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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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In September, my daughter was dumped by her boyfriend of 15

Customer Question

In September, my daughter was dumped by her boyfriend of 15 years. They started dating when they were 17. She lived with him the last 6 years. He is a very selfish guy. During the last 10 years he has cheated on her 3 times, gotten a DUI where she became his chauffer for 3 years, wasn't there for her when their dog was dying, wasn't there for her when she shattered her arm, is not at all complimentary, and certainly not warm and loving. He still drinks and parties on the weekends but will stay at a friend's house rather than drive. He works out 2 hours a day, 7 days a week, takes steroids and tans twice a week. Very into himself. These are a few of the highlights.
On the other hand he is a hard working guy who works for his Dad's company as does my daughter who works for my company. Both companies are successful.
Also, my daughter has her interests which is show jumping of horses. She rides 6 days a week while he worked out. She also went to shows several weekends a year.
In the past 7 years they talked about marriage and children but my daughter was obviously hesitant hoping and waiting for him to change. The change never came but she continued to hope.
This past summer was difficult for her at work, very stressful. She took the stress home with her and was rather crabby which didn't help the situation.
His sister had a baby in September which forced the discussion about children again. And again, my daughter was hestitant.
Shortly after her boyfriend asked her to leave the townhome they shared as he said he needed time alone to think about their future together based on her hesitancy to marry and have children. On October 18th he ended the relationship entirely asking her to move all of her stuff out. She pleaded to stay with him telling him the month apart made her realize how much she loved him and wanted to marry and have a family with him. She also reminded him of all the things she had done for him, including driving him around 3 years during his DUI. His answer was, "I am sorry. I can't do the same for you."
She was extremely devistated. He was the only person she had ever dated, the only person she had ever planned to marry. They never communicated again after that though she still hopes that they may get back togther thinking he is just confused and needs time to figure things out.
In the meantime she is moving forward with her life, moving in with friends in Chicago, volunteering, catching up with old friends. She is slowly realizing he was not such a great guy. He wasn't the person she hoped he would become, probably never will be though she has not entirely given up on going back together with him if he showed he could change. She is also concerned about the likelihood of meeting someone at 32 and the possibility of never marrying and having a family.
On Christmas my son got a text from a friend stating that my daughter's boyfriend was in a new relationship and the girl he is now with is about 5 months pregnant. It was posted on her Facebook page as she is friends with his sister. I am sure this all happened due to a drunken encounter.
My daughter purposely is not on Facebook as she said she does not want to know or see him with another girl. It would be too devastating.
After all of this, my question to you is do I tell her about his new relationship and pregnancy so she no longer has any doubts that he is a scum bag and will never get back together with him? Or do I let her continue to heal as she is feeling much better about herself and the situation and either never tell her or tell her in about 6 months to a year? There is also always the possibility that she will find out from other friends at some point.
I am very worried that telling her will be unbelievably devastating, crushing, and she will lose all the progress she has gained and more. All I care about is her happiness and well being and what would be best for her.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It is very supportive of you to consider your daughter's reaction to this news about her ex. With all that he put her through and her difficult recovery, she is going through a lot. It helps that she has friends to turn to and especially that she has a supportive family.

It sounds like your daughter suffered through a horrible relationship. The things you describe the boyfriend doing to your daughter could be considered emotional abuse. He seemed to be very focused on himself and did not support her in any way. Leaving this kind of relationship is always a good idea. And even if the boyfriend was the first one to leave, it is good your daughter is out. The relationship most likely would have been awful for her and she would have never had her needs met by this guy. She may have even spent her life very hurt.

Hearing the news about what her boyfriend is doing now is only going to hurt her more. And you are right, it may also set her back in her progress. Plus if the news comes from you, she may associate her pain with you and that is not something you want. Being on her side and supporting her is the best role to have in her life right now. If she is going to hear the news, it should come from friends or if it can be avoided, don't let her hear it at all. The more she stays away from this guy, the longer she has to heal and move on. Then if she eventually does hear about it, she will be in a better position to cope with the news.

Also, you may want to consider suggesting counseling for your daughter. She has been through a potentially abusive relationship and she may have deep pain as a result. Talking to a counselor can not only help her heal, but it can help her avoid this type of relationship again.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you! That's the direction I was leaning towards and I just needed that reassurance. Thanks again and have a Happy New Year!

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome! You are doing a good thing for your daughter. She is blessed to have you.

Happy New Year to you as well! Take care.

Kate

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
3899 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.