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psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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Am a 34yr old mother of 2 children below 5yrs. Been married

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Am a 34yr old mother of 2 children below 5yrs. Been married for 12 yrs. Lost my angel girl @ 10yrs old last year(She was severely dissabled CP case from 3weeks old-post menengitis). I need help! The reason i feel i need help in my marriage is that i am driving my husband away and have this anxiety that he will one day leave. I am very clingy,needy,i complain a lot, i critisise him,have huge expectations and am never seemingly fulfilled or will be happy for a moment and be back in that pit almost dark place again. I love my husband dearly. At times i feel i obsess about that love. I want to always be in control. Am a control freak. I am territorial and possessive with him. You see when we met in 1998 he had lost his eldest brother and I had just lost my mom that same year and lost my Dad 9 months prior in 1997. My husband became my saviour and centre of my universe. My parents were both professionals.Dad was an alcoholic throughout,so my eldest sister and I were exposed to arguments,fights(sometimes violent), vulgar languange,swearing(mostly from mom's side). So growing up mom was always defending herself while dad drank and useless. So when i fell in love i had a picture of a man who was not my father but unfortunately i took on some of mom's defence and sharp tounge responses. My husband is a dominant person and so you can imagine that to me that feels like he can''t be stronger than me and most end up having destructive arguments. How do i learn to let him be and focus on myself. I want to stop obsessing where he is, what he is doing? I just want not to be controlling and bitter and angry. I am even jeolous of the relationship he has with his younger sister as they are extremely close to a point where he has continuously shown loyalty towards her and not me more than once and discusses everything with her. He cannot say no to her. Pls help!
It sounds like you have some needs that are not being met and you are continuing to tighten your grip on your husband in a disparate need to maintain the relationship only to risk ruining this. You have to allow yourself to trust and accept that he is not the center of your universe by allowing others to fulfill your need in a positive way. Grief has a way of causing this disparate attempt to assure the relationship. The more loss you feel the more you hold on. He is just your subject for this needy part of your personality. First talk to him about why you are holding on so tightly. As you work together and accept that you have to find strength in yourself you will begin to lossen your grip. You have to work together from an extremely honest place. Your best bet in finding this place is to seek the help of a marital counselor so that you can find out how to draw on the strengths of both of you. You also should do grief work whether with someone to help you or through material available because grief can make you feel that you are losing the people in your life. Such huge losses can result in this behavior. I would combine all of these strategies, grief counseling, marital work, self help etc - to begin to lessen your need to fill voids by only relying on your husband. You can do this with the proper attention
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Do you think then it's a good idea to go alone first for counelling and then invite him later as i feel i need to fix myself first. He also is very short tempered, gets worked up very easily and whenever we have a disagreement he shuts down and builds this wall with no communication for days on end, as a result of fear of his rejection i follow suit. Because i do not have parents and only have an older sister he expects me or rather we do most things with his family and i find that he doesn't see anything wrong with the boundaries that are not set between himself and his sister which makes it hard to even sharing other sensitive information as he tells her everything. Is this healthy for him to be more forthcoming and open with his sister, at times he can't make his own decisions without consulting her. I may be on my control trip again,am I don't know.

It is troubling that him and sis are so connected. For some people it can be viewed as almost codependent. One should be able to make decisions on their own. I would attend counseling on your own. It is very common for a spouse to be brought in by the counselor later. Then you are coming from a healthier place. I would encourage you to at first address your needs in counseling and try to refrain from specifics with him until you can be sure he will be supportive

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