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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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i am seperated a few months my husband is draining our joint

Resolved Question:

i am seperated a few months my husband is draining our joint accounts his pyscitrist has certified him a sex addict and a risk finacially and socially. he is now calling family money his. if i drain it he will retaliate. ihave been married 28 years and have 2 kids with him
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, thank you for your post, I'm available to assist you.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry for your struggle in your marriage. It sounds like it's been a long and challenging road for you and your family.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Your husband is where he needs to be to get some further evaluated and treated for his mood, and compulsive and addictive behavior.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It is important for you to protect yourself financially. That he is deemed a risk financially tells me you would have a good reason to take action to protect the money. In his state of illness he may be angry and like you said "retaliate", again an indication of ill he is. Hopefully he is open to treatment interventions and he will begin to recover. If he has a mood disorder, that may explain some of his impulsive, risky, and dangerous behaviors. In a state of mania a person will often engage in risky behavior.

Customer:

he is also bi polar his mom passed in may we inherited alot of money and he started acting this way i am sure he is doing party drugs and he has had 2 triple heart bypasses in a month and has diabeties he is hanging with kids our sons age which is 22 and all the folks from the strip club. our sons hate to be around him he is diluted and is not doing the things he should to get better

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Thank you for joining me. Your situation sounds very difficult for you and the two children. It's healthy for you that you have separated from him, for your own sanity and health. One often has to hit bottom before they recognize and or admit there is a problem. With the extent of your husband's behavior and mood, his bottom may be quite deep. Married for 28 years, you have been through a war zone, I can only imagine. You may need additional support to recover from the trauma of all of this. While he's hospitalized may be the best time and opportunity to take action in protecting the family money. You have yourself and the children to take care of.

Customer:

he is not hospitalised he was only in for three days

Customer:

he is killing me mentally and finacially

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Three days is not enough is it. You have been put through a lot and need to consider consulting an attorney if you have not done so already.

Customer:

cant do anything till monday with the attorney should i drain the money or only take half

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It is also important that you get the support you need to recover from this. Seeking out a good friend, family member, or a counselor may be something to consider. It has been a war zone, very stressful and overwhelming to have to watch him self destruct and take others down with him. I would at least take half or more and put it in a safe place.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I can't imagine anyone would fault you for protecting the money from someone who is making such poor decisions- it is documented that he is a "risk financially".

Jean N/20pluscounts :

There's a few days before Monday, and a lot of money can be spent between now and than.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

What did you mean when you say if you drain the money he will retaliate?

Customer:

sorry

Jean N/20pluscounts :

it's okay

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Are you still there- if you are in the middle of something I can wait a bit.

Customer:

yes

Jean N/20pluscounts :

This is a very difficult and challenging situation you are in. He's not thinking or behaving rationally and it is important to protect yourself, the children, and the finances.

Customer:

sorry the phone alot lof stuff is going on with my husband he doesnt even want to know me any more i held him up when he lost his job caused by porn at wirk

Customer:

never left his side for the heart surgeries never cheated or anything

Jean N/20pluscounts :

His actions are catching up to him, now affecting his work. These consequences are what may prompt him to get help. You are a good an loyal woman and that is why it makes little sense, and why it hurts so much.

Customer:

i did everything took care of the kids worked always mowed weed eater cook clean i did everything not cause i had to but because i love my family

Customer:

i have lost my mom and dad sister and brother plus a sister inlaw and a man that was my second dad and he is all i have left

Customer:

and in a matter of minutes i lost my home and my husband he threw us out pretty much to move in his stripper

Customer:

his mom has been my mom for a long time so that was a hard loss and i knew when she died in my heart he was going to do this

Jean N/20pluscounts :

That's what we do when we love and care for our family, but would hope it would come back to us in a more positive way. This crazy making stuff makes little sense- no sense to make out this, when it hurts so many people. You have endured a lot of loss, this makes this even more painful. I'm sorry for such losses- and most recently- losing your home, husband. That is too much for one person. You are not dealing with a rational, reasonable, nor healthy man. The loss of his mother, may have triggered him to "fall".

Jean N/20pluscounts :

There are things he's repressed and all this behavior is to numb or self medicate.

Customer:

i think so too his kids don't like him anymore at all

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He is no longer the man you fell in love with many years ago. You are quite powerless to save him from himself.

Customer:

i can't i have tore my heart out multiple times begged him not to do this and his kids have too he just dont care

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He will wake up one day and be very alone. This stuff eventually catches up to a person, can not run forever. His physical health does not sound good either- rather pitiful, and sad. What a sad and lonely existence.

Customer:

he says he loves me and fix things thats why the pyscologist he was told he was a sex addicted and asked if he could have a copy to hang on the wall

Customer:

and went drinking right after his appt

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's near impossible to reason with a addict. The addiction takes front and center in his world. It is sad, and heartbreaking for those who love him. A copy to have an excuse for his behavior huh?

Customer:

i call him and i heard him say to whoever this girl was i hate this f-ing bitch and her laugh he dienied it and said he was talking about someone else

Customer:

ohh he is not taking getting help seriously at all

Customer:

he thought he could go there and just get scipts

Jean N/20pluscounts :

For some men "sex addict" may be a compliment to their manliness!! He had to go celebrate the news with a drink!! That is a good example of "stinkin thinkin" that goes along with addiction- lots of excuses and rationalizations for their behavior. He's surrounding himself with those who will join the addiction.

Customer:

not me he was asking me to do bizzar things and blamed me for his cheating cause i wouldnt swing or threesome im 50 and that is not my goal and he likes them young and he has developed alot of fetishes lately they know him by name at the sex shoppe

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You nor your children are no longer part of that "club", you do not condone his behavior, so he looks for those who will join him, allow him to continue to engage in those behaviors. Sex is just like a drug to him, a quick fix, to avoid the deep seated hurt and pain.

Customer:

i think he has a drug problem along with everything else

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Projecting blame on others is also part of stinkin thinkin, take little to no responsibility for their actions. Wow, how powerful you are to drive him to cheat, and hire strippers!!! He's made this bed...It sounds like his addiction is progressive- getting worse.

Customer:

yes it is he thinks he is cool and his friends r sicken by it and when i say friends i mean the guys from the other couples we would hang with some have been friends over twenty plus years

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Addiction, not uncommon to switch or have various additions. Sadly he may die before his addiction does- that's how strong an addiction can be. That's what is so difficult when you are on the outside looking in and see it clearly, when he thinks you are "full of it" and he believes he's right. Like I said, his bottom may be deep, what more can one put into jeopardy?

Customer:

but he finds them boring now why cause they dont like the strip clubs and think they r a waste of time

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He's part of the "sick" club- plenty of members if one is looking. He may have to look "underground" for more members huh?

Customer:

yes but i am not going to wait for him to drain our retirement down some girls pants ill leave him half till i talk to a lawyer dont even think hell notice right away hes so messed up

Jean N/20pluscounts :

This is so difficult when you are so helpless. It was best to get out of this, not be a part of this anymore. It would be one thing if you could save him but...How can one have so much but create such a mess??

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Right, all you can do is save the money, since ya can't save him.

Customer:

i really dont know i pushed the stripper out of my house but he is still brining her there my house what a laugh

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry for what this does to families- it's devastating- long lasting affects on you and the children. I hope you all get the support you need during this difficult time. Support, support, and support is important for you and the kids. He's polluting the house!!

Customer:

i love my apt it is full of love till he comes over and the whole mood changes my sons friends love to come here and hang and eat my cooking but he can empty a room real quick

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Call in the exterminators!! What a sad, sad, and hopeless existence. Your time will now best be spent on healing.

Customer:

thank you for listening i promise to seek some help first step to the bank i dont want to destroy him him but my kids must come first then a lawyer then some help

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes, surround yourself with good energy. Make your home a happy place where good people gather. Fill it with good people and good food!! Sounds comforting. There is an "air" surrounding an addict, a dark energy.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes- take the best care of you and the children. I send you thoughts of healing and peace.

Customer:

thank you i am not crying anymore i wont waste another tear or thought on him

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He may do a "fine" job destroying himself, sadly- no help needed. You can pray for him, hope for the best.

Customer:

i do i do i prayed over leaving him very hard everyday and as i kept finding more stuff it was god wanted me to get to the truth and this moment of closure

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Let me know if I can help again- have strength. Happy Holidays to you and your family. Here's to a better new year huh??

Customer:

yes definately and ur family as well. thank you for being my christmas angel i was so over whelmed not os much now ty

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are welcome!!

Customer:

u do important work

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Thank you for that!

Customer:

:)

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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