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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5481
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband has been vicatimizing me for the past one year..

Customer Question

My husband has been vicatimizing me for the past one year.. he says i have spoilt his prime years 8 yrs ago we got married... have 3 kids.. he critisizes and humilates me day in and day out.. he is perfectly normal with everyone else.. but the minute he sees me he starts abusing and threating me.... and keeps sayin ive spoilt his prime years.. and we have not had sex for the past one year .. he says he hates me ( no reason) and cannot stand me and will divorce me.. he threatens me atleast 10 times a day... its gettin on my brains now... has he gone mad or what kind of disease does he have...?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It is very difficult to cope when you are caught in an abusive relationship. You want things to change because you remember when it was better between you. And you hold out hope because you still love your husband and hope he can be a better person. And it is very easy to get caught in an abusive relationship and feel you cannot leave. Your self esteem is low and you feel there is nothing else out there for you because you have lost hope. But with the right support, it can get better.

The only way people do change is if they want to. And at this point, your husband is not seeing what he is doing is wrong. And if he doesn't see how he is treating is wrong, he is not going to change. Not with where he is now. And it sounds like you have made as much effort as you can to make the marriage work. Yet he keeps hurting you and won't stop. When someone acts as your husband is acting, it is usually due to a personality disorder, past abuse or neglect in their background or anger issues. Either way, how he is treating you is not your fault. It is his. If he was upset with you for a good reason, he could just as easily talk to you about it and find a solution with you. He does not need to tell you he hates you, that you "ruined" his life and wants to get rid of you. That is hateful and hurtful to you and does not help anything. So that means this problem is with him and not you.

The first step in dealing with how you feel is to see a therapist, with him if he will go. If he won't go (even though that would really help him) it is up to you to go on your own. Talking to someone about what you feel can not only provide much needed support, but it can help you sort out your emotions so you are more clear on what you want and what you need. To find a therapist, talk with your doctor for a referral. Or try family and friends for help to find someone.

The second step is to consider a separation from your husband. If he is hurting you like he is, then you are in an abusive relationship. You do not deserve to be treated like he is treating you. You deserve better. Taking time to get away from the situation and think through what you want can help you decide how to proceed.

Also, consider learning more about abusive relationships and how they affect you. Here are some resources to help:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm



http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/09/28/5-ways-to-escape-an-abusive-relationship/

Should I Stay or Should I Go- Lundy Bancroft

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


thank you soo much... no please do stay ... i totally agree with what you are saying.. i want to know if he is sick and treatment would help.. he does not want to talk.. and he does not want to see a doctor.. and ofcourse i cannot take him... the only risk i have in divorce are the kids... it will be a huge damage to them... is their a way i can convince his parents....( that he is acting abusive with me) and he needs help... or a doctor... beacuse he is perfectly normal with everyone else... people dont seem to belive me... and if hes creating a drama i doubt a man would do that 365 days... he cant mess his own home can he.. and watever happend to his sexual needs... he wasnt like this... he doesnt even like me touching him.. he hits me if i do... this is soo not normal and im tryin hard to save this marriage but its gettin to hard for me... is their anything i can do..

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

It is very hard when your husband manipulates and deceives with the abuse. If he is turning on the abuse in private and turning if off in public, then he knows what he is doing. In that case, he does need help. He is hurting you on purpose and that is not a good sign.

 

It can be very difficult to convince his parents if they see no evidence. Parents rarely side with anyone against their own kids. You can bring in the safety of their grandchildren if you feel that would help, but most likely it is better to work on getting you and the children out of the situation or at least protected and letting them believe what they want.

 

Seek counseling on your own if he won't go. And if you can, get some for the kids as well. It can help you all cope better. Your husband does need help but if he won't get it, then it is up to you to get support for yourself and your family.

And also, consider getting the book Should I Stay or Should I Go by Lundy Bancroft. I have a copy of this book and it is very helpful in sorting out how you feel and what to do in an abusive relationship. I highly recommend it.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


is this it? can i not reply to u more... ive tried everything.. so are u sayn if he wont go then its a divorce for sure? oh no hes rude to me everywhere. but hes only rude to me alone and fine with the whole world.. he says he hates me... :( where has his emotions gone and i know hes not cheetin on me

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

You can reply to me, that is fine. But Just Answer is a question and answer site so after a certain point, following through with the recommendation I provided are going to help you more. And the abuse you are dealing with is better addressed through therapy. Therapy provides a more consistent support for you.

 

I know you want to try to make things better with your husband, that is understandable. But you cannot control what your husband does. There is no way to force him to get better. So that leaves it up to you to address how you feel and to protect you and the children. He is not giving you any other choice. That can be difficult to face and even scary but it is the only choice he is giving you, which is why support is so important. Divorce may not be the only answer, but sometimes a separation can help him realize what he is doing hurts you and the kids.

 

Kate

 

 


May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


thank you very much.. i wanted to know if there is a disorder that hes goin through so i can search it up and convince his parents to get him treated... if u know the name and can provide it .. i shall be greatful and will rate you surely!


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

Without seeing him in person for an evaluation, it is impossible to tell exactly what might be wrong. However, personality disorders are very common with abusers so you may want to try there first. Here is a link to help you:

http://www.nmha.org/go/information/get-info/personality-disorders

Narcissism personality disorder is the most frequent one so you may want to try there first.

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

yeh i understand


but do they randomly occur and dont go away without treatment.. all the way he keeps blaming me for all wat ive done...although its a norm wat couples go through.. he doesnt seem to want me at all.. and im the one thinking abt the kids and society etc.. but what still amazes me is that a 33 year old does not have the urge to have sex .. how in the world is that possible.. so he surely must be sick... eh..?

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

There could be a number of reasons for his behavior, but without being able to see him in person, there is no way to know for sure. The best way to find out is to have him see his doctor who can do a full evaluation to find out what is going on.

Kate



If you're satisfied with my response, please rate me highly. Thanks!

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


thank you very much.. how do i convince him that he needs a doctor... he says i dont need u..! im in such a mess dont know how this would be sorted out... and how do i tell the kids we are separating.... they are too small to understand wats happeing but if they dont see their father home they will ask and what do i say?

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
I would be more than happy to continue working with you on any new questions you have. All I ask is that you remember to rate my answers for each new/different question you ask. Thanks!
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5481
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

You are not going to be able to force him to go to the doctor. All you can do is suggest it.

In telling the children, you may want to try to do that in counseling. It is going to be difficult for them and the support can help.

Thanks for the rating. Take care,

Kate

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