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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 429
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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I am in a tough state - and am afraid to take action. I am

Resolved Question:

I am in a tough state - and am afraid to take action. I am in a marriage with two kids to a woman I just dont feel I am in love, and I think I want to leave....but am afraid to for a variety of reason....namely, what does it mean for my kids?

Issue two - I have been involved with another woman in a different city...we have a lot of chemistry together....but Im a fool, because I never told her I was married or had kids.

Needless to say, it is all just not right - and needs to be corrected. I think I know what I need to do, and should do....I just want someone to listen, and help me think through it all.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, I am available to assist you- thank you for your post tonight

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Sorry to keep you waiting- it does sound like you are in a situation that is very difficult knowing whatever decision you make someone will be hurt.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

As a father, yes, concern for your children is of utmost importance.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are afraid to take action, but know that you have a tough decision to make.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

How long have you been married?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It is wise to first consider if your marriage can be salvaged. It's natural that love changes over time in any relationship. It starts out with fireworks and excitement but naturally settles down. It does not necessarily mean we are not in love, it can mean love has become more companionship. It may be worthwhile to consider marriage counseling. Often there are underlying reasons for an extra marital affair, something that can be worked out. Sadly, divorce is very common and it does a "number" on all involved, especially the children.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yikes, you are involved with a another woman who has no idea you are married and have children. Initially you may have thought it would be a brief "fling" but has turned into more, and now have more on the line. We can love more than one person, but for many it's not acceptable to be involved with two people at the same time. It becomes more and more difficult to manage it all, especially when there are things left out, secrets being kept. It may have "worked" initially but it sounds like it is weighing heavy on your conscience. That inner voice telling you something has to change, that this can not go on forever. It's evident that someone will be hurt by this, no way around that one. I'm sure you are quite afraid of the consequences of any of the decisions you are faced with.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Your statement summarizes quite well the dilemma you face "it is all just not right- and needs to be corrected." This is wearing on you, getting the best of you, and it sounds like you are at a crossroad, a critical place, knowing you must make a decision of some kind. This is very difficult and it is important that you think this through carefully. You are talking about your future, the future of your family, your children- this is big stuff!!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's natural that that inner voice would become "louder", it's not natural for us to deceive nor to hurt others. That's that voice of reason that maintains the balance, morals, and values within all of us.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Of course you are afraid- you do not want to hurt others- people who are special to you are going to be hurt. It does sound like you are at that fork in the road, knowing quite well it may be time to do some "talking" make the tough decisions.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sure you've considered the various options and scenarios, played and replayed them in your head. The first step, it sounds like, is to decide if you want to remain in the marriage, the woman you have committed to, the mother of your children. If you decide to remain in the marriage there is a chance that the marriage can be better once you work through this. I suppose you risk losing both women in your life, and hurting your children. I certainly can understand the fear here and that you have a lot on the line- whatever decision you make will be life changing, not just for you, but for others involved.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I notice you are off line. I will be on line for a bit longer this evening and will be notified when you respond back, and will get back to you asap. Please continue to make comments or ask additional questions.

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you for the response, I have been married 11 years - the truth is that I never wanted to get married, quite frankly - she was pregnant, I was young, and wanted to 'do the right thing' and felt somewhat pressured into it by her (I do not say this to make excuses, but that is how I felt as a 23 year old). We have since lived a good life, I elevated my career - she stopped working about 5 years ago to watch the kids, and has been a fantastic mother - she is very active and involve in their education, and has been a great mother. She is just not my ideal wife - we are literally on two different roads.


 


What I mean by this is several things, just different things (she is now VERY religious) she spends several days a week at Church. I now often question my thoughts on religion, and find myself somewhat skeptical of it all, and view this church especially ... as just a business. The place is a Mega mall....just not my cup of tea. I try not to say much about it, because honestly her and I are past the point of argue - we just acknowledge each others existance casually and try not to bother each other. I think our only common ground is that we do everything for our kids. There is just no 'spark'. In fact I even dislike her parents - they stay with us for overly extended periods of time throughout the year, which creates more headache and burden. My wife does agree that they stay too much, but she will not stand up to them - when I did it several years ago -- it just created additional tension with her parents, and my wife basically caved. Divorcing her family too I feel would be a bonus. If its an in law family I get to choose - shouldnt it be one I want?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Lastly, what do I do about the other woman? If I tell her it will devastate her - and I do not want to do that. I think I should just casually break it off / leave....whichever. But this one really stings, because there is so much chemistry - and she is the template of what I want.....not just physically, but socially and emotionally she is fantastic.... do I take the risk and try to explain why I did something so terrible....in the hope that she 'may' understand....thats quite a gamble. Or do I spare her the grief of having to be skeptical about me and now men in general?

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
This is difficult any way you look at it. I understand what you say about simply cutting ties with the other woman verses the potential fall out in telling her. Honesty is best no matter the outcome, it's easier to live with our self that way. Just leaving without the truth will likely confuse her, blame herself, be at a loss, especially since you have had the good chemistry. The "gamble" may be worth it, or you may forever wonder if that relationship had a chance. Making decisions about your marriage is a major task.

It sounds like you have done the pros and cons, and much of what you are considering leans towards you leaving the marriage. Is it worth a shot to talk to your wife, begin a dialog about your dissatisfaction in the marriage? Have you considered counseling for yourself, if nothing else it's additional support and input about what is the best direction to take. It's wise to take time to really consider this, as it is life changing for you and others involved.

As difficult as this is, it sounds like you have to be a real warrior and have the courage to make these tough decisions. You do have a choice in this, not an easy one, but you get to choose. Somehow you will get through this, must feel quite overwhelming as you consider all the changes this means for you. Many things to consider looking at the options. That is why it's most important that you have the support you need.

Let me know if you have other comments or questions, Best wishes to you in all of this- it is life changing.
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 429
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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