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I have been married for 16 years, and in the relationship foe 26 year. My husband has been having affairs over the years. He spends a lot of time away from hom because of his 12 hour work schedule and he in in the Army part-time. We have one son 19 yrs and I have one son before 34 yrs. The affairs are mostly emotional we argue a lot about how this has made me feel. I want to forgive but the pain keeps getting in the way. I was always there for him, but he seemed to always bypass me to have a new emotional experience. We are still together, but the talks turn to actuation and anger. Please advise.
Hello, I can try and assist you.
Thank you for your post, Welcome!
I was asking a marrige counselling question
I do marriage counseling in my practice
Has your husband stopped the affairs- even the "emotional" affairs?
I"m not sure -he says he has
I'm not so sure you believe in your heart he has stopped, that makes it especially difficult for you to put down your guard with him, of course!
yes very differcult
Even an emotional affair takes a spouse away from the other. He is not available for you when focus is on other, attentive, involved with someone else.
yes, theat is true, it has taken a lot of family time together with my son also, my son has gone to Uni in London but does not want to come back to Bermuda to live.
It's painful, so hard to trust once this has happened. You must feel beat down with this, torn between hanging in there and getting the hey out.
I am always sick, I no longer know how to trust. I am torn into so many ways, but I want to try and work on things. I need advise on how to keep the anger out of the conversations.
It is hurtful for all family members- difficult for your children to see you hurt too. Sounds like your husband has some compulsive and addictive tendencies- working so much, forming relationships with women. I do not think you can keep the anger out unless you begin identifying the sadness, hurt, pain, loss...with him- the anger is the hurt.
Is he willing to do marriage counseling?
That's great- a good sign, gives you hope I'm sure.
Somewhat, but he also flip flops on leaving
Something to consider is writing a "love letter" The format for the letter can be found in the Men are From Mars Women are From Venus book by XXXXX XXXXX. An oldie but goodie of a book. He flip flops on leaving the marriage?
ok, I will lookup this letter, I just need to find a way to try and forgive myself for not acting on my feelings when I felt something was not right.
The love letter is designed for one to fill in the blanks, to peel back the layers of emotions. It can be a productive way for you to first, identify how you feel, and can then decide if it's something you want to share.
It can be really emotional experience to write the letter- starts with anger, hurt, pain, takes you through an array of emotions.
that should help, I won"t have to talk
You can find the letter on line- if you google the book, and specify "love letter" in your search. Your local library may also have the book.
Exactly, you can explore your emotions first, sort them out, take the anger interaction out of it for now.
I need to remove the anger first, then I can work on forgiveness myself first
Yes- that right! If you do the letter, trust what comes- do a let it rip version, and you can revise and tweak if you decide to give it to him. Another good book: Surviving an Affair.
I will download that book also, this has been good to talk to someone that is not close to the situation. I have a few friends but I don"t talk about my marriage issues - they are single
It sounds like you are on the right track- take time for yourself to sort this out, take an inventory of where you are at in all of this. The author of Surviving an Affair is: Willard F. Jr. Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers.
This has been a great experience to chat on-line, I go to Counseling on Saturdays but I needed someone to talk to tonight. I am greatful for you assistance.
Best wishes to you on your journey to healing. Friends can support but too close to the situation sometimes. All you can really have an impact on is yourself- we are not very successful when we set out to "change" or fix someone else!! This was a good step tonight for YOU. You are so welcome!!
Thank You I know I'll be back. I look forward to chat with you again
Yes please request me in the future. If you'd be so kind to rate my answer ok or above in order for me to get credit- greatly appreciated -Thank you!
:) Good Night, and be blessed
same to you- take the best care!
You are welcome!