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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5401
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I have been married to a really good man for 13 years. I have

Resolved Question:

I have been married to a really good man for 13 years. I have a pretty negative past. I was a victim of child sexual abuse, lived through a house fire, therapy, nightmares, etc. I was on my own at 18 with no where to go, no money, no guidance. I recently had an inappropriate conversation with another person other than my husband. It didn't start off that way, nor did I seek it out. This person was in my life as a teen, and I haven't seen him in over 16 years. I no longer have a mental connection to this man, though I thought I loved him way back when. he was the rebel type. Wanted to move around and wanted me to follow him. I chose not to, knowing my life would never amount to anything with this person. Im glad that never happened. I met my husband and he showed me a life I never knew possible, gave me children, love and affection. My husband saw the conversation and he is devastated and humiliated. While it really and truly means nothing to me, I got lost in a moment and went back to a time without stress, kids, money, sick parents etc. My husband and I have a lot on our plate and we have been struggling over the past year. I believe I have been suffering from depression, and while I never got it diagnosed, I was too busy, with the kids, work, animals, managing my RA and living with his elderly parents. I need him to know that what I did was not a reflection of how I feel but a reflection of what I miss, freedom, carefree life we all had as teens. He is very angry and I don't know if he will forgive me. I have given this person my whole life and I have nothing without him. I don't know what to do.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like you made an honest mistake. You reconnected with this man from your past on the same level you did before most likely because that is what the two of you knew with each other. It seems like once you realized your mistake, you tried to rectify it with your husband. Only he is feeling betrayed and angry so he is not hearing you.

Because you are willing to put this man back into your past and you are sorry for what you did, that can only help your marriage. Your husband is not hearing that because he may not be able to overcome his hurt feelings yet. Keep trying with him. Tell him how sorry you are. He may resist hearing you, but when he is able to calm his emotions he will remember you saying it.

Also, talk to your husband about making amends. Let him know that you are aware you hurt him and especially that you took away his trust. Ask him what you can do to regain his trust. Be willing to do what he asks (as long as it is reasonable and not hurtful). Let him know that you are wrong here and that you are willing to do what it takes to fix what happened.

Be willing to become an open book in your marriage. If it makes your husband feel better, let him see your cell phone, read your emails and check your accounts. This will not be forever, but just until trust is reestablished.

Consider seeing a counselor with your husband, if he will go. If not, go without him. Let him know that you want to be sure this never happens again. And if he doesn't go with you initially, keep encouraging him to go eventually.

It may take a while, so try to be patient. Your husband may go from angry to hurt then to ok only to go back again. And the issues you were dealing with before may play a part as well. While you are working this through, you can also use self help to work on your marriage. Here are some resources to help:

Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken: Finding Forgiveness and Restoration by Cindy Beall

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5401
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

This resource may help as well:

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the
Unfaithful
by Linda J. MacDonald M.S.

Kate




May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!



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