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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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FOR JEAN N ONLY: This is Julie P, you were a great help to

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FOR JEAN N ONLY: This is Julie P, you were a great help to me this summer. I am still doing this horrible tarantella with N and I need some help. He talks to me now like I am some kind of service provider that is horning in on him at a cocktail party - like I have overstayed my welcome. We talk (text) very infrequently but it is gut-wrenching to me to think that he has "unloved" me so easily when I miss him so much and still love him immensely. I am out of the horrible cycle I was in this summer when we spoke, but my heart is broken. Can you help?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Camille-Mod replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

My name is XXXXXXX XXX I am the Moderator for this topic. Jean is not available right now, but I have sent her a message to follow up with you here, when she comes back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience!

Camille

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
It is so good to hear from you!!! Sorry it took so long to respond back to you. Yes- I do remember the chats. I'm off line until 3-4 pm. today (Sunday, 12-2-12), my time. It's 10:40 a.m. here now. I will let you know when I'm back on line. At that time you could decide to see if you could cancel this question and start a new one so we can do a live chat. This one went to Q & A when the moderator sent you the message I was not available. Sorry- hope we can connect later this afternoon if you are still interested.
Talk to you soon.
Jean
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Julie,
I am on line most of the evening- will look for you on line.
Jean
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Jean - are you there? I am online now.

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
I am here, yes
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hey, ok, me too.

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Hello, if you'd like to stay on this question. Go ahead and update me.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hey Jean. Are you by any chance still online?


 

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Jean - if I miss you, I am just looking for two things. Well, three things.


 


First, I cannot find the transcript of our chat earlier? Normally before they were always here. I was going to go back and review what you said.


 


Second, to finish, so what I have to do is put him totally out of my mind and just put it behind me? That is so incredibly hard. Because I will always occasionally be stumbling over something in my email box or whatever, and be reminded of how close we were...but it is like he is a completely different person now, and I am not...so I am not really sure how to do this.


 


Third, he loaned me $400 when I really really needed it a few months ago. he said at the time he was completely broke but would be glad to do it to help me. Even then we talked like normal humans, but now he makes me feel like I am stalking him. Seriously, how can this be after everything we went through together? He was the one who always said that he wanted to stay friends. It just sucks.


 


Maybe I should have said four things. I wonder where you can get one of those flashy things from Men in Black that would erase my memory? I just cannot believe he would still be so much on my heart and in my head so much later...even after I have been to the mental hospital, even after I have (subsequently) dated some other guys...why, why, why???

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Hello,
I'm not sure why you are unable to retrieve the previous chats, unless it is a time limit thing. Check with customer service on that one..

It's important for you to do what you have to- to get on that road to healing and in order to do that you need some closure. Things have continued, sometimes with you feeling a bit hopeful about things. I'm hearing you say he's putting you off more, giving you less of an indication that he's wanting a relationship. There seems to be less from him to sustain you. That's what I mean about you putting the focus on you, take him out of the equation, in a sense let him go, so you can find your life, live your life. You do this one day at a time. Identify what it looks like for you to be taking care of yourself. Reconnect with friends, work out, get good rest, etc. It is difficult and there is no way around this. Do get that support that you need.

There isn't an explanation for this, other than he's in a different place, making major changes in his life. He's drifted away, and it's important to pull yourself back, verses holding on to bits that he gives you. You deserve so much more.

Wouldn't you think you could get that memory eraser somewhere?? Hey even if it was a toy one- it might represent you working towards moving on. You do have a great sense of humor- that will help you through this.

This does not make sense to you. These matters of the heart can not always be explained, your brain knows one thing your heart holds on to what was so wonderful. Your head has now convinced you that you have to hang on, think about what it is that will happen to you if you do let him go. You will hurt, but you will recover. Who doesn't want that- that feeling, the love you had with him, you may think you can never find that again- you can. I think he's still in your head and heart because he made such an impression on you- it felt so good, and that's why it now hurts so much. It has changed, and it's important for you to take some steps down a different path- for YOU. It does get better with time, it really does. It's natural that we play and replay the good stuff- that stuff unfortunately does not determine the future.

Do hang in there and take good care of yourself. I'm glad you posted again. It is good to hear from you again.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I just wonder if there is any possibility that he will ever drift back. I don't feel like I am hanging on to anything right now...more that I am mourning and still grasping for explanations. But I wonder if it is at all possible that sometime in the future he will be back?


 


Have I been stalkery to him? I haven't, have I?


 


And do you think he misses me? I mean, how could he not? He would be heartless.


 


I have to tell you, I have sort of an unfortunate role model in my mother. She met my dad when he was married. She did not know he was married until his wife at the time started writing her threatening letters. I am condensing greatly here, but basically, she called and dropped him like he was hot, even though she was completely in love with him. About four years later, she happened to be in the town where she'd met him, and just out of curiousity, she called his business, where he had worked when they first met. By this time, he was divorced. They dated for several years and when they got engaged, he sent her a single red rose every day (including Sundays) between the time they got engaged and the time they got married. So maybe I have false hope that these things can work out. And maybe the bar has been set really high for what I am looking for.


 


Mom says in the intervening years, she never stopped loving my dad, but that she went on with her life, dated other people, etc. Everyone keeps telling me to get on with my life. I am not even sure what that means.


 


In any event, if you have time to answer my questions above and just lmk your opinion on stuff, I would really appreciate it.


 


 


 


 


 

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
I'm away from my computer. I will resend back in an hour or so.
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Hello Ms. Julie,
No one can tell you to stop loving him, like you said you are grieving this loss. Never say never regarding the future with N. The thing to consider, like your mom did, is the importance of living your life. She could not have predicted what happened with your dad. She may often times felt like you- no clue what the future would hold. I think it's when we center our life around something that is undetermined, is when we may miss out on opportunities. I know it is cheesy but one day at a time is all any of us have.

Yes, how do you compete with your mom's story- you little love child you

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. I think looking at this as grief, loss, and the only true healer of this is time. It's almost worse than a death- with death- there is a funeral, and we know the next step is healing and closure. I'd say in this situation it's unknown what the life expectancy is of the relationship- so in other words you swing back and forth to hope, loss, hope,.... Your response is normal considering what has happened.

I wouldn't say "stalking", but being uncertain where he's at and the distance you have felt- it may truly be best to pull away- to protect yourself- to heal. It's no wonder that you go back and forth- CONFUSED, you have not gotten answers from him and it is slow and painful not knowing. I'm sorry for your loss. You are a good person, a great woman, bright, funny, and you have more to offer than you give yourself credit for. N is one man, he has made an impression on you, for sure, but there are others out there who would be lucky to have you. As with grief we go through the stages of death and dying- such as bargaining, if only, what if, I wonder about....., anger, sadness, and gradually to mroe acceptance. One does tend to go back and forth into those stages as they recover.

Ask yourself the miracle question- what would your life look like if you went to bed and woke up "happy", taking N out of the equation for now. What would you be doing, who would be there. Think specifically what you would be doing that would tell you- you are happy. Would you wake up at a certain time, keep more of a schedule, would you get back into things you once enjoyed etc.

Take Care, talk to you soon.
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Ms. Julie,
A few quotes that I came across that you may be able to relate to. Take care- time does heal. You nor I can predict the future- just know for now you are not alone in your struggle.

“You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
Anne Lamott

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”
Edna St. Vincent Millay

“Because God is never cruel, there is a reason for all things. We must know the pain of loss; because if we never knew it, we would have no compassion for others, and we would become monsters of self-regard, creatures of unalloyed self-interest. The terrible pain of loss teaches humility to our prideful kind, has the power to soften uncaring hearts, to make a better person of a good one.”
Dean Koontz, The Darkest Evening of the Year

“So that's how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that's stolen from us--that's snatched right out of our hands--even if we are left completely changed, with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to the end of our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness.”
Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart

“The most beautiful people I've known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.”
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Julie,
How are things going for you? One day at a time!! Remind yourself of all the good things you have to offer, nurture yourself, and take good care of yourself. Let me know if I can help again.
Take Care,
Jean

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