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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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i recently discovered my partner had been watching porn in

Customer Question

i recently discovered my partner had been watching porn in secrecy ,he says he has a fantasy of watching me have sex with another man,and chose a porn star that looks similar to me,can I believe him ?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for your question.

In general, people usually don't lie about the types of fantasies they have, but of course every situation is different. Can you tell me more about what you are having a hard time believing? I want to make sure I help you out, and a little more information would help me to do that. Thanks.

Ryan
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi,well I found out he has been watching porn for over a year,I cant believe its just for watching someone who looks similar as me,as we have a good sex life .I also trusted him,and finding out this secret has destroyed my trust in him.He says he hid it as he thought I would be angry and he admits he has a problem of visualising me with another man,it excites him but also he hates it .


Surely if he desires me so much as he says he does ,he shouldnt have to watch porn ?

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

Sites that objectify women are not only harmful to a relationship, they also undermine women's ability to feel confident in their own bodies because of the impossible image held up as a standard.

Looking at porn is never a good idea in a relationship. It often makes you feel cheated on because your partner is being turned on sexually by an image that is not you, but someone else. Any sexual feelings about another person, even if they are not in person, is demeaning to the relationship and to the other partner. It says that the sex in the relationship is not enough and there needs to be something else. And if you have any self esteem issues, seeing your partner view these other women is going to make you question yourself even more.

It is ok to tell your partner that you feel this way. It is important that you have a chance to express yourself and have your side heard. Hopefully, your partner is willing to be understanding and supportive. Let him know that even though he tells you that he is attracted to you, he is not backing this up by being faithful only to you and making you feel like you are enough for him. Men may always want to look because they are visual in their sexuality, but it does not mean they need to actively seek sexual experiences outside of their relationship. And making your partner realize that is vital because it impacts how you feel about how important you are in the relationship.

Your partner is following through with his need to be visually excited by watching porn. He can stop this behavior and instead work on finding out why he has the desire to seek out these fantasies on line instead of being satisfied in his relationship with you. Seeing a therapist can help him so he does not feel the need to look at porn and instead can find his needs fulfilled by your relationship. And learning more about how porn affects a marriage can help as well. Here is a resource to help you:

http://marriage.about.com/od/pornography/qt/What-To-Do-When-Your-Husband-Wo-Not-Stop-Watching-Pornography.htm



I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

I am sorry you were unhappy with your answer. Is there anything I can do to get you what you need?

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Yes i understand that porn is harmful , especially when hidden , I can't understand if he desires me as he says he does why needing to watch another woman even if she is similar to me ?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

Men view porn because they are visually stimulated. And since porn is usually considered an "accepted" part of society, men do not see it the same as cheating. So they view it to get pleasure.

And to view someone who looks like you may make him feel he is seeing "you" do things he fantasizes about, especially if he feels he cannot ask you to do those things either due to embarrassment or other reasons. Some men have difficulty seeing their partners do these types of things so they use porn to make it objective. It is easier to see a stranger do things like that than their own partners.

Kate

May I kindly request you rate me again at Ok or above for the effort so the negative is removed? Thank you!

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

Thank you very much for the positive rating. I appreciate it.

My best to you,

Kate

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