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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am worried about my husand. He hardly speaks a word when

Resolved Question:

I am worried about my husand. He hardly speaks a word when he gets home, kept very much to himself and looks distinctively upset all the time, but he doesn't talk or share his feelings. Every time I tried to start a conversation about it, he doesn't allow the conversation to carry on and would get into a temper if I tried to continue. what is the problem?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

Is this a new behavior? If so, how long has he acted this way?

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

This has lasted for over a year but much more noticeable in the last few months. Looking back, it could have started even longer than a year ago,

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for the additional information.

It sounds like either something happened to him that made him withdrawal, or he is upset about something between the two of you that he is not willing to discuss. To hold onto these feelings for such a long time is odd and whatever is bothering him does need resolved, especially if it bothers him enough to cut off communication in your marriage.

People stop communicating usually due to depression, anger or something very painful they don't want to discuss. In marriage, not speaking to your spouse can also be a form of control. It keeps you worried and on edge while he controls what happens between you.

You are right to try to talk with him. By cutting you off, he has left you with no relationship and no answers on how to resolve what is wrong. And that is unfair to you. You deserve to at least know what is making him hold back his feelings and treat you as he has been treating you.

You can try approaching him and letting him know that you don't want to live like this in your marriage. Tell him that you deserve to be treated equally and that you feel that it is fair to at least let you know why he won't speak, even if he feels you won't like hearing it. If he still won't respond, then you may have to let this go and try other ways to get him to talk.

If you know any of his friends, try asking them. Or even family. He may have expressed these feelings to them. Also, talk to his doctor. Let the doctor know that his behavior has changed and that you are concerned about possible depression. While your husband may not speak to you, he may speak to his doctor. So trying to get help that way may find you answers.

Also, consider seeing a counselor. You can ask your husband if he will go with you but if he won't, go on your own. You need the support right now.

If all else fails, you may need to talk to a counselor about what your next step is in the marriage. Sometimes couples need to separate in order to have time to figure out what is wrong with the marriage and work it out. You may have to consider ways to help yourself through this and be sure you are ok.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I have done almost everything you mentioned, ie tell him I don't want to live like this and that I need to know why he is behaving like he does. He doesn't have any close friends as far as I know and he hasn't spoken to any of his family, in fact, he has become distant to them too. I am planning to find a counselor but don't know how to go about it. Can you suggest? He is unlikely to go.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

It sounds like you have tried everything you can to make this work. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Here are some resources to help you find a therapist:

http://www.psychologymatters.asia/find_therapist/Hong_Kong/

http://www.hkpcc.hk/indexeng.html

Here is a link to help you find a good therapist:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/01/26/10-ways-to-find-a-good-therapist/

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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