Dr. L : Hello
Dr. L : I would like to help you with your question.
Customer: OK I'm ready
Dr. L : It sounds like you have thought about this and have tried to stop on your own. Have you shared any of this with your wife or other trusted person?
Dr. L : If so how did they respond to your sharing and did it help you feel less shame?
Customer: No. As far as I know, my wife knows nothing about it. I've only shared a portion of my story with someone on a forum for men who like to wear panties. He, interestingly enough was a retired minister.
Dr. L : You did learn that you are not alone, and even ministers may struggle with this. So, what is the part that is most shameful. Is it the act or not being able to stop your impulses?
Dr. L : It does take courage to talk about sexual issues and I want to affirm you for talking to me about this. By talking about it, it helps to take the shame and emotional charge down.
Customer: I guess the act since I was raised to be "all boy" Also, I feel like an alcoholic or drug addict must feel, only my addiction is to women's panties. The forum I mentioned encouraged men to enjoy their affinity for panties and the minister I chatted with privately said I should go with it and feel no shame.
Dr. L : Ok. Lets take this one point at a time. So first you talked about being all boy. This sounds like from an early age, your sexuality had to be confined to a very macho action.
Dr. L : This might not have allowed you to be more sensitive, feminine and possibly the panties are one way to access that part of yourself. What do you think?
Customer: Sexuality was never discussed in my youth. I learned about "the birds and the bees" little by little, on my own. But I was expected to play with trucks and toy guns and such and not touch my sisters' dolls. I was fine with that but panties that I found aroused my curiosity.
Dr. L : Ok. So you didn't have a lot of options to understand your sexuality. Do you think it would have helped if your parent had said, it is normal to be curious about panties and then talked to you about sexual interests and desires.
Dr. L : Do you think that response would have satisfied your curiousity?
Customer: I don't know. It probably never occurred to my very conservative parents that I would have any interest in anything girly. One time, very early one morning, I had put on a pair of panties and the put my pajamas back on over them. My father called me to come to their bedroom. I lay down on the bed with them and while casually chatting, he slipped a hand down to my bottom as though to confirm a suspicion he must have had but nothing was ever said about it. Another time my mother caught me wearing a bra stuffed with tissues under my shirt. She made some kind of joke but nothing more was ever sais.
Dr. L : That sounds like a very confusing action by your dad and may have lead to believing it was ok with your dad to do this and yet you say he/they were very conservative which I take as meaning, did not openly talk about how we are sexual beings and that we need to channel our sexual energies into age appropriate actions.
Dr. L : Then your mother also ignored your actions. I think in some ways you were seeking out their input, even if this was unconscious and you really needed them to give you some direction on what to do with these sexual desires. This was never fully addressed but you did drop this action until the stress of the separation occurred and it is not uncommon that under stress old coping methods return.
Dr. L : From what you have said so far, I think it is understandable that a boy, in a home that did not allow sexual issue get talked about or explored, may have reinforced a covert action, that then you interpretted as shameful. However, it didn't seem like such a huge issue to you as you moved on and got married. However, in the marriage, like in your childhood, you weren't able to really talk about your sexual desires. I think this is not a big problem but it could be very valueable for you to explore this behavior to learn more about yourself and how to be more accepting of your sexuality.
Dr. L : Another words, I think it would be helpful for you to see a therapist who had expertise in sexuality. You would feel a lot better about yourself and have less shame.
Customer: I might add that I was about 9 when I first tried on some panties. I had access to them only because they were in a chest of drawers which was stored in my room because there was extra space in there. They along with some other clothes had been discarded but not yet thrown out. At that age, I didn't know about sexual intercourse. I only knew that boys and girls were made differently and wore different clothes, especially underwear. After I first tried the panties on, I had fantasies about becoming a little girl, I guess because I thought it would be fun.
Dr. L : I think you were trying to figure out gender roles, how boys and girls are different. You then discovered that clothes i.e. panties had a sexual charge to them. This was ok but you needed more understanding of this, you needed words to help you express your feelings and answers for your questions. This is not unusual. However, a lot of years went on without ever talking about it and then the panties, I think took on too much importance. What do you think?
Customer: You may be right. My interest in crossdressing never completely left me. When I first read Huckleberry Finn, I was fascinated by the scene in which he dressed up as a girl and tried to fool the old lady. There have been other occurrences too which I can't remember in detail. I do remember browsing the lingerie section of the Sears Christmas catalog when it arrived each year. More recently, I was fascinated by a movie on TV about a young boy who wound up being murdered because he dressed as a girl, a true story, I believe.
Dr. L : I do hope that our chat has proved helpful and insightful.
Dr. L : We have had a lengthy conversation here and it has been my honor to help you this evening.
Dr. L : Before I say goodbye, is there any last thing I can add to our chat?
Customer: Yes, you have been helpful. Do you think seeing a therapist is my best option? Is there anything I can do on my own?
Dr. L : Yes. Seeing a therapist would be extremely beneficial.Today, you were able to talk to me - a clinical psychologist - so I believe you have "broken the ice" and you have a good start on going forward.
Dr. L : As to what you can do on your own...read the Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck...this can help you understand what therapy is and how it will help you.
Customer: Thank you and good night.
Dr. L : You are very welcome!
Dr. L : My best to you as you move forward with your life...