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This situation has to be very hard on you.
You are so patient.
Jade seems to have your positive disposition, but she is a teenager and doesn't have your adult point of view and ability to spring back.
At this point you are a live-in housekeeper with benefits, in many ways, and I know that you don't feel the security that you (and all of us) needs in your day-to-day life
She is very positive. Sometimes I feel she detaches herself emotionally. I don't want her to experience another of my failed relationships (divorced from her father).
That's exactly how I describe myself -- housekeeper with benefits!
She is experiencing the negativity right now, and it is NOT your doing, whatsoever.
I just feel that by putting her in this situation, it is my doing. Up until a few months ago, she and Ken were best of friends -- he's more of a father to her than her own.
I know that you have a place to live for yourself, Jade, and the dog.
What happened to change the relationship?
I can't even pinpoint an incident
Was there a specific event?
Just a slow decline perhaps?
Seems to be. But only on his end.
He comes home from a long week and then hardly spends any time with you?
Runs his finger across the furniture to check for dust and then goes out partying?
What is so much more attractive to him than his "family"?
Now that I think about it . . . I started a new job in April and my long work days are Friday & Saturday, his days off. So I'm not home when he's home.
Yes, the white glove inspector.
Is there someone else?
Is he drinking or taking drugs?
I would have to say "no" to that. He's very loyal and we have had conversations that if there was ever someone else -- for either of us -- be honest and walk away.
Do you know what kinds of places he goes to for his "good times"?
Social drinking and no drugs. He's a truck driver and is drug tested regularly.
His good times are spent with his brother, brother-in-law and nephews.
He's very close with his family.
He has told you to leave on a few occasions. Why didn't you, and how did you respond to him?
I have no where to go. He knows this.
If he literally kicked you out, what would you do?
Then he'll call from work and ask me to check the furnace, pick something up at the store, etc.
It's as if he wants to be alone, yet he needs to have someone here, just to make sure everything is in working order.
So he needs you but is not able to treat you as the valuable ally and asset that you are.
If I were literally kicked out, I really don't know where I'd go.
I feel if I were better able to make a financial contribution to the home, it would improve the situation.
I know just the question must raise some anxiety, and you probably don't want to think about it (who would?) but it is something you ought to have a backup plan for. He is too volatile for comfort, I'm sure.
You do make a financial contribution: security guard, housekeeper, groundskeeper, cook, and other benefits.
Do you want or are you able to bring some c-a-s-h into the household?
I have been trying to get myself financially stable enough to make alternate arrangements. My ex destroyed my credit and my stability.
It is slower, but you can come back without credit, and it is cheaper in the long run.
Since just starting a new job in April, I have been getting my finances under control. My debt is now manageable. I explain to him that I need time to catch up, then I'll start looking for a new place.
You seem to have a stable personality. You are articulate, honest, supportive, loving, and accommodating. You would be a great catch for a lot of good men who find it hard to find someone with all of your qualities.
Does he want you out?
Really want you gone?
Thank you. I just choose the wrong me!
I don't think he really wants me out.
There are are a few good men out there, believe me.
He commented that I should live on my own and have to fend for myself -- pay the bills on my own and learn responsibility.
Do you want out if you can afford it?
I don't want out, but if he truly wants me gone, I'll go.
There is a big difference between having responsibility and being able to pay for it.
In the meantime, can you accept the living arrangements as they currently exist and hang in there?
That seems to be a good option if you can bear it.
Drop the expectations.
That seems to be where I am right now.
I just wish there was something I could do to get him out of this state that he's in.
Put a little extra money up from household expenses and any savings from your job.
He refuses to continue the Adderall, you say. This is basically "speed" but it sometimes used for low mood.
Does he take any antidepressants?
Does he have periods where he is in a very high mood?
For an entire month, he opened the car door for me, dinner was ready when I got home from work . . . he was his "old self" again.
He doesn't take anything now. When he's on the phone with co-workers he's very happy, laughing, joking.
So, it is just a mood that has to do with YOU?
Seems to be.
The nicer I am to him, the more he distances himself.
Why do you think he reacts this way to you? You seem to be someone he should be so fortunate to have in his life.
I don't think it's something he's used to. His ex was (is) very abusive towards him.
It is like you are in the way of something.
What you are saying is that he is sabotaging the relationship and you don't understand why.
Yes, but he's doing it in a way that's going to force me to end it.
A cowardly approach.
He's a very popular man -- a lot of friends. How would it look if he evicted a single mom?
If he doesn't have someone else, then why? The only negative about you being there is that he needs the empty space for some other reason. It does not make sense. And he cares only about the false impression that he is making for his benevolence towards you and your family. He doesn't really care about you. Just what others think.
And still I want to help him . . .
He is not being honest. I don't know what his motives are, but they are not apparent.
I understand. The type of woman that you appear to be is what I would call "a keeper".
Actually, I've been called an enabler
How do you think you are an enabler? What are you enabling?
Do you mean that you allow him to continue acting in a negative way?
Yes -- I don't speak up.
If you put your food down, you are kicked out.
Can you change that? Will it work for you in a positive manner at this point?
That's what goes thru my mind. However, I've never been one to speak up.
Are you willing to try to learn to be more forceful in a positive way?
Its called Assertiveness Training, and can even be learned through a good self-help workbook.
I would like to. I've always been a non-confrontational person. I don't like to make waves. I know I need to become more assertive without becoming aggressive
Can you recommend something?
and a couple more. You can look these over at amazon.com
I will -- today!
And one more:
You can click the links, go to the pages and even "Look Inside" the books to get an idea of what they are about and how they are written.
If your boyfriend doesn't have anyone else, he would be a fool to lose you, in my estimation.
Thank-you so much for your time and information. Just sharing my story has eased my anxiety.
I appreciate the kind words.
Don't sell yourself short. I talk to lots of people every day, and you definitely stand out as a real winner.
It has been my pleasure to serve you.
Thank-you, Elliott! Enjoy your day!!