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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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I have been married for 16 years

Resolved Question:

I have been married for 16 years, and in the relationship foe 26 year. My husband has been having affairs over the years. He spends a lot of time away from hom because of his 12 hour work schedule and he in in the Army part-time. We have one son 19 yrs and I have one son before 34 yrs. The affairs are mostly emotional we argue a lot about how this has made me feel. I want to forgive but the pain keeps getting in the way. I was always there for him, but he seemed to always bypass me to have a new emotional experience. We are still together, but the talks turn to actuation and anger. Please advise.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, I can try and assist you.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Thank you for your post, Welcome!

Customer:

I was asking a marrige counselling question

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I do marriage counseling in my practice

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Has your husband stopped the affairs- even the "emotional" affairs?

Customer:

ok

Customer:

I"m not sure -he says he has

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm not so sure you believe in your heart he has stopped, that makes it especially difficult for you to put down your guard with him, of course!

Customer:

yes very differcult

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Even an emotional affair takes a spouse away from the other. He is not available for you when focus is on other, attentive, involved with someone else.

Customer:

yes, theat is true, it has taken a lot of family time together with my son also, my son has gone to Uni in London but does not want to come back to Bermuda to live.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's painful, so hard to trust once this has happened. You must feel beat down with this, torn between hanging in there and getting the hey out.

Customer:

I am always sick, I no longer know how to trust. I am torn into so many ways, but I want to try and work on things. I need advise on how to keep the anger out of the conversations.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It is hurtful for all family members- difficult for your children to see you hurt too. Sounds like your husband has some compulsive and addictive tendencies- working so much, forming relationships with women. I do not think you can keep the anger out unless you begin identifying the sadness, hurt, pain, loss...with him- the anger is the hurt.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Is he willing to do marriage counseling?

Customer:

yes,

Jean N/20pluscounts :

That's great- a good sign, gives you hope I'm sure.

Customer:

Somewhat, but he also flip flops on leaving

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Something to consider is writing a "love letter" The format for the letter can be found in the Men are From Mars Women are From Venus book by XXXXX XXXXX. An oldie but goodie of a book. He flip flops on leaving the marriage?

Customer:

ok, I will lookup this letter, I just need to find a way to try and forgive myself for not acting on my feelings when I felt something was not right.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

The love letter is designed for one to fill in the blanks, to peel back the layers of emotions. It can be a productive way for you to first, identify how you feel, and can then decide if it's something you want to share.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It can be really emotional experience to write the letter- starts with anger, hurt, pain, takes you through an array of emotions.

Customer:

that should help, I won"t have to talk

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You can find the letter on line- if you google the book, and specify "love letter" in your search. Your local library may also have the book.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Exactly, you can explore your emotions first, sort them out, take the anger interaction out of it for now.

Customer:

I need to remove the anger first, then I can work on forgiveness myself first

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes- that right! If you do the letter, trust what comes- do a let it rip version, and you can revise and tweak if you decide to give it to him. Another good book: Surviving an Affair.

Customer:

I will download that book also, this has been good to talk to someone that is not close to the situation. I have a few friends but I don"t talk about my marriage issues - they are single

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It sounds like you are on the right track- take time for yourself to sort this out, take an inventory of where you are at in all of this. The author of Surviving an Affair is: Willard F. Jr. Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers.

Customer:

This has been a great experience to chat on-line, I go to Counseling on Saturdays but I needed someone to talk to tonight. I am greatful for you assistance.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Best wishes to you on your journey to healing. Friends can support but too close to the situation sometimes. All you can really have an impact on is yourself- we are not very successful when we set out to "change" or fix someone else!! This was a good step tonight for YOU. You are so welcome!!

Customer:

Thank You I know I'll be back. I look forward to chat with you again

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes please request me in the future. If you'd be so kind to rate my answer ok or above in order for me to get credit- greatly appreciated -Thank you!

Customer:

:) Good Night, and be blessed

Jean N/20pluscounts :

same to you- take the best care!

Customer:

Thank you

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are welcome!

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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