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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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Hi my husband is studying for a BSc degree at UNI. He is

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Hi my husband is studying for a BSc degree at UNI. He is a kind friendly and helpful person. Recently a woman (another student) has become over friendly towards him in my opinion, She was a friend of his on Facebook and signs messages with 'hugs and xxx !! He responded with hugs and xxx too!! 'I saw this on the computor and challenged him with 'Whats this all about?' I thought it was innapropriate. His response was to deny there was anything between them except friendship he never thought of her in that way and he loved me... his wife. He told the woman that his wife was upset at the conversations and SHE deleted him from her friend list. However a few weeks later she contacted him by donating to a charity sponsorship he was doing to elicit a 'thankyou reply' .His response was to apologise to her for what happened that he missed chatting to her and she to him as he was a good friend! He says he realises it was wrong and knows it has hurt me and wont speal to her again. I am very angry. This woman has emailed him again saying she does not think she was being' innappropriate'.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, I am available to assist you- thank you for your post.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry for your struggle. This is difficult not knowing the best way to respond to this. Whatever this woman's role in your husband's life, it's apparent she has come between the two of you, friendship or other.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Even if it's purely an emotional relationship or friendship it can take your husband's time and attention off of his marriage. He's not as "available" to you, with his focus on her. "Inappropriate" is all in how you define it. It sounds like it was close to crossing the line for you, especially with the signs of affection xoxo!!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

For you, trust your instincts that tell you this does not feel "right". It was very appropriate for you to speak up and share how you feel about this. Most important, I would hope that your husband would respect your feelings about this, validate how this is affecting you.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes, it may be a "friendship", but sometimes those relationships are more "risky" in that a bond is formed, vs. an affair where it's purely sexual, and short lived. In whatever way this relationship is defined, the point, really is that his time focused on her, takes him away from you, not "available" to meet your needs.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Using "I" statements when you share how you feel may lessen the chance of him becoming defensive, such as "When you are in frequent contact with her, it may be a friendship, yet I am hurt, confused, uncertain, afraid, (whatever your emotion is), and I'd like you to talk to me more about this situation, and or cease the contact with her. It may flatter your husband that another woman is "over friendly" with him, may be a boost the the ole ego.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

An x and an o is hugs and kisses- yes that does seem a bit inappropriate. Your husband tells you he loves you, and this can be true, at the same time he is splitting his time and attention with someone else. However, this may be all great and wonderful for your husband to have such a x and o friend, but where does that leave you? That your husband has committed to you and tells you it was wrong, knows it hurt you, and he won't speak to her again, sounds like a clear commitment to you, his wife. He may be realizing how this has hurt you. If it's not a problem this will be the end of it, but if the contact continues, it does sound like it is more of a problem, and time to take a closer look at what underlies his behavior.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's healthy that you have shared how you feel with your husband, vs. overlook your emotions, or deny how this makes you feel. It sounds like, because you were forthcoming in how you feel, he has taken notice, and is validating how you feel. He may realize he has way too much to lose, entering a "danger" zone, with another women, even if it was purely "friendship". If this woman continues to e mail your husband, it is important that he set clear boundaries with her, as a way to respect you. It's important that you have support, someone to share your emotions with, such as a friend (female right?), to process the anger and betrayal you feel.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Let me know if there was a specific question you wanted me to assist you with, and or other comments you may have regarding what I posted. Thank you for your post. I look forward to corresponding with you when you are back on line.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Please continue to ask questions until you are satisfied with the information I have provided you- I want to be sure you find what you need, and that I provide you with the best service.

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