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Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4484
Experience:  MD Psychiatry
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I am in a new relationship having seperated from my husband.

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I am in a new relationship having seperated from my husband. my partner has been in a highly sexual relationship for three years, having been previously married for 24 years. there is sexual attraction on both sides but he can not maintain an erection , something that he has never experienced before.
Hi there,

Welcome to Just answer !

Well i am sorry to learn about this problem of yours, but i will like to bring to light that the erection problem that your partner is suffering from is clinically described as Performance anxiety , which is defined as inability to have or sustain erection in order to have a successful intercourse which in turn resulst from stress / hightened anxiety .

And one of the main causes of perfromance anxiety is a new relationship / new sexual partner as the person is overwhelmed with the feeling of making the sex as good as possible and this adds to too much of tension which weighs on his mind while doing intercourse thereby leading to failure of erection / inability to sustain it for completing a successful sexual intercourse.

So all in all your intuition is right that his erection problem is most likely psychological , defined as performance anxiety, with the background reason being him taking too much stressover performing well in sex to satisfy your and give you pleasure..

Now this peformance anxiety can be dealt with by taking a proactive role during sex to put him to ease , ask him to take the back seat and let you take the initiate stimulation and sexual activity , once he is assured that you understand and are willing to take on the active role during sex, he will become relaxed , put aside his apprehension and tension and then eventually will come on his own and have a good erection to make the sex happen as per his own satisfaction.Also tell him that having sex is not a test of his endurance or sexual power so he should give away with his own expectations and try to only seek pleasure from this spending as much time as possible on foreplay and building intimacy with you and leave everything else aside.

So kindly adopt this strategy as explained above , take the lead and let him take his time to relax and try to build up more rapport and trust with you which are essential to take your sexual relationship forward towards a better more fulfilling sex life.

If after trying this strategy for a stipulated time period , say 1 month, he still is unable to feel comfortable and succumbs to performance anxiety then i will suggest that you two shall seek Sex therapy from a sex therapist/ clinical psychologist to work on this performance anxoiety issue.

Yes to relax his nerves a bit during sex , he may be started on a low dose of an anti anxiety drug like klonopin ( clonazepam ) at low dose of 0.25 mg twice a day for 2-3 weeks then stopping it . This drug will ensure control over his anxiety which precipitates during sex thereby helping him to concentrate more on sex and not on the result of sexual gratification in the end.

He may get this drug prescribed to him from his family doctor.

I hope this helps..

Wish you all the best.

Please kindly leave a Positive rating if you are satisfied with the answer as only then will i be credited for my service.

If there is any remaining query kindly ask it.
Dr. Kaushik and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

thank you for your detailed reply, he achieves an erection during foreplay should we avoid penetrative sex for the time being ? I have been undemanding with him as i thought this would make the anxiety more of a problem ?

Thanks for the inputs..


Well yes for the time being let there be only foreplay unless he is ready to take it to the next level. The fact that there will not be any undue pressure on him to eventually take the foreplay to sex, this will lead to more chances for him to successfully have a sexual intercourse as he will do it without any expectations attached to it.


So yes you are being patient and kudos to you for being so understanding , continue to offer support to him , this is a temporary problem which both of you shall be able to win over by working in cahoot with each other.


I hope this helps..

Wish you all the best.

Please kindly leave a Positive rating if you are satisfied with the answer as only then will i be credited for my service.



Customer: replied 3 years ago.

thanks i know we can work through this problem , just wasn't sure if i was taking the correct approach.

You are most welcome. Wish you all the best a beautiful future with your partner.



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