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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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For JeanN only: I am trying to get in touch with you to ask

Customer Question

For JeanN only: I am trying to get in touch with you to ask a question about Neil. As you know, he did leave his wife back in the summer, but now we are not even talking. At all. It is tearing me apart, just about as bad as this summer, and I just do not understand how he could have unloved me so quickly. I was hoping to chat with you about it.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry to keep you waiting- this question didn't come directly to me- came on line and just noticed your post.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's always good to hear from you!! I'm sorry you are in such despair over N.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

There is absolutely no easy answer for what has happened between the two of you. Sadly these things happen without a good understanding of why. It's much less about anything you did and more about where he's at in his head, in his life, in his world. It's not unlike him to live a "secret" life, as he had with you for four years. How does one explain that?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are a good woman and need to get in touch with yourself once again, begin moving on and healing from this hurt. It's unfortunate he could not have been more open and honest about what was going on, where he was headed. It's no wonder you have hung on for so long- he's given just enough "hope" to keep you in it.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It sounds like what you have feared the most is feeling "true". You do not know what is happening in his head, his life, and this leaves you reeling, struggling, asking WHY? Like you said this has been going on since last summer was it June or July?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He has not been completely honest with you- likely because he didn't want to hurt you- but guess what buddy- you hurt her- and over such a long period of time. Has he given you any specific information, such as he doesn't want contact with you?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are at a fork in the road. Your life has been on hold, waiting, hoping, praying that N would come around- come to his senses, with little more knowing or understanding than you had way back in the summer. I'm sure when he left his wife, your only belief was that he would come to you, start a life with you, and he has sadly disappointed and hurt you.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

No one ever plans a beautiful relationship, a beautiful thing to end, because it felt so right. How many people go into a relationship or a marriage with the idea it will end with a break up.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

The one for sure thing in life is CHANGE- whether we like it or not. Much of this is out of your control. You must remember you are loveable, and you can find love again. You are a bright woman and this whole situation has stumped you- for sure.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm on line most of the evening and will watch for your response. I'm glad you posted tonight.

Customer: Hey - I will have to get back online later as we are sitting down for dinner. But, the thing is, when he tells me that he loves me, and that I am the person who "inspired" him to know that he "did not have to live unhappily forever with [his] wife," I just don't understand how that adds up to...we end up not talking. He loaned me $400 back in August, idk if you remember, and I have not paid him back....I haven't had the extra money, but also, to be honest, I have kind of felt like, well, you big jerk, you owed me. And also, man, did I go down like a lead balloon. I mean, as you know, my breakup w him landed me, basically, in a mental hospital. And I am still having bad panic attacks.
Customer: The thing is, I am still very much in love with him. I feel like we are supposed to be together. The few people I can talk to about this say if it is meant to be, it will be. I can't tell you how many times I have told other people that, but now, being on the receiving end, I feel like strangling each and every one of them. Part of me wishes that somehow I could get into
Customer: MY head and scrub him out with a toothbrush, and part of me would never do that, because we were so amazing together. But regardless, I know he would never come back to me like I am now, because I am just a shell of myself. I feel like an earthquake victim. I may even lose my head. God knows my self-esteem has been repossessed already.
Jean N/20pluscounts :

ok sounds great! Let me know when you are back on- look forward to chatting.

Customer: Okay. Thank you.
Jean N/20pluscounts :

sure!

Customer:

Hey Jean, I am back.

Customer:

If you are available.

Customer:

Let me know when you are here and if you got my previous thoughts.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm here

Customer:

Hey.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I did get your previous thoughts- sounds like you are really hurting- of course!

Customer:

Yes. Absolutely. As I said, I am still very much in love with him, I cannot understand how he could have "unloved" me so quickly, and I cannot fathom how it has ended up this way.

Customer:

When I was in on every critical moment of his life for four years.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

"if it's meant to be he will be back" like finger nails on a chalk board right! Shocking, no way you will be able to know for sure what's going on with him. He did lead a secret life with you for four years!! He's capable of living as two different people in a sense.

Customer:

He always used to say that living two lives was just too hard.

Customer:

but yes, if it's meant to be, it will be, is, is very aggravating.

Customer:

although I also always say that cliches are cliches for a reason...because they're true.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

The planets lined up right- there was lots of chemistry between the two of you the way you describe the relationship- sadly feelings do change. I like the comment- brush him out of your head with a toothbrush- are you a creative writer- such wit! I think cliches come from those painful experiences when we don't always know what to say like "sorry for your loss".

Customer:

so you don't think there is any chance?

Customer:

I am sorry to sound like a HS girl...

Customer:

I think he doesn't want a woman with children...

Jean N/20pluscounts :

There's such depth of emotion that comes from loss and grief words can not always convey "enough". I think it is time for you to get busy with the task of living- what is to come none of us know. Hey wasn't the world suppose to end a few days ago lol!!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I suppose woman with kids is more "complicated"

Customer:

I don't FEEL like i have put my life on hold...

Customer:

people also keep telling me to move on, and I say, well, I have kids, I can't very well be sitting here on my thumb...

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Good to hear- great for your recovery from here on. Kids keep us focused don't they.

Customer:

but by the same token, I can't turn my emotions off on a dime like apparently he could.

Customer:

and i keep wondering if he ever thinks about me????

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Another irritant "move on"? It's more about finding closure in order to begin moving on. Do you feel you've gotten that- has he told you yes or no re: the two of you.

Customer:

I texted him at thanksgiving and asked about his mother, whom you may recall he helped relocate to florida, when he sent me 20 pictures of the model unit and I was on the phone with him for hours on end on his way down there and on his way back, includign when his mother (who has dementia) got stuck in the bathroom and he was almost arrested when he had to go in after her and she could not remember who he was...

Customer:

we talked cordially over the text, but he addresses me as if I was a service provider to him at one point in the past, like his former dentist or CPA...and THAT is just DEVASTATING to me...because he is holding me at arm's length (or more) and it drives me NUTS!!! I have a friend who is a LSW and also a psychic and she says he thinks I am crazy, which maybe I am.

Customer:

IDK.

Customer:

So I decided that there was no way, no matter what, that I would text him at Christmas, but I was SO surprised that I did not hear from him at all. I mean REALLY. SERIOUSLY. Did this mean NOTHING to him?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Of course he thinks of you- but may find much to "numb" his emotions- like work. You were there at critical times in his life- how can there not be some sort of void- but he may "avoid". Maybe when you had more to "say" in the relationship it was too much?? You were so accommodating to him for so long- that can driver a person "crazy".

Customer:

And no, I never asked him straight out, look, is there ever going to be any future for us, bc I figure he would say to me, Look, Julie, I don't know what I am doing for lunch tomorrow, or something like that.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

No contact during Christmas was a low blow- of all times- special holiday.

Customer:

Yeah. No kidding. He can be in touch with me when he is MARRIED, but then he LEAVES HIS WIFE, supposedly "inspired" BY ME, and POOF! No more contact!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He doesn't give you anything specific- but "I don't know", or insinuates that you are pressuring him when you ask questions.

Customer:

So what do I do? Again. I still love him. I am mad at where things are, but I still love him, and I cannot believe I would still feel this way if we *weren't* supposed to be together.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sure you wonder often what he's doing- like you said from inspired to zero- poof! You can and will still love him- it is sort of like a death- however, with death they typically don't "come back"- he's an "uncertain".

Customer:

So pretend like he is dead?

Customer:

When I very well know that I could go look him up on Facebook anytime?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He has left an everlasting impression on you- imprinted on your heart forever.

Customer:

And still have pictures of him on my phone?

Customer:

Seriously. It agitates me so much.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I suppose with a death you like to look at old photos reminisce and all that.

Customer:

So you think he is never coming back?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It is so aggravating and hurtful- I do believe we first spoke at the end of May- this has been a long haul for you.

Customer:

So that is a yes?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I do not know what's up with this man- or where he will be for lunch tomorrow lol- sorry!!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He's sort of a "no show" in your life- makes comments he is in your life at one point but disappoints you over and over again. He must know a beautiful woman like you would have lots of opportunities- but he just checks out- he's risking a lot-

Customer:

He was furious with me when I got in touch with him after I was in the mental hospital and was dating the guy I met there and called him (Neil) to try to get some closure. He could not believe I got in touch with him to "tell him I was dating someone else" and to "go f*ck my new guy." Of course that relationship did not last long...but I did what I thought was the right thing and got it slammed back in my face. Meantime I could not continue honestly with that relationship bc honestly in my heart of hearts I was just missing Neil too much.

Customer:

He knows I am not seeing that guy anymore.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You mentioned you have become a shell of a person- what do you need to do to begin getting "her" back? He's the one who has lost so much- his loss!! You have been a generous and loyal woman in the relationship. There are exciting opportunities- yes that means "men" out there.

Customer:

But I don't want "men," I want him!

Customer:

I just don't understand. I don't understand why this is happening this way, and I don't understand why I still feel like I do for him.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Of course- no one compares to him.

Customer:

He said all the time that he and I were as close as any two people could be.

Customer:

But, again, poof!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It may be time to put him on a shelf for now- do all you can to avoid seeing what he's up to on Facebook or whatever- that is torture. Maybe he got scared when things got too close- and he did a Houdini.

Customer:

But still left his marriage?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

right- go figure- left all of his obligations, committments

Customer:

Aaaaagh!

Customer:

Okay. I am going to sleep on this and see what is the one burning question I have left for you.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

That's where it's difficult to know- not knowing what happened....Being left out of all the details and process of what he did.

Customer:

I just cannot imagine forgetting about him...

Customer:

but I am going to try doing my best to put him in the back of my head.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You won't nor do you have to forget him-you will always have those memories of him.

Customer:

and keeping him there.

Customer:

I really want there to be hope that I will have him back one day.

Customer:

If there is hope then maybe I can push it all to the back of my mind for now.

Customer:

Does that make sense?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You never know- none of us do. Yes it makes perfect sense. Would you be so kind to accept but we can still correspond tomorrow??

Customer:

Yes, sure.

Customer:

Talk to you then. Thanks for your help.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Okay thanks Julie!

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
Jean and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Jean, I have my followup question for you. Do you think it is worth it just to text him and say, Look, it is my New Year's resolution to have a better 2013 than 2012, and as part of that, I would appreciate it if you would just tell me straight up if you see any future for us at all whatsoever?


 


Would that be worth it, or should I stop trying and just try to put it to rest?


 


Also, are there any other books you can recommend about this? It seems like the end of the story is either, the man leaves his wife and goes to his mistress, or the man drops his mistress and goes back to his wife. Not the man leaves both of them. So it is hard for me to get any insight into what the hell is going on in his head. If someone could just tell me, that would help. Since he won't tell me.

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
I'm away from my computer will respond a bit latr
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Julie,
I do not think you should call nor text him. Sadly some people take the cowards way out and just step out of a relationship with ZERO information, likely because they want to avoid a confrontation. I don't think contacting him is worth your time nor energy. The longer he does not contact you, the more information that gives you. I'm sorry, it is painful, and I'm not minimizing that whatsoever. Because he does not tell you, there is no one on this earth who can know what he is thinking- ok maybe a psychic!!! I do believe you need to "try" and put it to rest.

A couple books:

Don't Call That Man! A Survival Guide to Letting Go
by Rhonda Findling

Getting Past Your Breakup, by Susan J. Elliott

The Breakup Bible, The Smart Woman's Guide to Healing From Breakup or Divorce, by Rachel Sussman
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
But you do think he misses me? I mean, as often as we were in touch, I don't see how he could *not* miss me. I was *so* good to him. This just really sucks.
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Yes, how could he not think of you, miss you, recall the beautiful time together. You were good to him, and he has crushed you in how he has handled this. It does suck for sure! You are grieving this loss and part of that his racking your brain trying to make sense out it.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Just one more followup, I promise. So I am assuming that, in your opinion, he will never come back to me. I know you cannot predict the actions of someone so unpredictable, but am I correct in estimating your opinion?

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Julie,
No, my opinion is that we do not know what the future holds, especially for him. There's a part to this man that you were not aware of or familiar with, someone who you thought loved you so much, but has now hurt you so bad. I hope that if he does come back you will be in place where he will have to work 10 times harder for you to even consider taking him back. You deserve so much more than what he's giving you now. You are a good person, a wonderful woman, who has a heart of gold, someone who has a lot to offer someone who is more available to you. Open your heart to some other opportunities as you grow ever stronger. It's so painful, the wondering, not knowing, leaving you "out to dry". Hang in there.

Happy New Year,
Jean
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Ms. Julie,
I hope this message finds you well. Happy New Year!! Let me know how things are going for you. Not easy I'm sure, but somehow we find a way to "carry on".
Jean

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