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TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5770
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am 58 years old. Thin and find myself very attractive.

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I am 58 years old. Thin and find myself very attractive. I am bright. Have a good job. I have been married to my husband four years. He is seven years younger. He is also tall and attractive. He is a recovering alcoholic and drug addiction for 8 years now. He is very outgoing. I have gotten the impression since I have known him that he needs female attention all the time. He has been on facebook talking to women that he knew from years ago. Then I happen to see women around 23-30 years on his facebook that he claims he meets at AA meetings. I told him to stop this over 1 year ago which he didn't. He has lied all this time. Now he claims he stopped facebook completely after our argument. My daughter is going thru a serious divorce which her husband did the same thing. The fact that he lied to me after I told him to stop is upsetting me. He denies physically cheating with anyone. I asked him to go for help and he claims he does not need it. He stopped the facebook. I asked why the young women from AA that he felt the need to talk to, he cannot answer why. They are half his age. He thinks this should be dropped and to move on. I feel so hurt and dont know if I can trust him anymore. How do I know if he is cheating.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

If you are finding reasons to talk to your husband about other women, he is denying that he is doing anything wrong and he is refusing to stop his behavior, then you have reason to feel he is cheating. A spouse does not feel as you do if there is no reason to do so. And you are not just being jealous because you are able to point out actions your husband is taking with other women that are inappropriate.

There is no need for your husband to be having contact with these women. Any female friends he has should either be your friends as well, or co workers that you are familiar with and who know you exist as his wife. Since these boundaries are not in place, then it can be assumed that your husband does not have appropriate boundaries with women. And without those boundaries, these women will assume that your husband is available for a relationship.

Other than having your husband followed by a detective, there is no sure way to know he is physically cheating. But by his actions it seems sure he is at least emotionally cheating.

At this point, he needs to stop his behavior in order to save your marriage. He needs to regain your trust. If he will not do that, then you may need to decide how you want to proceed- either stay with him and try to work it out, or leave him. Either way, consider talking to a therapist. You need the support right now and it can help you decide if you should try saving the marriage.

Here is a resource that may help:

Should I Stay Or Should I Go? Lundy Bancroft

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
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