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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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FOR JEAN N ONLY: Trying to get in touch with you to discuss

Customer Question

FOR JEAN N ONLY: Trying to get in touch with you to discuss Neil
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 2 years ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, I'm here

Customer :

Hey - hope you are well.

Customer :

I cannot tell you, again, how much I appreciated all your help this summer.

Customer :

Although I did end up having to go somewhere to get inpatient treatment for my anxiety.

Customer :

It was the best thing for me at the time.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Long time no chat :) I hope you are doing much better- ya gotta do what ya gotta do..

Customer :

Right.

Customer :

Well...I still text with Neil on and off. And it is just so frustrating for me that I sometimes end up saying things I don't mean.

Customer :

I am still in love with him. I still believe he is my soulmate.

Customer :

But for example, night before last, I texted him about something that used to be an inside joke between us (long story) and it ended up that he said, "I am out with friends. Hope all is well."

Customer :

When he talks to me like that, cold and clinical, I cannot stand it. It drives me INSANE. Like nothing that happened between us before ever happened.

Customer :

So I went off on him a little. But then the next day I apologized and told him that I was just going to go quiet again.

Customer :

And that I still love him and wish him all the best.

Customer :

He loaned me $400 about two months ago, and so I will have to send that to his PO Box, and he said he did not want to be paid back, that he was happy to help (pffft, after all the things I did for him. I spent THOUSANDS on him, not that anyone is counting). I will pay him back but that is all. And the last thing I said was, "*I* cannot turn my heart off on a dime. Sorry this is inconvenient. Goodbye."

Customer :

First off, is there any chance for us? Second, I guess I just have to forget about him at least until his divorce is final (should be May or June) - right? Don't email him? Don't do anything? third, have I annoyed the snot out of him with this? He feels like I am coming down on him, and yes, I am still REALLY ANGRY, so I am being passive-aggressive, I suppose.

Customer :

I miss him SO MUCH. But to go from, to quote him, being "as close as any two people could be," to him talking to me like I am his orthodontist or something, is just heartbreaking to me. How could he have just stopped loving me?

Customer :

That's it. It appears you are offline now. I guess if you can send me an alert qhen you get back online, I will try to do so as well.

Customer :

Thanks in advance for any input you can provide. I have gotten down to where I am praying for God to either take him off my heart, or give me some kind of sign that eventually all will be well, because it is still TEARING ME APART.

Customer :

Oh, you're back?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm here- sorry

Customer :

Can you read what I wrote up to now?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes I can read it. This has been going on way too long- and do be careful with your heart- this almost "killed" you before.

Customer :

So you do not think there is any future?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You said you were doing much better since the hospital- I'm amazed that you are hanging on without really a relationship- so on hold. I'd like to tell you to move on as fast as you can.

Customer :

So just give up.

Customer :

How could he have fallen out of love with me like this?

Customer :

or did he just never love me?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Your now and your future is on hold-all dependent on him- what about you?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He has loved you- you know that

Customer :

How can I believe that?

Customer :

And I am functioning much better...for example both my kids have been sick since the Monday before T'giving and for various reasons, they have been living here while sick...that takes a lot of focus and command of mental faculties.

Customer :

I am able to function like a normal human (mostly). It's just that I still love him.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I don't think it's necessarily falling out of love- things change, people change, much of it unplanned. What have you been doing to take care of you- especially still waiting for N?

Customer :

A lot.

Customer :

I have tried to go out with other people. It just is not the same.

Customer :

I had a short relagtionship w someone I met at the funny farm. But it was just a placeholder. It has never been anyone but him.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

If you lose me again- my computer has been acting up- the internet connection is goofy- I will re connect if it looks like I'm off line.

Customer :

OK.

Customer :

If you do get cut off, I may have to deal with children.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You have tried to venture out- good for you- that's what you have to do. Keep N in your heart but live your live- be open to other opportunities that may come your way.

Customer :

So you believe he did love me?

Customer :

He just doesn't anymore?

Customer :

Period?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

ok- if you have to go just let me know, I understand- would could meet on a bit later if that happens. Yes- I would call that love- can be a very subjective definition for love.

Customer :

He is divorcing his wife and me at the same time?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He's made major changes, upset a lot of people it sounds like.

Customer :

He said he needed space, as you know. I just did not expect it to be OUTER SPACE.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Right- so much space and no time limit- crazy making!!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

What has happened when you refrained from contact for awhile?

Customer :

Again - when I look back over old conversations of ours...we REALLY WERE as close as any two humans could be.

Customer :

And now we are NOTHING to each other? He can just forget all of that?

Customer :

the most i have been able to restrain myself is maybe two weeks.

Customer :

I am going to try going all of December, but taking it one day at a time.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes- you felt so connected- again- people change- the one thing for sure in life is change. We can not always predict these things- don't see them coming. Yes- one day at a time- but yes set goals- good for you!!

Customer :

People change on a dime?

Customer :

People fall out of love on a dime?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

yes on a dime-

Customer :

well, that f'ing sucks.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

That's what so upsetting and makes so little sense to you.

Customer :

I feel like I was just a whore to him.

Customer :

So that he could get through that period of his life without thinking about how unhappy he really was.

Customer :

Except for things like, I basically helped him pick out the nursing home where his mom is. And a lot more things like that.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It does really hurt a lot- I'm sorry for that. You do need to express that anger- for sure. You shared a lot, no denying that.

Customer :

Express it to him?

Customer :

Or to my journal?

Customer :

I really am so mad, and he keeps saying he is trying to get his life together...

Customer :

that he is in such a bad place...

Customer :

one thing that ticked me off night before last when he said he was out with his friends is that I basically gave up two of my BEST friends bc I was in love with him...which was my doing, yes.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

safer to your journal

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You thought this was a for sure thing!! It took over your life-

Customer :

So there's no way it ever will be?

Customer :

Yes. It took over my life. Was I obsessed?

Customer :

I just had it in my mind that the abruptness and severity of the way he just STOPPED being the person he had been is what did it to me.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

We can not predict it- but it's not enough to sustain you- must live a life of your own- You were smitten for sure!

Customer :

Well, I was in love with him. I still love him. I still wake up in the middle of the night crying about it.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It makes little sense- I know- you want answers I understand that.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hope has sustained you?

Customer :

And it wasn't unrequited - the love - at least for a while.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Right!

Customer :

But then all of a sudden he just did/does not love me anymore?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I do think it's best you refrain from contacting him- let him squirm if he has those feelings that you hope he does.

Customer :

I just do not understand having the truly deep relationship with him that I did...and then POOF.

Customer :

He turned to me for everything.

Customer :

And then he just cuts me out of his life?

Customer :

I know he has a lot to deal with, with his divorce.

Customer :

and it's not like I expect we should be dating. But I am starting to feel like a stalker.

Customer :

Just for saying hello to him. And that's not right.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He has trouble with good bye? How long did he stick with his wife, while with you? You were in his life when he most needed you? That's not fair to you.

Customer :

I was in his marriage all but a year.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You deserve more Julie! It's hard to heal and move on when there is the ongoing contact- bits of hope with lots of hurt. I guess we could ask the question "how could he do that" cheat on his wife- I'm sorry, but that's wrong too.

Customer :

Yes, I know.

Customer :

So I am still in love with him. I don't really want anyone else (maybe this is me being self-punishing). My self worth is in the toilet because of this and a lot of other reasons. I want so badly to think things will work out someday. Because I really believe we are soulmates. But what do I do?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He has hurt two women in the process- maybe the two women should band together huh? How does one live two separate lives and for so long? You have to identify what your life can look like without him- or live your life for you vs. him.

Customer :

Because of my children, I have no choice to live my life for me. But I can't just unlove him the way he has unloved me.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Identify the things you can do to make you, your life better- if he comes along again- well...the jury is still out on that one.

Customer :

As I said, I still believe he is my soulmate.

Customer :

You mean the jury is still out on whether he will show up again?>

Customer :

Or whether it would be the right thing to do for me to take him back if he did?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes- children force us to live- that is for sure. Right- the jury is out if he will come back- but I think for now you have to take that out of the equation- think of you getting better- separate from him.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

If you live for you and get stronger- I'm thinking you will realize what this has done and say enough!!

Customer :

Whoops. I have to go get #2 son out of bath.

Customer :

Will you be around later?

Customer :

I am just so sad and I cannot make the sadness go away.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

ok- let me know when you are back. Of course you are sad- it's sad making stuff.

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Jean
Jean
Psychotherapist
332 Satisfied Customers
Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)