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JaRee1993
JaRee1993, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 180
Experience:  Licensed to diagnosis and treat mental and emotional health issues of adults, adolescents and children and pastoral counseling.
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Hi I have been married for 40 years to my husband, Rob. I

Resolved Question:

Hi I have been married for 40 years to my husband, Rob. I have two children, a son from a previous partner and a daughter, Rob's child. My children are now grown up and living on their own.
i married Rob when my son, Charl was one year old. Throughout the years, when the children were growing up, Rob first emotionally and verbally abused me and then started turning his anger outbursts towards Charl. Calling him names, being harsh, shouting at him, and generally having the most horrendous anger outbursts. I would plead with him to stop. He would be remorseful, be gushy for a while and then the whole cycle would start again.
Our daughter Michelle on the other hand, was completely smothered and over-protected.

Today we all suffer from the years of abuse. Charl is well educated and work as Head of English in India, but he suffers from depression, Panick attacks and is a heavy drinker.
Michelle had to watch her brother being abused while she was the favourite. This created guilt feelings in her. It has taken her years to shake this off.
I have absolutely no love for Rob. I am angry with myself for being in denial for so many years, just kept on hoping matters would improve but it never did.
I also carry so much anger in me towards Rob.
Today Rpb and I live like housemates in the same house, but dont connect emotionally at all. This is a very lonely existence for me. I have mentioned a divorce or trial separaton but it makes him go into fits of rage and threats of suicide. He goes into his bedroom, closes the door and threatens to shoot himself! My family are right behind me, encouraging me to leave him after all the years of abuse.
He still has anger outbursts and becomes verbally abusive.
Something else that worries me is that he does not like animals. He once hit one of our (old) dogs with a broom, for barking too much, and broke its ribs. This took place in front of my little 11 year old grandson, who has never forgotten or forgiven his grandpa
for hitting his favourite pet.

Rob is so kind to people, but has a very cruel streak in him. He has been to see a counselller once or twice but did not bother to continue with his treatment. He went to see the councellor after I separated from him for a couple of weeks, last year. This was the first time I had ever left him. He got such a fright and decided to go for councilling as his moods had become impossible to live with.
I find his anger outbursts worsens with the intake of alcohol. He has never been a heavy drinker, but for the last couple of years he has had a few glasses of wine in the evenings and these have made his aggression worse.

The counceller hinted at him being an OCPD and he seems to agree. I have read up on the symptoms of OCPD and it is exactly like Rob.


I yearn for someone to love and living with Rob as a housemate is very lonely.

I would love to walk out of this marriage, but after 40 years this will require a lot of courage. The thought of living on my own at the age of 62 is rather scary. Trying to improve my marriage is fruitless. I have a choice. Stay with my "Housemate" or leave.

Please give me your advice on this. Many thanks. Karen
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  JaRee1993 replied 1 year ago.

JaRee1993 :

Hi, My name is XXXXX XXXXX I am a mental health counselor and would like to try to help you work through your fear and find the peace and contentment you deserve. Could you tell me what it is about living alone that is so frightening? I will be waiting for your response. Thank you for contacting Just Answer. Ja`Ree

Customer:

Hi Jaree, Having lived with Rob for so long and now having to leave my comfort zone scares me. In my profession, I see so many lonely old people living alone in apartments. That makes me think that to put up with a loveless marriage is better, although deep down I yearn for a person to love.

JaRee1993 :

I truly understand where you are coming from. That is a frightening thought especially when you reach our age. However, it sounds as though you are a woman who is active and self sufficent? Is this true?

Customer:

I work as a real estate agent so my salary is commission based but yes I am still active and self sufficient.

JaRee1993 :

That is a real plus in you being able to build a life without Rob and finding the kind of relationship you are looking for. Do you mind if I ask you if you are still in love with him?

Customer:

not at all.

JaRee1993 :

Are you active in the community and do you socialize very often?

Customer:

Yes, due to my line of business I do socialize often and am reasonably active in the community. Regarding previous question, I cannot love someone who abused my child. Was in denial about it for many years, but have undergone a lot of spiritual growth and then it started to dawn on me - hey, this man is an abuser of note. Has many good qualities, honest, reliable, well regarded by his peers but at home - a different story at times.

Customer:

well is that it? have not received any advice whatsoever. Just 2 questions asked from me!??? What a rip off!

Customer:

Was asked 2 subsequent questions, which I answered. When will I get the advice I was expecting???

JaRee1993 :

I apologize, my internet went down and I had to find anoither computer.

JaRee1993 :

I am sorry if I asked a lot of questions, I just wanted to get a good picture of who you are to enable me to give you the best advice possible.

Customer:

you may ask as many questions as you like. apologies, thought that was the total sum of my advice.

JaRee1993 :

It is okay to have fears about being alone and it is understandable. However, it is important to know who we are and what we deserve in life and to find the strength to take the steps needed to open the door that will allow us to find what we want and need. Has the years of abuse caused you to lose some of your self esteem?

Customer:

Definitely. This is also something that has only dawned on me in the last two years.

JaRee1993 :

Unfortunely that is one of the biggest calsualities of abuse. Have you considered taking a class on self esteem? I counsel a lot with women who are tryying to get out of abusive relationships and one of the first things I do is put them in my Empowerment group which includes Self esteem, Assertiveness, Congnitive Behavior Therapy and Communication. As many years as you have been in this relationship I am surprised you have the self esteem you do.

JaRee1993 :

Are you aware also that his threats of suicide is a way to keep you there? I hear a lot of guilt wyhen you talk about the kids. Am I hearing right?

Customer:

I am working on my self esteem so hopefully I can manage on my own in this department.

JaRee1993 :

That is good!

Customer:

Yes, I know that his suicide threats are manipulative. It has taken me many years to see through all his behaviours. The penny has only dropped of late. For years I was in denial, as mentioned. And yes, i feel very guilty for allowing him to abuse my son and mess up his life so much. I ask myself why did I not do something about it. Well I think I wanted to keep the family intact at all costs, not realising that keeping the family together was the worst thing to do. I should have taken my children out of the situation, not keep them in it for the sake of keeping the family intact.

JaRee1993 :

I would like to tell you what I see and give you my recommendations if that is okay with you

Customer:

Rob is now "Mr nice guy", like a genie in a bottle. Whatever your wish, is my command. He senses that his marriage is at risk, so there is now a facade of kindness being presented to me all the time. This makes me think - well maybe things are not so bad. But really, I feel the need for a loving relationship. I may never find what I am looking for, on the other hand.

Customer:

yes, thats fine. thanks

JaRee1993 :

I see a very courages lady who has spent the last forty years of her life in an abusive relationship and has survived and taken care of herself financially. I see someone who now would like to find someone who can love, respect and appreciate the wonderful person that you are, but is afraid to live on her own until the right man comes along. However, it sounds to me as though you have found the spiritual strength that will carry you through the pain and grief

JaRee1993 :

that comes when a relationship ends no matter how bad the relationship was.

JaRee1993 :

First thing I want you to do is forgive yourself for the things that happened to the kids. Your guilt will not change the past and will only hurt you in the future. You did the best you could with who you were at that time. Just work on doing what I am sure the kids would like for you to do in taking care of yourself now. Secondly if you are wanting to find someone you can share yor life with you need to be available and you cannot be that as long as you are married. You need to do what is best for you and then give yourself time to heal so that you will be healthy when the right person comes along

JaRee1993 :

Third, you need to believe in you and utilize the spiritual growth you have and know that you will not be alone and that you will led in the way you should go. It will all take time, however, you will be able to get through it and come out on the otherside ready for what or whoever is in store for you. Does any of this help?

Customer:

Yes, definitely. Thank you so much.

JaRee1993 :

It is truly my pleasure. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Customer:

No, I think you covered everything so well.

JaRee1993 :

Than you. If you are satisified with the answer and feel as though you have received the answers you need would you please check the accept button and fill out the survey as to our services so that we may be sure we are serving our customers to the best of our abilities. Please let me knbow if I can help you further. Take good care of you and you are in my prayers. Ja`Ree

JaRee1993, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 180
Experience: Licensed to diagnosis and treat mental and emotional health issues of adults, adolescents and children and pastoral counseling.
JaRee1993 and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  JaRee1993 replied 1 year ago.
Hi Karen, Was thinking about you and wanted to see how you are doing. Send me a message if you have the time and let me know how things are.

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