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TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5776
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am having relationship difficulties. About two years ago

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I am having relationship difficulties. About two years ago my cat got out of my apt. by accident. My boyfriend was afraid that the cat would eventually run into the street so he ran after it. He was grabbing at its feet and pulling on its tail. Anyway to get the cat back in the apt. Since then the cat hisses, growls and hides whenever his around. I am super attached to my cat. I like when the cat sleeps with me at night. My boyfriend is over at least five nights awake and when he is here that cat acts like the devil has come into the house. I do not get to see the cat unless I pull him out from under the bed. I certainty cannot have him in the bed because he will not stay with my boyfriend in the bed. We get into huge fights over it. I am just wondering if this problem does goes deeper than the cat. The cat is 15 years old and will most likely not live much longer. My boyfriend always wants to stay over. I have to really put my foot down for him to stay at his own place. Then, at the same token I find some way to have him stay here. I do have a mild form of BPD and mood disorder. Is it my illness that is causing these fights?
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

If you are giving your boyfriend mixed signals about staying over your home, it could be either the disorders you have or it could be that because of the situation with the cat, you are caught between wanting him there and not having your cat be fearful.

It may help to look at the situation in a different way. Consider if you did not have a cat, would you want your boyfriend over your home as often as he is? If so, then you know that your feelings are because of the distress your boyfriend causes your cat. But if you still feel the same, then it may be because of your concern for your cat or because of the diagnosis.

Also, consider how much personal space you feel you need in the relationship. Do you feel good when you are on your own or better when you are with your boyfriend? Some people need time on their own in order to recharge. And wanting time on your own in a relationship is healthy. While it is tempting to be together all the time, each person needs to be able to be an individual then a couple in the relationship. Being together too much can hurt a relationship because you will have nothing new to add to the relationship and you cannot grow as a person if you are together all the time.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I understand what you saying. I do send message signals in the fear his going to break up with me becasue of the cat. I get annoyed sometimes when he is here. I am supper clean person and I get annoyed if he leaves crumbs on the counter, but at the same time it is ok for me to leave them on the counter. Correct me if I am wrong, but does this sound like "I hate you", but "Do not leave me". I want him here, but love when he is gone as well. Can you tell me when I should know when it is my disorder or I am being unreasonalbe.

Wanting to be alone yet wanting him there with you is a mixed signal. And although this may be part of the disorders you have, people without those disorders can have the same feelings. Many people are irritated by their partners behaviors such as leaving dirty socks around or not cleaning up after themselves. The key here is how deeply you feel you "hate" him when he does these things. If you feel so upset that you can't talk to him for example, that may be your disorder. But if you just feel irritated but are able to talk to him and get along, then you may just be experiencing the normal irritations that come with any relationship. It can be a fine line. But as long as both of you are happy with your relationship and can get along most of the time with each other, then you are fine.

Kate
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

How oftern of the time would you say getting along well is? How do you know in specific situations when a realionship is not healthy because of the disorder or becasue it is just me? I seem to not grasp what a healthy realationship is?

It is difficult to define exactly what relationship is good because every relationship is different. Because there are so many variables, each couple has to decide what works for them. As long as both of you feel happy with each other, look forward to seeing each other and can get along at least 75% of the time (give or take) then you have a good relationship. The only situation you should absolutely never stay for is any type of abuse. Other than that, it is up to you if the relationship makes you feel happy or not and that includes dealing with disorders. No one is completely emotionally healthy so each couple deals with something whether it is depression, anxiety, stress or other disorders.

Kate


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