Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
It sounds like you may have struggled with depression most of your life. Suicidal thoughts are a symptom of depression. And having these thoughts as early as age 5 indicates that you either have a genetic predisposition to depression (chemical imbalance) or you were in such a bad situation at home (such as abuse/neglect
) that you found suicide an appealing option in order to cope with the pain.
Not being able to communicate well with others can make you feel isolated and alone. Getting support from others can help you feel better because you share your burden and find the companionship that gives you a good foundation in your life. But when you struggle to connect, it can make the feelings of isolation feel very pronounced. It can also make you feel you have no where to turn when you do feel bad. Plus the pressure to financially support your family can make you feel that you are giving a lot of yourself without getting much back.
It is a very good sign that you are reaching out and I want to encourage you to continue. Taking this step can help you get the support you need and deserve. Since it is difficult to get help in your country, you may want to try using self help and on line support to help yourself. Here are some resources to help you get started:
Also, consider support groups to help yourself connect to others. When you struggle with feeling judged and don't feel you blend well with others, talking to someone on line can help you. It provides a shield that makes it easier to express what you feel and still protect yourself. Plus, talking to others who understand and have been through similar experiences can help you feel less alone. Here are some support groups on line to help you:
You can also try to pull back some on supporting your family. If you are suffering financially so you can support your family, it can put a lot of pressure on you as well as making you feel trapped. Sometimes, as painful as it is, you have to put limits on what you can do. Explain you can no longer afford to help as much and have to pull back some. They may get upset, but you have to take care of yourself for now.
Keep in mind that if you find yourself feeling a lot worse and you do want to hurt yourself, go to your local hospital as soon as possible. You may need medication to help you feel better until you can talk to someone.
I hope this has helped you,