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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1705
Experience:  Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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Dear Dr. Keane (live chat), I would like to chat to you as

Resolved Question:

Dear Dr. Keane (live chat), I would like to chat to you as well. I do have parts of today when I am free. You see, I am going out to dinner tonight with friends for a get together before Christmas, and as it was me who planned it I can't really not turn up. I will be here until just before 6pm my time. I am hoping to be back by 9pm, 9:30pm at the latest my time and then I can stay online for at least a couple of hours. I'm sorry that I don't have more available time today because chatting would be really good. I have more time on Thursday if that's suitable for you, if we don't catch each other today. If I weren't dining out then I'd of had loads of time.......Anyway, I was awake quite a bit last night to work out how to approach my mother to say that her comments made me sad. Everyone's so busy at the moment and she has appointments when she's not socialising, busy time of year. I was hoping to chat with her today but I'm not sure that's going to happen as she's not here most of the day. I think actually I was more sad yesterday and the day before than I am today. I feel almost accepting, that these had been her thoughts at the time and perhaps they aren't now. I still have a bit of sadness but then she did also pay me a compliment about some work I did last night, not that I was looking for any. I almost just said how I'd been feeling this morning, nearly just came straight out with it but caught myself in time as I knew the timing wasn't right. I didn't want her going away to do things in case she didn't like what I said and then that might have spoiled her day. I've been down that route before, I think only once, perhaps twice, saying about how a comment has hurt me. I never feel good after it if it's family andif it wasn't family, although I'd feel hurt, eventually I'd either forget it or have a more positive attitude of showing the person just how wrong they were. I know that it's better to sort things than to let stuff fester away and just affect me more. Besides, that would be an old behaviour and one I try not to "subscribe" to these days. You see, she is a good person though and I've been brought up well, just occassionally there are things that need sorting out, not very often. Some matters have since been cleared up but just not her comment because I ended up feeling a bit upset so decided better of it until at least I can be sure, just to say it with no emotion.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 1 year ago.

Dr.Keane :

Hi

Customer:

goodness, that was lucky, had to go downstairs for a minute, so nearly missed you

Dr.Keane :

I missed you again. Will try to address your chat anyway. If it is keeping you awake worrying about how to approach your mother then you may have taken it too personally. It was a comment that she probably won't even remember making. Insensitive? yes, but you took it to heart. This is one of the reasons I have to suggest every now and then that you would benefit from face to face therapy. This is a public site, other experts can see every conversation we have and this isn't therapy. Just think you should know this....

Customer:

hi

Customer:

I am here

Dr.Keane :

glad we managed to catch each other

Customer:

me too

Customer:

I am just going to read what you wrote

Dr.Keane :

You worry about how her day will go when it's you upset about the comment.

Customer:

well, I still care, I'm not that insensitive.

Dr.Keane :

Any comment that was made may not be wrong......it's the way they perceive it, there is no right or wrong.

Customer:

I know that this isn't therapy or anything like that and that's fine because I've seen growth in myself in the ways I've wanted to.

Dr.Keane :

there is a difference between caring and your need to express yourself.....it's not a case of you being insensitive at all....it is that you are very sensitive to what your parents think and may be justified, but to lie awake worrying about how to bring it up says you are "too" worried about their reaction, her reaction. Why? if you historically were not able to "voice" your opinions or how you feel, those days are gone. Where is the new improved smart version of you that has done so very well being heard???

Dr.Keane :

You were right not to react to the comment at the time it happened, but it's okay to address it anytime. Can't worry or try and find the "perfect" time to let her know it bothered you. Remember how to keep it simple. Let her know you felt badly about it.

Customer:

I have to wait until we are both not just passing out the door for a start, but yes you're right, I need to just make my feeling known and then that be that, done with and then I can work out other things

Dr.Keane :

how many days since the comment was made? the longer you wait the less impact it will have, it will seem as though it is a after-thought

Customer:

1, perhaps 2.

Dr.Keane :

She might even wonder where this is coming from or why you didn't say something before. You said timing wasn't right but the longer you wait, timing may never be right. It may seem like it's coming from ????

Customer:

I haven't been totally worrying about it for all that time though as had so many other things to be doing.

Customer:

I have hinted plenty so that when I do get her on her own as well, then she'll know something's not quite right.

Customer:

I am aware of the timing.

Dr.Keane :

You have a right to let people know how you feel in reaction to something said. That goes for family as well as anyone else. So you sort it out and maybe she will think before she says something next time. Are you watching the clock, don't want you to be late for dinner.

Customer:

I'm already, so I'm okay at the moment.

Customer:

Meeting friends for Christmas get together before they all go visiting their families.

Customer:

I am determined to sort it out though.

Dr.Keane :

don't just hint, tell her you need to say something when you both have time ...

Dr.Keane :

Sounds like fun. BTW, I am traveling and won't be online much until after Christmas.

Customer:

actually the fact that for a little while I thought about it last night, I actually felt stronger to tell her than what I had before. I reckon either tonight, when I get back or tomorrow evening would be when I can tell her.

Customer:

Are you visiting family?

Dr.Keane :

Good. Need to get past it and have a good Christmas...

Customer:

Thanks for letting me know. I have family coming in a few days.

Dr.Keane :

yes and friends as well.

Customer:

That's really nice.

Customer:

I hope that you have a great time.

Dr.Keane :

busy time... yes, it's nice to have a few days to enjoy family and friends. We are so busy all the time , nice to slow down.

Customer:

I am feeling quite Christmassy and will get this sorted with my mother.

Customer:

It is nice to slow down

Customer:

although somehow I've been out every night so far.

Dr.Keane :

I will thank you and you go enjoy your friends tonight !

Customer:

but doing nice Christmas type things. Wish our weather went back to snowing or something like that again as it is raining hard now.

Dr.Keane :

but out doing fun things

Customer:

yes

Dr.Keane :

sunny today for a change, it has been very rainy here.

Customer:

sun? send some here too. Not seen that for a few days.

Customer:

so,even though you mentioned facetoface again, you are still ok chatting with me??

Customer:

just would like to check out before I need to go. I have about 5 mins before I need to go.

Dr.Keane :

I was real happy to see it! I'd say it was almost a week here without it, dreary. I have to go so as I think you do too. Have a good night out and let me know what happens with your conversation.

Customer:

well I'm glad that you saw some sun

Dr.Keane :

yes, I told you I will chat I just feel obligated to tell you what I think will help and reinforce this isn't therapy.

Customer:

I will let you know what happens with that conversation. I know you've said that, but feel better just to check.

Dr.Keane :

hope the sun shines over there soon!!

Dr.Keane :

bye

Customer:

thank you! bye

Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1705
Experience: Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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