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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7661
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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My daughter is 16 and she found out I was seeing a man she

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My daughter is 16 and she found out I was seeing a man she doesn't like from our hairdresser in July. Since then, our relationship has not been the same and most of that time if not all she has stayed with her dad. We have been divorced since 2003 and have 50/50 custody and placement. My daughter has never been around the man I'm seeing. I see them on the week she is not with me. The reason she hates him is because her dad says he's a bad man. I've seen him for the last nine years and he has been patient and loving and kind. I really love him. Now her dad is suing me for child support and contempt of court. I'm tired of living under her fathers thumb and him telling her bad things about me and lies. I've been trying to be civil and nice to him and not say bad things about him all these years. But last night I told my daughter what I really felt about him and the reason we are divorced. I know this was wrong and it hurt her. But she thinks nothing of him calling me things or saying bad things about me. And she has done the same for years. I wanted to be the better parent, but last night I just couldn't take it anymore. So what do I do now?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

The cat is already out of the bag and you have already told your daughter YOUR point of view about her father.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

She was basing her entire relationship with you upon lies and was trying to either destroy your new relationship with your friend, or continue to allow her father to destroy her relationship with youl

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

It has driven you to depression, and now, whatever the consequences, you have moved the equation forward.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

She is 16, old enough to understand, but she still may be very influenced (brainwashed) by her father.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

How did she respond to you when you told her YOUR side of he story?

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

It wasn't wrong of you to defend your character and to speak the truth to her.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

I suggest that you and your daughter return to family therapy together, and with the help of a neutral, professional third party, you begin the process of communication between you.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

She needs to see, by a dynamic discourse between you and her, under the guidance of the therapist, that

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

you are and have been a good parent, and that she has to release the old untrue stereotypes and lies.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

Once you begin to straighten things out with her you may be able to introduce your new friend to your daughter.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

That will have to come about sometime.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

I suggest that you get your legal affairs in order first, so that your relationship is not somehow used against you in an unpredictable and unjust "justice system".

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

In less than two years your daughter will be an adult, and NOW is the time to get things straightened out with her, while you are able to take her to a therapist with yo9u.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

I suggest you find a female therapist, as your daughter might find her more acceptable (rather than a MALE ally of yours, in her mind).

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

If you don't know where to look go to

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

www.psychology today.com

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

click FIND A THERAPIST

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

enter state and city and a list will pop up

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

Further refine the list on the left hand side of the page.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

I strongly suggest that you and your daughter "shop" together for the therapist online and make a mutual decision. Of course you will have looked before hand so that you might direct her attention to those that you think are the best choices

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

If she is in on the decision making then she is more apt to be receptive to the therapist.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

I see that you have left the chat.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

If you need some clarification or wish some follow-up points, please feel free to get back to me. I am switching to Q & A mode.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that you have a chance to reunite with your daughter now that the truth has been told.; MOve forward from here.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

If I have been of help, please leave me positive feedback so that JustAnswer can credit me for my work.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

Thank you so much.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.


When I told my daughter my side of the story, she was quiet and stared at the wall for like 30 minutes, she just shutdown. I asked her why she felt it was ok to say bad things about me and why she didn't get upset when her dad says bad things about me. I also asked her why she felt just because I was seeing someone that I chose them over her. Since, I do not see them or make plans with them when she is with me. I have never put them before her. My daughter is always first.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear Debbie,

Thank you for giving me that important information. You have shocked her with the truth and have given her a lot to think about. It may take some time for it all to sink in, but don't be afraid to talk to her truthfully, any more. mother to daughter.


How are things going now? Is she coming around in her thinking and perception of you, and does she realized yet that your side of the story has a lot of validity, and that as a victim you had no option other than to break up with her father?

Rather than hammer her father, try to establish closer ties with her. Discuss your feelings and your pain while in the relationship. Let her feel what you felt.

I still recommend a family therapist in which you can both attend, to help build the bridge back to her.

I believe you have made a good start. You are in an much better position to move forward positively and I wish you continued progress and success.


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC


Customer: replied 1 year ago.

After she shutdown she told me she loved me hugged me, then left to go back to her dads house. I texted her yesterday, while I was at work, that I felt sad and that I was sorry if I hurt her by the things I said. I told her I loved her and always will no matter what happens and my home is always her home. I wished I could have talked to her, but it would have been way to late to call after work. I did text her also that I was fearful of the tsumani of revenge that was to be coming my way from her father. She said she didn't know what was going to happen and told me she loved me too.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear Debbie,

I think you broke her father's power over you and over her. What occured was a major victory for you. There may be some negatives to come out of this breakthrough, but all in all it will be positive. I think that things have already changed for the better.

This will continue to resolve in your favor.

I will keep you in my prayers.


Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7661
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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