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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I am a professional, married man with a lovely family. My wife

Customer Question

I am a professional, married man with a lovely family. My wife cares a lot for me and does attempts to her level best to help me whenever i am in a dilemma or problem. Since January this year, I have been seeing someone and over the month I have realised that I am deeply in love with her. I knew that she loved me too. Before I held her hand, went out with her or even kiss her, I told her that I am a married man with children, as I did not want to base a relationship on lies. However, somehow, I started to lie to her in order not to make her upset, for example, I went to a meeting and the family came along with me. She had asked me if I was going on my own, and I said yes, as I knew if I said that the whole family is coming, then she would be very upset and angry. I did not now want her to be upset. Anyhow, this gradually became worse. One lie led to another and so on. I never used to lie in the past. I hated people who would lie, and somehow, I have become one of them. I become so much engross with her, I knew I am madly in love with her, and was thinking of spending the rest of my life with her. Indeed my wife at home, became aware of my relationship. I told her that I am in love with this person. But I am not strong enough to leave my children and move out. I also knew that despite, I am in love with this person, (and I know it's not infatuation, I just happen to love to people for real), I also like my wife and would not want to hurt or leave her. Though I have hurt her so many times emotionally and I am to blame for all of it. Needless, to say, we had had several disputes and arguments at home. I continued to see this person, as I really missed her. I have attempted to leave her, as I was not making onyones happy and life had become so miserable. Then she would call or text me with different pretext and i know that she was missing me too. So one of the problem is that I have lied so much to both of them, and I am so upset and sorry about it. I knew that was very bad, but I only did it, as not to make anyone of them sad, though i knew that in a few days time, the really be be known somehow.
Now she hates me (I presume so, or she may just be angry as she has kept telling me not to lie).
The other problem is that I cannot keep my eyes off beatiful ladies/girls. It has been a problem for me since a young man. So often, I would approach them, asking out for a drink or a chat. I have been been emotionally involved with them, as i was merely an attraction. Once or twice, this has lead me into problems at my place of work. But I just can't stop myself from approaching them. I am aware this is wrong, but for whatever reason, I just can't stop looking at them or sometimes approaching them.I do not know that if deep down every man feels like that, but i guess, may be not, and mine is pathological. But one thing for sure, this one, i really love her a lot, despite that the fact that, I have realised that she is not without any fault herself. Despite that, I love her and I want to keep her at the back of my mind, as I cannot forget her, but I want to carry on my life, with my wife and children. mainly because I do not want my children to grow up in a family without a dad. I love my children very much.
Do I need help from a psychologist or a psychiatrist. What do I do with my obsession of looking and approaching woman. I have hurt 2 people with my lies and I am very ashamed of myself. (I am someone who preached morality and I have lied myself). I have hurt the feelings of 2 people who clearly cared and loved for me. I genuinely am in love with 2 woman, though I have realised that I love (as a husband to wife) my new woman and care for my wife (and have less husband to wife feeling) a lot. she wife has asked for the this love to be brought back to her if I want to stay with her and I guess I will stuggle with that. I believe because I have love my wife because she is nice, very intelligent and beautiful (but slightly less so). In my eyes, intelligence overrides beauty, but over the years, I have realised that I also need beauty to have a proper husband to wife relationship. could you please help.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

I understand very well how your heart and mind work. They are in a real sense, divorced from one another. You crave love and admiration, especially from beautiful women. You desperately need this attention and feeling of love. You do not do it out of any negative feelings.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

Your are like a child who is playing with a favorite dog, but then you see another one, and don't want to let go of the first one and thus must struggle with two at once. Each dog gets upset and you love both of them and all it causes is a dog fight and you wound up getting bitten.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

It may be that you are suffering from narcissism in which you desire what is called narcissistic supply - you need the adulation and attention you get from women wanting and desiring you.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

The somatic narcissist gets this narcissistic supply from other’s reactions to his body, and in your case, via sexual conquests, You use sex to secure new sources of this drug-like narcissistic supply.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

Most narcissists do not get emotionally involved with these would-be lovers, but sometimes that adds to the "power" they get from their conquests or even flirtations, which satisfy these needs.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

You, unlike most narcissists, seem to have empathy for the needs of others. Perhaps, however, it only appears that way, and your distress comes from having to juggle with so many lies and living in the midst of unhappiness that you have caused.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

It may not be narcissism at work here, but obsessive compulsive behaviour. You have obsessive thoughts about being with and controlling or conquering women and you act upon your obsession with flirtations, and with this affair. Perhaps you'd have more affairs if you could.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

I suggest you see a psychologist, and not a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist will only give you medication but a psychologist will talk to you and help you cope with your situation or teach you to modify your behavior.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

I strongly suggest that this is what your next step should be.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

You want to save your marriage, and you most probably have to find a way of staying faithful and committed at home, which is going to mean having to change your thinking.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

A psychologist will be the best help to you.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

If I can further serve you, please don't hesitate to get back to me.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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