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psychlady
psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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Hi, ive been seeing a counsellor since February about my abandonment

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Hi, i've been seeing a counsellor since February about my abandonment issues. My family has never really been there for me, and i've been keeping everyone i know at arms length afraid i'll get hurt and my counsellor says that it's quite human to protect yourself from potential hurt and pain like ive felt since i was 15. What i would like help with is that i found the man i love and we got married. Life hasnt been easy, ive tested him so much times through our relationship, we've both tried couple counselling and i'm still seeing her on my own. I think i know what im doing to him, and i cant contol when i don't like something he's done and we have a disagreement over something its like a switch goes off in my head and i become cold towards him and it can last for days. It's very draining for both of us and i wonder if there's something psycological going on that i need further help with before i loose him for good.

People with a fear of abandonment often find themselves unable to confront angry feelings. So instead of facing them head on they shut down. When faced in conflict, they go into protection mode from the hurt of others. They interpret conflict as highly uncomfortable. Abandonment causes one to not have the conflict skills necessary to resolve conflict. These skills have to be learned to replace skills that you have taken on in an effort to deal with your partner. When we don't have positive skills we develop negative skills. used over and over they become part of our personality. Because of the pain of abandonment, we are so uncomfortable that we will take on any skill we can to avoid or minimize conflict.

Counseling is necessary if you want to improve your marriage and change your way of resolving conflict. You may try marriage counseling so that the interaction between the two of you improves. This is different than individual counseling to work on yourself. You will be able to resolve conflict better if you know how to communicate. Communication may be poor and this is hindering your marriage. If you want a cute self help guide try to get a copy of Mars and Venus in a Committed Relationship.

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.


Hello, thank you for your quick reply. I understand completely what your saying. I feel that the counsellor is only scratching the surface of the problems im having and i have made an appointment to see my gp soon to see if i need further help like a psycologist to really get deep into what's going on in my head. Do you think this a sensible idea or should i stick to the counselling?

I think you may find positive results by upgrading your counselor. This can be quite effective. Try to find a psychologist with a doctorate or master's degree so that you get a different perspective
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