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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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What should I do? I am scared and sad about lost a friend

Customer Question

Last Monday, I was working on my computer. A friend's brother sent out an email through his facebook account, said my friend is dead in a car accident one week ago. I was in shock. Did not see that coming. I don't have many friends on facebook, I did not know someone could do such a thing through facebook. He is nuts. This friend I had was a very strong guy physically, I could not imagine that he would die. He has not married yet, no kids. But just died like that.I am so sad. Life is short and can be taken away like that in a day. I can not stop thinking about this and him for the past week. It is bothering me a lot. I don't want to think about him anymore. He is not coming back.


What should I do? I am scared and sad about this drama. I had Post Drama disorder symptoms before since I was a child (7years old). I was forced to leave my home where I lived with my grandmom for 7 years.This was a trigger again.

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 2 years ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, sorry to keep you waiting, I'd like to try and help you. Thank you for your post today.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry for such a shocking and sudden loss of your friend. You are absolutely right that announcing this on Facebook was very insensitive. It must have felt like the rug was pulled out from under you- of course. A friend, here one day and gone the next.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Getting such news is hard to digest, and to wrap your head around, it often feels surreal, because it is so shocking.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are probably in a state of shock as you try and make sense out of this. It's normal that you would be so occupied in thinking about this, or wake up in the morning and ask yourself, "did this really happen" or hoping it was just a nightmare.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's normal that it would bother you- I don't think you can just stop this- loss and grief responses take time to work through. It is frightening and scary. Because of your own history of trauma, this triggered some of your own stuff from the past. Having to leave home at age seven- there's a tremendous loss, and trauma. I can see how this shock and the related emotions can feel similar to that loss at age 7.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You hit it right on, that this was a trigger. That is how trauma can be, something happens unexpected, something you have no power or control of- again similar to when you were forced to leave home- no control nor say in this when it happened.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Such a tragic an sudden loss makes us realize how precious and short life really is- and it is to be cherished.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, can you join me for a live chat?

Customer:

I can't see the answer. They have been squeezed into upper corner.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

With such a loss it important for you to have others you can talk to, to support you during this difficult time. I'm sorry, I can change over to a different format. We won't be able to do live chat but can correspond back and forth.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Is there a way to expand your screen- the minimize maximize button on top right of your screen.

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
Jean and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Jean replied 2 years ago.
I had to change over to this format- because of the problem with the screen. You can continue to post your comments, and I can reply back.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.


I have heard other people's death before. But I did not fell this bad. Maybe because I don't have many friends in my life as supportive as him.

Expert:  Jean replied 2 years ago.
It may be, like you said, because you saw him as someone so supportive. You also said he was a young, strong, good person, whose life was cut way to short. If someone like that can be so suddenly and tragically killed, it makes us think about how life is so precious and short. It's hard to lose people, but especially if this was someone who meant so much to you- hits a bit closer to your heart.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.


I am sorry, I don't mean that I don't care about other people.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.


What I am scared about is when I am not in control, just like this case, I have no control over, and my childhood. I am trying to forgive about myself, and this, trama.

Expert:  Jean replied 2 years ago.
I did not get the impression that is what you meant. You seem like someone who cares a lot for people, a big heart, and are sensitive. You've been given some very shocking and tragic news, and it is natural and necessary for us to process this grief. Grief can be more complicated when it's in the way your friend died- no preparation- no time to say good bye. Continue to talk to people about this- the healing can come from retelling your experience over and over again- that's often how trauma experiences work- the retelling of the experience lessens it's impact. If not talking about it, you could do some journal writing. The writing can help you to continue to process this. I'm sorry for your loss- it will take time for this pain to ease a bit. Yes, that sense of powerlessness is most difficult- it is scary- you are not alone in this- but realizing it again reminds you of the loss when you were seven. You are right, you do not have control of this- that's a powerless and scary emotion- something we all experience in situations like this- very difficult. That's why it is so important for you to have support, if not a good friend or family member, maybe consider talking to a counselor. There may be some stuff from when you were 7 to continue to process.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.


Thank you very much, for all your valuable answers. I feel better now. I wish I could say goodbye to him, but no chance now.I will say it on my journal writing. Thanks for your advice.


I have been working with counselor on my own issues. She just changed an office location. I will catch up.


Can I come back next time ask for you on justanswer.com directly?

Expert:  Jean replied 2 years ago.
You can request me by putting my name "JeanN/20 plus counts" at the front of a new question. That would be great to hear from you again. You can still say good bye to your friend in your own way. Take Care!!

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Jean
Jean
Psychotherapist
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Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)