with a few friends and his family.

Dr. L :

Where you to join them at the boyfriend's house?

Dr. L :

Would that be something you can do so that you are not alone?

Dr. L :

I think it would be important to get out of the house...to be around people...if only for a short time.

Dr. L :

Is your daughter - or your other children - aware of how you have been feeling the last few weeks?

Dr. L :

Do they know that you want to quit working?

Customer:

No, where not realy friends with his parents, we know them, but not on a social basis. So it's not just as if I can pitch up there and say "hi". I think they're at some or other dam "fishing" or something. There's realy nobody around that I can go to and just talk.

Dr. L :

Okay...I understand. That makes sense.

Dr. L :

Who is aware of the depression...your parents, siblings, anyone?

Dr. L :

You said that your father is frail and ill, but is your mother someone you could call and talk to?

Dr. L :

Would it be possible to take a few days off and go to visit your parents for awhile? I know you are worried about your father's health...but your health is also important...and right now you need support and care.

Customer:

Yes. my children - all of them are aware that I'mnot feeling well. The eldest doesn't really want to talk to me - as if she;s on her dad's side. The other two are caring towards me, but I don;t talk to them about what's worrying me. I know it's allready difficult for them living in a house where the parents either talk about work or do nothing else. My parents are aware of the depression, my mother wants to talk to me about it, but it's too much for me.

Dr. L :

I'm glad that your depression is not a secret...that's good...and that 2 of your children are caring. That helps. I do understand why you don't share your worries as they are your children and there are some things you want to protect them from. Certainly the situation you describe - only talking about work - is difficult for them as well.

Dr. L :

You write that your mother wants to talk...what stops you from doing that? What's the "too much"?

Dr. L :

For now...maybe you don't talk about all the details with your mother...but you let her take care of you for a few days...give yourself a break from life and sink into the comfort and care that only a mother can give. Would that be something you would consider?

Customer:

I don't know, maybe I should ask her to come and fetch me. I just don;t want to be a burden on them as well. Because that's how I feel at the moment - I'm in everybody's way and be better of if I just disappear to somewhere where I'm not in their way. I'm realy so drained that I don;t have the energy to go anywhere. Too much = she would want to get me toe evry doctor, hospital, priest, friend, dietician etc to get me "right".

Dr. L :

From what you have written...your work had become your life and you can no longer tolerate this. You need and deserve more than running this business...It's very sad and unfortunate that your husband does not see and experience what you are feeling. But his goals do not have to be your goals. And, in fact, maybe they can't be.

Dr. L :

I think a good option would be for your mother to come get you. Life is not going to change if you don't make a move here...you can continue to see yourself as a burden and that will get you NO WHERE. Or you can decide to take a small step towards feeling better and recovering from this depression.

Dr. L :

It would seem that the first step would be to get away from the farm so that you can clear your head and get some relief from the constant pressure.

Dr. L :

What you could negotiate with your mother is that she comes to get you...you rest a few days - have some healthy meals - get some good sleep...and then you will sit down and come up with a care plan. That MAY mean that you see a physician, priest, etc. but it may mean that you get your medication rechecked and just do that for the time being.

Customer:

But what happens here? My husband decided the youngest one (16) must go to boarding school this year. She's been accepted and enrolled to start next week. I don't want her to go, but It's seems as if I don't have achoice. She starts next week - needs uniforms, going on a hockey clinic etc etc, The middle child is moving into a flat in Stellenmbosch. Who's going to be there for her? Must I just leave them to go on on their own?

Dr. L :

If your husband made these choices then he has to figure out how to get them done!

Dr. L :

If you don't take care of you...then what?

Dr. L :

How much longer do you think you can lay in bed feeling absolutely drained of life?

Dr. L :

I know that it takes courage to get help. And right now that is the route that is best...for you to take care of you.

Dr. L :

I'm sorry that your husband is sending your daughter to boarding school...that seems difficult. But for now...it will have to do. As to your middle daughter...you can help her when you are better. Right now you don't have that energy..you have the desire...but not the energy.

Dr. L :

Until you get stronger...each of these worries is taking more and more energy from you.

Customer:

And then I have to hear what a bad mother I am because I don't do things for the children. Understand what I'm saying? I know you're right - I need help - have been in a clinic before - but never hear the end of it - every problems always goes back to me being mad - he said it again this morning that I'm mad. Is it ever going to stop?

Dr. L :

I DO understand. And your husband is not being reasonable or caring. Whether you are mad or not is not something he should be throwing in your face. It doesn't help one darn bit.

Dr. L :

Do you want to live life the way he wants you to? Or do you want to live life as a healthy, strong woman?

Dr. L :

He has his opinion. And that opinion is not helpful to your sense of self.

Dr. L :

You are not a bad mother. A bad mother would be one who abandons their children for no reason. You are dealing with depression...that is a clinical disease. It is no different than if you would have a heart attack or a stroke or fallen and broken your leg. You need medical help. If he is unwilling to accept that you are ill...then that is a sorry state.

Dr. L :

If the marriage is so toxic to your self and he is unwilling to seek marital counseling or do anything to improve your relationship..then that is something to be considered. You are not his employee - you are his partner in marriage and family.


 

Dr. L :

Please consider calling your mother. At the very least, perhaps she could come and help you get your daughter off to boarding school and help with getting your middle daughter moved to the flat. Would that be something you would consider? Then after those things are done you could go back to your parents home and have a decent rest.


 


 

Customer:

yes i know. i'll try to get the couragr to call her

Dr. L :

I know you don't want to walk away from your girls...but you must truly realize that the sooner you are able to clear your head of all the worries and problems and get your medications re-checked the sooner you will be able to think better and make some long term decisions. Right now everything is a muddle.


 

Dr. L :

Asking for help is never easy...particularly when we feel so very alone in the world. But you know that your mother will be there if you ask her and that she will do all she can to assist you during this rough period.

Dr. L :

As a matter of fact...you do have courage...you had the courage to write to me today.

Dr. L :

If you did not want help..you never would have written to me....

Dr. L :

Do you see my point here?

Customer:

Yes, I just know if I call her - it's the end, He won't forgive me, but maybe I just don't have a choice. I'm so desperate, I should listen to what you suggest, because I've got no one else listening

Dr. L :

This is about your life. If he cannot see how terribly pained you are and how much you need support, compassion and love right now...that this is his problem.


 


You cannot give your life over to him. You must make decisions that will ensure that you get better. This is not a situation in which you need forgiveness as you have done no wrong. You didn't ask to have depression! It's a brain disease.


 

Customer:

THANKS

Dr. L :

You are very very welcome.

Dr. L :

Depression is a disease...plain and simple. And..it is something you can recover from with the right treatment.

Dr. L :

If he cannot understand this...too bad for him. You understand it. And that is all that matters right now.

Dr. L :

This is YOUR life. And you deserve to get the help and treatment you need to lead a fulfilling life.

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. L and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.
Good Morning,
I want to check in today to see how you are doing. Did you have your mother come get you?

I was thinking more about your husband's accusation that you are mad. If he really truly felt you were mad...why would he have you running the business? Why would he have you in charge of marketing, distribution, customer relations and all the rest? Seems to me that if you knew - or felt - that someone on your staff were mad you would not give them such enormous responsibility.

When you are vulnerable - as you have been of late - it is easy to see your entire world as negative and to be "beaten down" by those who are unwilling to treat you with compassion and understanding. You need support, love, and medical treatment right now. What you don't need is to be treated cruelly and to be bullied.

When you have time, I would appreciate knowing how you are doing.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Good day Dr L.


 


Thank you so much for checking how I;m doing.


I took your advice and my mother came and fetched me. As my Pshyciatrist is still on holiday I took the courage and phoned a clinic to ask if anyone else could see me. I saw a physciatrist yesterday and I;m checked into the clinic for depression - dr wants me to stay here untill my meds are sorted out and seeing her everyday as well as phycologists. I'm still very vulnerable, but know that I need to be here. My husband doesn't know I;m here - he thinks I'm at my moms house - and it was difficult to leave the children behind. But I know I must get this help and hopefully I can feel better some or other time and start sorted out my life again. Thanx again for caring


 

Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.
Good evening,
Thank you so much for writing. I am relieved to hear that you were able to get into a clinic...it is really for the best. I like the plan...staying until the meds are sorted out and being able to see the psychiatrist and psychologists daily. Wonderful!

Yes...I can only imagine how sad it was to leave the children...but as we chatted you need to take care of you right now.

Please don't concern yourself with your husband. He is a big boy and he needs to do some thinking on his own!

I wish you all the best! You are where you need to be and I'm proud of you for finding the courage to call your mom! Hurrah!
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. L and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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