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You should do what is healthy for you - not anyone else. You and your husband need to focus on starting traditions for yourself and not rely on others. Many times families will continue this dysfunction and get together for the sole reason of maintaining relationships that aren't working. Also for the desire to have family because of the positive experiences that others have. You can't recreate what never was. I may try to talk to your sibs when it isn't Christmas - see if you can have a functional relationship. If not you have to walk away. Fall back on starting traditions with your husband. Whatever that is. Set time aside to look at lights, have a glass of wine and make a toast - whatever the two of you can think off. You don't need negativity in your life for the sake of family. I hope that you can create your own traditions and live through them.
so,I don't need to feel guilty for avoiding them and letting my mom down? you don't think I am being self centered by not being around them? Thanks for your feedback!