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Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.
I am sorry to hear about this relationship problem.
Having worked with couples for 35 years, you are having a "gutt" feeling that something is not right in this relationship and I encourage you to trust this feeling.
Typically, people who are cheat on their spouses have developed this pattern and it s part of their character and manner in the way that they deal (or do not deal) with deeper issues that will always surface in a relationship.
When the relationship becomes challenged- as it always will- the person acts out this pattern of infidelity.
Does this make sense.
And what does he tell you about why this happened?
I understand- Infidelity typically occur in this manner when the women is not getting her needs met in the relationship------ usually for the same reasons as identified above. When a man is not able to commit to a relationship at deeper level of mutual intimacy and be accepting of ongoing desire to deal with change, the relationship sour and women often find someone else that will meet their needs.
If he is not able to say why these relationships fail- then he has very poor insight and although he may be a good superficial partner, when it comes to dealing issues related to greater depth, you will begin to see what I am talking about.
That is correct- my sense in what you have written is that you fear addressing these types of issues because you think he may abandon the relationship?
When me do this they are dealing with the fear- it is a fear that they cannot get a grip on but again relates to not knowing how to navigate the relationship at a deeper level. Women are cultured to learn this as they grow up and have deeper emotional relationships with other women. Men, typically do not do this and therefore feel like it is a foreign language when the women wants to address these more foundational issues that make relationship solid and ready for growth.
I often use a metaphor of a swimming pool=======many women have comfort swimming in the shallow and deep end. Men prefer to stay in the shallow end. But, to have a successful relationship-both have to be able to swim in the deep and shallow ends. Otherwise, the couple is incompatible.
I am going to give you information that explains this in more detail.
This is what you are looking for:
A healthy relationship is when two people develop a connection based on:
it addresses how relationships succeed and the areas of deficit that you find are the areas that he needs to work on. Remember- you can help him get help but you cannot make him CHANGE. He has to want this himself for the benefit of your relationship. If he resists working on his issues- then , this is a sign that he may not be YOUR best choice for a long term relationships.
Do you think he wants to change?
If you use this information as a guide in assessing your relationship- you can determine if you and your friend are compatible.
Does this make sense and help with your question?
Conflict Resolution skills are also essential:
An inability to recognize and respond to the things that matter to the other person
The capacity to recognize and respond to the things that matter to the other person
Explosive, angry, hurtful, and resentful reactions
Calm, non-defensive, and respectful reactions
The withdrawal of love, resulting in rejection, isolation, shaming, and fear of abandonment
A readiness to forgive and forget, and to move past the conflict without holding resentments or anger
An inability to compromise or see the other person’s side
The ability to seek compromise and avoid punishing
The fear and avoidance of conflict; the expectation of bad outcomes
A belief that facing conflict head is the best thing for both sides
See more detail here:
Is there anything else I can help with today?
If you have additional questions- feel free to ask-I am happy to help
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