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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1691
Experience:  Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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Dear Dr. Keane, (live chat) What is the best way

Resolved Question:

Dear Dr. Keane, (live chat) What is the best way to deal with criticism that is directed in order to hurt and when it is irrelevent to any subject that actually matters? I've just been feeling really down about it and I know I probably shouldn't have let a couple of people get to me, and I hadn't to begin with, but they seemed to have now. Hope to catch up with you soon.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 1 year ago.

Dr.Keane :

Hi, sorry I missed you again, I tried to be here when you were online. Is the criticism delivered straight forward or is it implied comments, passively. If you give me an example we can walk through it. It could be your interpretation, especially if the person is someone who "gets to you" now and didn't before. Could depend on a lot of variables.

Customer:

Sorry, I temporarily lost internet connection.

Customer:

I have a visitor just now, unexpectedly. I'll try again over the weekend.

Customer:

I'll get back to you with an example then.

Customer:

The criticism seems to be focussed around if I have an opinion or cannot make a meeting. This by the way is not paid work and it's supposed to be fun. There are times when I cannot make every meeting if for example I'm working or have an appointment of sorts. I get criticised for it. There are of course people who also have time away and some much more than me but that seems to be okay for some reason. I just recently informed them that I wasn't going to make the next 2 meetings once finding out when they were. I got told that apparently I "know fine well when they were". I thought at the time that I should check because I really wasn't sure as there was talk of a possible change.

Customer:

I recently happened to of had some reasonable reason to voice my opinion about something. Everyone does at onepoint or another. Some more than others. I don't do it too much but apparently I'm in danger of being looked upon as over-bearing to some. Someone wanted an opinion on something, so I decided to give it. My work had also been commented on and I took the point but also disagreed with the point that was being made......A while ago I offered to do something for the group and I was completely overlooked and a much, much older member went ahead with it. I had been wondering why I hadn't heard back from anyone.......I am considering not seeing the local project through and just leaving. There are times when I wonder if that's what they'd like anyway, after all someone else was "pushed" out for daring to have an opinion that may have been at odds with some others, but not everyone, and it was the strongest member of the group that a lot of people seemed to look up to even though she provoked bad feelings towards this one person, who they claimed to have liked and were sad to see go.

Customer:

Sorry, I've probably rambled on a bit. I've felt a bit rubbish this week. There have been times when I've done what's needed to be done and then walked away and got on with the rest of the week no matter what, but now it's starting to really get to me.

Customer:

Thank you for saying that we can walk through it. You see I did try telling my mum and as much as she's a good person she didn't want to hear it and so I'll admit I have let feelings build on this one.

Customer:

Oh one other point, the "overbearing" comment I said about earlier was beca

Customer:

because I had said that I wouldn't be at the meeting and explained why. Everyone gives their reasons, or most people do anyway. To me it all seems like one rule for some and another for others.

Customer:

I hope you're having a good weekend. Today we've had hail and rain and now thunder but will hopefully be back online later, I'll try for 8pm again...Internet seems to be working better again. I hope to chat about this soon.

Customer:

8pm my time that is (3pm your time) or I can try on Sunday when I can be here from 11am your time if that's better or Monday.

Customer:

I can be online now for awhile.

Customer:

Anyway I look forward to your thoughts....You see, this is an issue I have let go on for quite some months. I have felt my self-esteem lower in recent days.

Customer:

Things escalated today so more thinking of resigning from this particular group, escalated because I happened to dare to have a difference of opinion. I used to think it was okay to have differences but still work together as it was only a suggestion to make something better for the group rather than starting something from scratch. That was all I said and then came a direct comment saying I was suddenly egotisitical. I don't think I have much of an ego at all, not when it's everyone else's interests I've been looking after. So, that comment too has made me feel upset.

Customer:

I should add that I've since discovered that it isn't just me, although mainly me that some individuals are targeting, although mainly me since someone else left for similar reasons, basically for stating an observation, which was valid that didn't go along with some of the other thoughts. Hence why my thoughts have turned more to handing a resignation, hence, if we can walk through that too, that would be helpful.

Customer:

Hi

Customer:

I hope you've had a good weekend. I also hope that your dog was okay throughout the storms too. Random I know, but was just thinking about that the other day.

Customer:

I know I could have written the post better, it was just as things happened and as and when I got chance to be on the internet. It was a busy weekend.

Dr.Keane :

Hi, sorry to have missed you this weekend. My interpretation of your situation is that there is a strong part of the group that are pretty set in their ways, and their "leader" sounds as though they have lot of power in this group. They do not like anyone other then themselves having opinions. Bullying of sorts, anyone who doesn't agree with them is a target. You said someone else was pushed out and now you may be their target. If this is a volunteer position you might want to think about resigning. After all the hard work you do you deserve to be treated as an equal and your opinions viewed as valuable, they don't have to agree with every opinion but you should not be admonished or made to feel badly. Don't think this just happens , whoever is the "strongest member" has an agenda and if it isn't her way then she will make sure the person who disagrees or she feels is threat (like a good idea that wasn't hers) will be bullied. Most of us at one time or another have been involved in situation such as this. I have been part of one or two groups where the "leaders" believe it is their way and strongly dictate how it's run and did not listen to suggestions made by others except a small "band" of members, the "elite" of the group. I did not last long, quit once I saw the dynamics at play. Happens all the time so don't feel it is you. Find another cause or start your own!

Customer:

That's ok, busy time I guess.

Customer:

yes I get the feeling that ther person who is the leader has their own agenda, after all she tried to and succeeded to get rid of the previous one.

Customer:

I am sorry to hear that you have also had a similar situation.

Dr.Keane :

I will say that if a person commits to a group and then can't make meetings they should rethink their commitment . Missing one once in a while is fine.

Customer:

indeed!

Customer:

you see I hardly missed any and yet they treated the people who missed a lot for several weeks at a time better than they treated me.

Customer:

I think over the next couple of meetings that was going to be the first time I'd have missed two in a row after being in the group for many many months, probably been over a year.

Dr.Keane :

Don't be sorry, I realize the dynamics of a "group" situation. The intensity of and sense of "importance" of a few can be threatened by someone who has good ideas but isn't part of the inner circle. Like I said before, you don't deserve to be treated this way. Why would you subject yourself to this treatment?

Customer:

As I think I may have said, I'm now much more thinking of leaving the group altogether.

Customer:

I have had enough of that sort of treatment now. I thought I could stick it out a bit longer but some days last week I just felt so low, like old feelings were re-emerging and that's not good.

Customer:

I feel too that I don't deserve to be treated how I have been.

Dr.Keane :

I would give it some thought and to me it doesn't sound like a bad idea. Once it starts affecting how you feel about yourself and you are recognizing some of the signs already, it may be time for change. Once you realized that this situation is one that brings up those "old feelings" that is a red flag telling you make a change, you are not going to subject yourself to being "bullied" by a few. Too bad for the organization but you come first.

Customer:

I hate to say this but I have 5 minutes and then I have to go back to work.

Dr.Keane :

I have to go five minutes ago.....lol

Customer:

lol

Dr.Keane :

but didn't want to rush since we have missed connections of late

Customer:

thank you so much for giving me your time

Customer:

even though it means you're a bit late.

Dr.Keane :

why don't you think about the specifics of resigning, keep it simple, don't go into a long explanation and don't give much notice either. We can talk about that later.

Dr.Keane :

what kind of group is this?

Customer:

ok I will have a think about that and get back to you.....It's all quite self-serving for a lot of them as it's to do with writing

Customer:

even though it could have changed and got a bit bigger with doing some community work in it too as one of my employers gave us that opportunity but no one liked that idea.

Dr.Keane :

oh too bad, I know how you like your writing groups.

Dr.Keane :

well think about it, you can find another group or start your own..think we both need to run about now. I'll talk to you later in the week. Have a good day...

Customer:

so we do. Talk to you soon

Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1691
Experience: Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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