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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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I would like to know how to stop getting in my own way. I

Resolved Question:

I would like to know how to stop getting in my own way. I seem to sabotaging myself. For example staying up late even when I have written out a dailey routine, which then makes me too tired to take advantage of the oppurtunites I have created for myslef after working hard to create then in the first place. How can I stop this happening?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, I am available to assist you- Welcome!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You describe a common "human" struggle. We know what the "success" looks like, but get in our own way.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

One school of thought in this is that we are afraid of the "success" vs. the failure. We on some level are not sure we deserve the good stuff- or fail to avoid a fall. The thing we most fear we tend to create- there's something to think on for a bit.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

An example of this- one gets into a relationship, fears the rejection, or abandonment. Because of the focus on the fear one may sabotage the relationship by being mistrusting, suspicious, clingy. Does that make sense?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It sounds like you start out with excellent intentions in the way you plan a daily routine, read the self help books, talking to a psychologist etc.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello- do you want to join the live chat?

Customer:

Hi yes I do. was trying to add below but you had already started replying.


Also I had a highly disfuctional childhood you name it I probably went through it so I don't see the use in going over my past looking for the exact problem as I'll be looking forever! I can change the past & have looked there time & time again. My whole childhood has left me with a few problems as standerd such as not having any friends no boyfriend, I have no mental issues such as deppression etc but I am aware I have some flaws but hey nobody is perfect but this self sabotage thingy is very frustrating. As I know what I need to do but the botXXXXX XXXXXne is I just don't do it. For example I'm pursuing a singing career so make an evening free somhow waist the time doing anything other than songwriting, then stay up ruining the next day and so the cycle continues.


 


I don't get it how can I get in the way of something I absolutly dream of doing everyday?

Customer:

Yes I understand what you mentioned

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Thank you for joining me. Solution focused therapy is something you may find interesting- focus on the solution vs. the problem. Not that you need to focus on the past and problems- but that is where some of the origin typically lies.

Customer:

Yes I know it will stem from the past but there is just two much to fix!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

With solution focused therapy we ask a client: "If you went to bed tonight and some miracle happened and things were as you wanted them to be, being truly happy and content, what exactly would that look like?"

Customer:

I had brief therapy counselling aroung 18 & it was helpfull at the time

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are on the right track with the schedule, structure, etc. that you put into place. Be really specific about what you would be doing if you were "happy" get up at a certain time, work out, .etc. Something you may consider is writing yourself a letter- inner child work.

Customer:

but when something heavy happened & I tried it again it didn't

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Writing a letter to that child who was hurt, telling her it's time to let go, move on, she deserves the good stuff etc.

Customer:

ok sounds coiencidental as just the other day I was telling my daughter to write a goodbye letter to her rabbit that died about 2 years ago

Customer:

I changed my name to move on from the past also

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes- a good bye letter- wow- You can thank that girl from the past for helping you survive what you had to- but it's time to put that away- really encourage and validate that "child" that was hurt. When the counseling didn't work- some part that needs healing is holding you back.

Customer:

ok

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Use your old name in a letter because you are entering a new chapter in your life- that inner child wants you to validate her, love her, accept her.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Because you changed your name- is that old part of you saying "hey wait a minute, you can't just put me aside".

Customer:

ok thats makes sense as am on the verge of this new exciting life and really want to explore it

Jean N/20pluscounts :

First heal her and then let her go, or bring her along with you- healed. You got through a lot and did the best you could- a survivor.

Customer:

I always wanted to be a singer but had my kid at 15 & at 22-23 really tried to purse it but kept thinking i'm too old now I'm much older but some oppurtunites are right there and I'm worried I'm going to miss them again

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Another way to do the inner child stuff- picture yourself walking in a room and you as a child are sitting on a bed- what does the child need- a hug, an "it will be okay", "you are good no matter what happened". This can be very emotional, maybe something you prepare yourself to do first.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You deserve those things- that is where your true happiness lies- believe it!

Customer:

ok

Jean N/20pluscounts :

When you hear the doubt- tell yourself- oh ya that's that old part of me that need the encouragement, validation etc.

Customer:

is this type of thing a comon problem or just a silly one because it seems like there is no middle ground in the world. like your either really mental or your fine because your older now & that's that

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Very common, very human- lots of it- is old tapes from the past we play and replay in our head. Putting encouraging messages, notes around your home is good too- corny, but good. Placing pictures of things that show your passion can inspire you. A story board where you find pictures and make a collage of what you want in your life.

Customer:

ok like the secret stuff

Customer:

if your familiar with that book

Customer:

do you know how long it should take to re train the brain so I can be disaplined

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I do believe the letter, or the child on the bed can help a lot. You can include anything on your collage- no limit. Not familiar with that one- is that the title- sounds like one I would like.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Practice is what makes the change.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

We can re wire our brains. Lots of good brain research out there about this.

Customer:

yes The Secret great book

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Thank you for that title- I appreciate that.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You may have to get the book back out lol

Customer:

it helped me get to where I am it's all about the law of attraction

Customer:

read it in 2006 so maybe worth another visit I'm always giving it to my personal training clients

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You may want to reconsider counseling- it typically doesn't hurt- maybe this time you are ready. Law of attraction- I like the idea of putting the intention of what you want from the universe- out there.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You could write an awesome song about this!!!

Customer:

yes probably lol. ok the only problem is the funds for regular counselling my daughter costs so much

Customer:

she does tution clubs etc etc

Jean N/20pluscounts :

The best writing comes from that place deep within- maybe the child within could help you write a good one.

Customer:

so books, cd cost effective online things are the only option

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes counseling can be a big expense- too bad- huh- we all need good support. Children do cost lots.

Customer:

yes we do so I simply have to toughen up & get over it

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It is exciting what opportunities lie before you- wow- there for the taking- You sound like you have good things in your life- on a good path- If it were so easy- "get over it" I'm quite sure I would not have a job as a therapist!!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

We are very busy in the clinic- waiting lists to get in....

Customer:

lol

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's human to struggle!

Customer:

whats sensible structure to have to deal with the stuggles I'm tiered of being alone

Customer:

when I was younger my teen rage kept me going

Customer:

striding to be indipendant but now I'm just fed up with killing the spiders, cutting the grass, working, mothering etc etc

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Identify those things you are doing right- check out the info on line about positive psychology- you tube may have some videos about this. Being alone may be part of the obstacle- we need support- we are mammals we need other mammals to "keep us warm", swim in schools. Life can get monotonous.

Customer:

does the fact that I have purely giving roles have anything to do with it?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Your soul is screaming to live, grow, be heard. Do you mean the roles society defines for us- then yes.

Customer:

mothering, Personal fitness training

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm still trying to figure out who "they" are. The ones who have defined what our life is suppose to look like.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It may mean giving you a place vs. the roles we take on.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You may be able to tap into this with the inner child work.

Customer:

ok I remeber the psychologist tried to get me to do some of that but I didn't like one of the books she told me to read as it was about the past

Customer:

with my issue

Customer:

is it like there is a correct way to fix it sort of thing

Customer:

like when my clients want to lose weight if they don't do what I'm saying it wont work

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You sound like you have a good spirit, good energy, spunky. Channel that energy into those steps towards the goals you have. Stare that in the face- the past- and give it a place- to be heard- in order to give it less power- calm it's voice.

Customer:

like there are various ways to lose weight but it all bolis down to the same thing if you get my metaphor

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Wow weight loss is an excellent example of self sabotage right! You see this all the time. Is it that they don't want it or they think they don't deserve it? We as humans tend to air on the side of negative- an old brain that prepares for the worst.

Customer:

It's is like I can't allow myself to be happy like I'll read an article from the bottem up just to make life harder for myself or record my favourite shows but don't watch the most fav ones until there about or need to be deleted

Customer:

this seems such a crazy & unattractive way to live

Jean N/20pluscounts :

To re cap- consider the letter to self, child on bed, check out the positive psychology stuff- builds on one's strengths. Motivation, validation, praise tends to work when we give it to others as well as our self. We are what we "eat".

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Rather than tell yourself your are not doing it right, or good enough, or ruining things for yourself- how about you are doing good enough- that may push you further onto the track of success- encourage- focus on what you are doing right.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's almost like we need a "buddy" in life- someone to do this stuff with- a coach for one another- the buddy system so to say.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

If a good friend or your daughter came to you with the struggles you describe- what would you tell her?

Customer:

is that what a relationship should be about (not to vear onto another subject)

Customer:

I'd have to think about that

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Pretty sure we would tell our friend they are doing things well, not to be so hard on them self etc. We would likely nurture, praise, encourage, because that works.

Customer:

yes probably but I would be inclined to say also toughen up

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Be more aware of the messages you are feeding yourself- and work towards improving your diet- right!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes as a couch it's a combo of praise and challenge

Customer:

yes I understand

Customer:

yes it is but praise is defo more effective

Jean N/20pluscounts :

We know this stuff- right- but back to where you started right- get in own way- move the hey out of the way.

Customer:

lol yes. I'll look into inner child stuff it worth reading up on it or should writing a letter suffice

Jean N/20pluscounts :

A coach not a couch- sorry- my couch tells be nothin.

Customer:

lol I understood

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes read up on it- author Bradshaw, can't recall first name is XXXXX XXXXX child work- healing the child within- something like that.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Let me know if I can help you again. Did you have any other comments or questions?

Customer:

is the inner child work a highly succesful way of stopping the sabotage

Customer:

probably a daft question but I mean is it a kind of might work for you thing

Customer:

as I no were not all the same

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'd say it's more about the intention- healing is successful for sure- it's the child within who is afraid, doubts...

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Take a look at it- if it speaks to you look further into it.

Customer:

ok can't think of anything else right now

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's a good way of tapping into the "self getting in the way" healing the self that gets in the way.

Customer:

is that the same as something I've heard about diffrent inner characters

Customer:

dominant personalities & such like

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Similar but different- I would say- like many parts of self. It was nice chatting with you- thank you. If you'd be so kind to rate my answer okay or higher so I can get credit- would be greatly appreciated!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Please let me know if I can help again

Customer:

ok thanks

Jean N/20pluscounts :

My pleasure- take care!

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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