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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1745
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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Hello, Im in a longterm relationship and the sex is great.

Resolved Question:

Hello, I'm in a longterm relationship and the sex is great. Recently we have considered the idea of including another person. Our relationship is intense and loving and while we want to be more adventurous we do not want do anything which may harm it. We are both open minded and pretty free of hang ups and regularly fantasize about doing this however we need to be sure that it's only harmless fun and not destructive.
Many thanks,
Josef
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

Hi Josef. i think it is great that the two of you are so open with each other and can have such a great relationship and can use this fantasy as a way to enhance your time together.

CoachJenK :

It is hard to predict how it will play out but often it is felt that it is a great idea but after the fact things can come up that cannot be predicted.

Customer:

i.e what kinds of things?

CoachJenK :

feelings of jealousy and envy. anger

CoachJenK :

I know you are well rounded but often when another person is added it can cause these feelings.

Customer:

That what I'm worries about but this is normal, right?

CoachJenK :

The desire is normal and there is nothing wrong with it. I am impressed that you are both so open with each other

Customer:

thank you!

CoachJenK :

I would continue talking about it and playing out all the different possibilities. If your sex is great and you can use this fantasy to enhance the time together then this may be enough.

CoachJenK :

If it isn't and you want to go down that road together I would set up some clear guidelines before hand so you can play by the rules so to speak.

Customer:

I want o try and get over feeling of jealousy and envy and allow her freedom. Really I want to not be too possesive.

CoachJenK :

It is not being too possessive if you dont want your love to have relations with others. That is normal.

Customer:

I agree with the rules and guidlines. Any suggestions?

CoachJenK :

if you dont allow her freedom to talk to others freely that may be a different story but this is about intimacy

Customer:

Exactly I do I'm not overtly possessive but what kind of rules do you mean?

CoachJenK :

so if you set some rules try and figure out what it is you both desire and what you both know you cannot live with

CoachJenK :

if you want to bring someone in then maybe you say to each other it is only one time with this person and you check in with each other to make sure everyone is feeling okay. no seeing the other person outside of the time together.

Customer:

Absolutely! that would not happen

CoachJenK :

just make sure you both agree to that.

CoachJenK :

in advance!

Customer:

However our desire is so strong that we want to experiment.

Customer:

But only if its a one off situation like you say

CoachJenK :

then follow that piece in you, be open with each other and always make sure you are both on the same page

CoachJenK :

if you desire to make this a regular part of things then still have the same rules...nothing outside or beyond

Customer:

Ok I want to watch her having sex with someone else is this normal?

CoachJenK :

yes this is not uncommon at all.

Customer:

really?

CoachJenK :

many men desire this.

Customer:

why do you think this is?

CoachJenK :

Go easy on yourself here. But remember that just because you believe you want this you could still have some feelings of jealousy if you follow through with it.

Customer:

Go easy, i'm not sure what you mean?

CoachJenK :

meaning dont beat yourself up for having these feelings

Customer:

Of jealousy or desire to see this happen?

CoachJenK :

for desiring it.

Customer:

Great!

CoachJenK :

and if you are open with each other about it and you both desire it then that is where you both want to be in your relationship.

Customer:

I really want to just sit and observe the whole act, has anyone said this before?

CoachJenK :

yes

CoachJenK :

does she want this too? it has to be the desire of both of you.

Customer:

Really?

Customer:

I think so we're both mutually open to trying things.

CoachJenK :

then if you are on the same page then that is what is important

Customer:

great, so watching her have sex with someone is not perverted or abnoraml then?

CoachJenK :

Take a look at this article so you can see that these desires are common

CoachJenK :

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304840904577426600963764604.html

Customer:

ok will do but it really does turn me on to think of this and if we're both on the same page and don't see the person again it's ok?

CoachJenK :

If it works for both of you and you keep your dialog between the two of you and you both care for each others feelings then it sounds like it works for both of you.

CoachJenK :

your connection is what determines what works and you say you have a great relationship and great intimacy so that says a lot.

Customer:

I want to watch her as if I'm not there to begin with and let it play out organically and not intefere and then take over myself!

CoachJenK :

that is between the two of you.

Customer:

great it sounds positive so far but i need to sure!

CoachJenK :

Here is another great article.http://www.uic.edu/depts/wellctr/docs/Lets%20talk%20about%20sex.pdf

Customer:

apologies, thanks so its not uncommon or starnge and could be a sign of amotional strength and maturity perhaps?

CoachJenK :

it is not uncommon at all. I believe that it shows trust in your relationship but remember it is truly hard to predict exactly how you will feel. That is true in life for anything we haven't experienced yet.

CoachJenK :

so my best thoughts are to keep the communication going between the two of you and always check in with how the other one is feeling.

Customer:

Ok that said I am quite sensitive but I am realistic about life and I don't want to suffer another broken heart and If I'm able to be this open about sex with my current partner then maybe there is no fear about suffering in the same way. As there would be no hang ups so to speak.. Or I could be wrong?

CoachJenK :

I worry that if you are sensitive and there is nothing wrong with that, then this might be a risky venture for you as it is for many.

CoachJenK :

I would take more time together to process this....my hunch is that this is risky.

CoachJenK :

I might fantasize as you have a bit more and see how you feel and how this can work for both of you.

Customer:

like what?

CoachJenK :

dont understand your question

Customer:

Didnt understand either

Customer:

SO continue as we have been?

CoachJenK :

continue as you have with each other and dont rush into things

CoachJenK :

yes

Customer:

and think about it but it would be risky if I might feel awful after the act or something?

CoachJenK :

exactly right.

CoachJenK :

you sound like a warm and sensitive man and this could feel hurtful for you

CoachJenK :

sometimes the fantasy is better than the real thing.

Customer:

Maybe I think I partly might want to allow her to do this after sleeping with someone else last year,that I told her about.

CoachJenK :

that could be. To make your mistake easier on yourself.

Customer:

yeah true but we were going through an awful time, illness and recover and everything fell apart

Customer:

I needed to cope and I n

CoachJenK :

then given that...I really believe the fantasy is the way to remain and not follow through on this.

Customer:

So how can we be more adventurous, cause she wants to experiemnt

CoachJenK :

again that you need to work on together.

CoachJenK :

talk with her and see what feels right for both of you.

Customer:

Ok but i want to be man enough to watch and not feel inadequete.

CoachJenK :

I hear you bt I dont think it makes you more or less of a man to do that.

Customer:

really?

CoachJenK :

yes you have decided that but I dont think it does.

CoachJenK :

so my friend. Keep talking to each other and be open with it all. Take care of your feelings and hers and she do the same for you and it will either come to be or it won't.

CoachJenK :

I wish you both the best.

Customer:

Ok so my payment i macde will not recur?

CoachJenK :

you placed a deposit and once we are done I ask that you click on the rating tab to offer a rating of my support. My goals is Excellent.

CoachJenK :

if you didnt sign up for a subscription you will not be charged anything more.

Customer:

Deposit meaning i get it back?

CoachJenK :

once you complete the rating of my work I can get credit. I do not get credit otherwise

CoachJenK :

the funds have been taken from your account already but I only get credit when you complete a positive rating which I am hopeful you will complete.

Customer:

Ok so you don't get anything until I click something?

CoachJenK :

correct. There is a rating tab for you to click on and once you offer a positive rating I am compensated.

Customer:

ok no problem will the articles be on this page still after?

CoachJenK :

once you complete the rating you will get this transcipt emailed to you and the links will be there.

CoachJenK :

*transcript

Customer:

Excellent!

CoachJenK :

so I wish you well. Be true to your feelings.

CoachJenK :

get some rest.

Customer:

Can I continue for short time more please?

CoachJenK :

What else can i help you with?

CoachJenK :

I will be leaving my office shortly. We have been conversing for an hour. Just want to give you the heads up.

Customer:

Really sorry thanks for the help.

CoachJenK :

no sorries. What else can i help you with?

Customer:

Is it normal to sometimes fell aroused about her father and her having sex? A much as i try not to think of this she always mentions the resemblance of our physicality.

CoachJenK :

I believe these feelings should be addressed in a therapeutic setting where you can really explore these feelings. Are you open to seeing a therapist.

CoachJenK :

it could be quite helpful to have a safe place to talk about all of this.

CoachJenK :

where in the uk are you?

CoachJenK :

I can help try and locate someone.

Customer:

I get turned on by the thought of this when she mentions it. Glasgow !

CoachJenK :

would you like help locating a therapist.

CoachJenK :

Take a look here to find someone local.http://www.therapsgla.co.uk/

Customer:

It's ok I've been referred. 4 th December.

CoachJenK :

excellent. It will be helpful.

Customer:

I know she like the simlarity but in a younger obviously non -isestuious form.

CoachJenK :

I believe we have covered as much as we can in this forum, so i wish you well and i am glad you will be seeing someone on the 4th. I wish you the best.

Customer:

ok thanks all the best and I will click the rating!

CoachJenK :

wonderful. Take great care.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1745
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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