I have been struggling with self harm since I was 12. I use to cut deep and need stitches and would cut daily. I am now 21 and go for months at a time without cutting and when I do cut they aren't very deep. I have recently started punching myself and have huge urges to throw myself into walls when I am angry. When I was 13 - 14 I was diagnosed with depression. I have always been in a relationship since I was 13, as soon as one would end I would jump to the next. Every relationship I have been in I have cheated and every time I have been devastated and not understood how I could do that to someone I loved. My fiancé and I have been seeing each other for a year and a half but things have been bad for a while. I cheated on him a couple months ago and we have been to couples counselling a few times. (I have been to over 10 different psychologists between age 13 and 15.... my family has always been very supportive) I have not found psychologists overly helpful. I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 and totally shut down after that and couldn't bring myself to go to counselling about it and I still haven't and probably never will be able to. My family and past friends (I no longer have any friends... not one..) have been concerned that I could be bipolar or something and that I should seek help. I have frequent suicidal thoughts and plan it out in my head. Some days I get so obsessed with these thoughts and can't think of anything else. I am so confused in my own head. One minute I love my partner to bits and can't wait to marry him and think he is the best thing to ever happen to me and then all of a sudden he might say something like could you please pick your hair straightener up off the floor and that is enough to put me in a bad mood and snap at everything he says from then on... I get so angry over little things I tell him I hate him and yell and tell him to move out and that I never want to see him again... We break up and make up weekly and I know this is not fair to him but he will not leave me. I am extremely indecisive and rely on anyone to make important decisions for me. My family has told me that whenever I am happy I sabotage my happiness by doing something reckless. I am very impulsive and do not think before i do things. I am very irritable most of the time and extremely easy to set off where I feel extremely angry. The other day I was angry at my partner and he went to bed and I sat up working for four more hours and the whole time I was thinking how much I hated him and fantasizing about stabbing him in the stomach. I don't think I could ever hurt someone like that but I have been known to get very violent when I drink and have attacked him while drunk several times. I find the fact that I enjoyed the thought of doing That to him obviously very disturbing, especially because the next day after he apologised I felt totally different again. I often feel very bored and unhappy with my life and then the next week I will be the complete opposite and love my job and think I'm doing so well and start making all these plans and looking forward to things and feeling inspired and motivated and then the next week I will feel hopeless again like I'm going no where and I'm useless and feel empty. I can realise all of these things when I'm not upset or angry but when I am in a mood there is no reasoning with me. For the last 6 months I have been feeling very panicky and like it is hard to breathe every now and then, especially when I wake up in the morning. I know that I need to seek help but I have been to my GP about 4 or 5 times in the last year about being miserable and all she wants to do is put me on anti depressants and isn't interested to find out what is going on with mwa for her to actually treat. Please can you give me some idea of what is going on with me? I feel like I have too many emotions going on and I am going to explode. My fiance is always encouraging me to open up to him but i xant. I can not talk to someone about whats going on to their face and quite often my reactions are inappropriate. The other day my fiance was angry at me he was nearly in tears and i could not hold back my laughter even though i did not find it funny. He oftwn twlls me i act like i dont care about him but i just cant open up to show him i care do you think i have some kind of mental disorder? Where should i go from here?.
It sounds like your symptoms are consistent with one of the mood disorders but it is impossible to say without being evaluated. Depression can result in self harm especially when experiencing a stressor. People will harm themselves to even distract themself from the pain they are feeling. If you have the symptoms at the opposite end or what we call mania then you would be considered bipolar. This means that along with the depression you may experience irritability, anger, insomnia and even fatigue. You can find a psychologist to diagnose you by logging on to the site for the American Psychological Association. A therapist can help you really decide what your diagnosis is and whether you want to try medication or just therapy. There is excellent work done in therapy sometimes with medication and sometimes without.
Your relationship may also be affected. Symptoms can act as a shield to protect yourself from any impending pain. This can appear as if you don't care when in reality you are guarding yourself from feeling badly. You have to find help so that you can come to him with genuine concern. Otherwise you could permanently effect the relationship when in reality you are just letting the symptoms ruin a good thing. You can incorporate him into therapy as you get better.