Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.
I understand very well how your heart and mind work. They are in a real sense, divorced from one another. You crave love and admiration, especially from beautiful women. You desperately need this attention and feeling of love. You do not do it out of any negative feelings.
Your are like a child who is playing with a favorite dog, but then you see another one, and don't want to let go of the first one and thus must struggle with two at once. Each dog gets upset and you love both of them and all it causes is a dog fight and you wound up getting bitten.
It may be that you are suffering from narcissism in which you desire what is called narcissistic supply - you need the adulation and attention you get from women wanting and desiring you.
The somatic narcissist gets this narcissistic supply from other’s reactions to his body, and in your case, via sexual conquests, You use sex to secure new sources of this drug-like narcissistic supply.
Most narcissists do not get emotionally involved with these would-be lovers, but sometimes that adds to the "power" they get from their conquests or even flirtations, which satisfy these needs.
You, unlike most narcissists, seem to have empathy for the needs of others. Perhaps, however, it only appears that way, and your distress comes from having to juggle with so many lies and living in the midst of unhappiness that you have caused.
It may not be narcissism at work here, but obsessive compulsive behaviour. You have obsessive thoughts about being with and controlling or conquering women and you act upon your obsession with flirtations, and with this affair. Perhaps you'd have more affairs if you could.
I suggest you see a psychologist, and not a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist will only give you medication but a psychologist will talk to you and help you cope with your situation or teach you to modify your behavior.
I strongly suggest that this is what your next step should be.
You want to save your marriage, and you most probably have to find a way of staying faithful and committed at home, which is going to mean having to change your thinking.
A psychologist will be the best help to you.
If I can further serve you, please don't hesitate to get back to me.
Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC