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Ask Eleanor
Ask Eleanor, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience:  Marriage & Family Therapist/Prof. Counselor for 20 years
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I just recently figured out that I am lesbian and I spoke about

Resolved Question:

I just recently figured out that I am lesbian and I spoke about it with my therapist a bit. I also told her that I have been watching porn. She has been non-judgmental. I am finding that I am being judgmental about myself. I feel like I am two different people living in one body, one trying to be good and then when I am alone, I am having evil thoughts...is this normal?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 1 year ago.

Ask Eleanor :

Hello, I am here for you and am happy to respond. Give me a moment to carefully read over and consider your question.

Ask Eleanor :

Sorry to hear that you are judging yourself so harshly. Being a lesbian is nothing to be ashamed of. What eveil thoughts are you having?

Customer: I have 'chatted' with others in your field on just answer but had to change my credit card and so my full history is likely not available to you. I think it would have been helpful.
Customer: Things like just watching porn
Ask Eleanor :

Lesbian porn?

Customer: I am a nurse in a personal care home and I have swings in my mood
Customer: I try not to let them surface
Customer: But I have gotten very frustrated with some of my coworkers
Ask Eleanor :

Are you Bi-Polar?

Customer: I watch all types just trying to figure out what my sexual orientation might be...I am finding porn to be quite bland
Customer: I had a boyfriend, sort of, for about ten years but that really was a lousy relationship.
Customer: I found I am not at all attracted to men.
Customer: I have a history of some childhood sexual inappropriate stuff that happened to me and come from a strict catholic background
Ask Eleanor :

Oh, I see. So do you feel that sex and porn are evil?

Customer: The boyfriend was an experiment to see how that might go...met him on a chat line...
Customer: Pall the men were gross really
Customer: All
Customer: I don't feel I am together enough to explain myself properly
Customer: Yes is the answer to your question
Ask Eleanor :

That's okay. Lets get back to your question. You asked if having evil thoughts was normal. Can your describe in more detail the evil thoughts you are having so that I can give you my best answer.

Customer: No, not bi-polar
Ask Eleanor :

Sex and porn are not evil!!!

Customer: I am getting so frustrated at trying to overcome this depression
Customer: I think about dying a lot
Ask Eleanor :

Are you suicidal?

Customer: Not really caring what it would mean to others at times and other times know I would not do myself harm because it would be hard on my family
Customer: At work I have a lot of patience with the seniors I work with, and other times feel burned out and in my mind would like to tell them something hurtful
Ask Eleanor :

Good that you are not suicidal.

Customer: I believe sex and porn are evil
Ask Eleanor :

It is not evil to have thoughts of telling the seniors something hurtful. We all have feelings like that. The key is that we do not act on our thoughts.

Ask Eleanor :

Sex and porn are not evil. We can choose to use them for good or evil, however.

Ask Eleanor :

Are you in ongoing psychotherapy?

Customer: In my frustration, earlier this year, I came across a nest of baby rabbits...I went and got my spade and used the sharp edge to cut them up...cut up a couple of them but the squeaking made me worried that I might be caught...so I threw it all in a garbage bag and set it out for garbage collection day
Customer: I told my therapist
Customer: She was concerned that I might hurt myself at that time but I remember smiling and reassuring her that I would not...
Customer: That is an example of my two sides
Ask Eleanor :

Good that you shared this with your therapist. How often do you see her?

Customer: My insurance covers two more appointments for this year.
Customer: I see her in just over two weeks
Customer: I saw her two weeks ago
Customer: I didn't share with her about the two sides of me
Customer: I worry that she may think I am playing games
Ask Eleanor :

And are you worried about not being able to see her once your insurance runs out for the year?

Customer: Talking depressed sometimes and smiling others
Customer: My insurance coverage starts again in January...for 12 more sessions as long as I am working
Ask Eleanor :

Have you talked with your therapist about finding a way for you to see her more often at an affordable fee?

Customer: She works for Blue Cross employee assistance. She does not have her own private practice
Customer: I guess you are telling me to just talk with her
Ask Eleanor :

I see. How long have you been in therapy with her?

Customer: I was afraid that when my question history disappeared from Just Answer that would overwhelm you with stuff trying to explain myself
Customer: I've seen her for a year and a half
Ask Eleanor :

You are fine; I am not overwhelmed.

Ask Eleanor :

That's good!

Customer: Can it be that I am not really lesbian?
Customer: People at work have labelled me as lesbian
Ask Eleanor :

Yes, that is possible.

Customer: I resented that but now I believe I really am
Customer: Can I do something about it to change?
Ask Eleanor :

Only you know your sexual orientation.

Customer: It seems so all important in this day and age
Ask Eleanor :

No, we cannot change our sexual orientation, we are born with it>

Customer: I am told to try to socialize more but the topic, even if unspoken seems to be looming out there
Customer: Of sexual orientation
Customer: I don't know how to talk with people
Ask Eleanor :

Well, just get interested in them and that will take your mind off yourself.

Customer: I have been approached by people wanting to fix me up with others, and I bolted
Ask Eleanor :

That is understandable. Just thank them and tell them that you are not ready for a relationship right now.

Customer: Iwhen people want to get closer and know more about me, I have to stay isolated
Customer: Otherwise, I feel I must explain or they will come up with their own conclusions about me
Customer: I don't know what to say to them and this is so frustrating
Customer: I have kept myself isolated for all these years
Customer: I am told that I need to socialize more but to what end
Ask Eleanor :

You are certainly dealing with a lot. I believe that you need to be in therapy once a week to work on these issues. Therapy will help you with these social issues. I know that you have seen your therapist for a long time, but it may be time to find someone who can see you weekly that you can afford. Many therapists offer a sliding scale fee for their clients who cannot afford their full fee.

Ask Eleanor :

I don't believe you are ready to socialize yet.

Customer: I am feeling burned out at work and in therapy
Ask Eleanor :

That is why it would be a good idea to find a therapist who is not associated with your work.

Customer: I want to sleep to escape
Customer: She is not associated with work other than with the insurance plan that is provided
Ask Eleanor :

That is because of your depression.

Ask Eleanor :

Then talk with her about seeing you more often; she has an ethical responsibility to work with you. I am leaving the site in five minutes. Do you have another question for me?

Customer: The shrink that I saw for the assessment suggested two therapists with their own businesses . They use CBT
Customer: can you explain what that is in a way I can understand?
Ask Eleanor :

CBT would be great!!! CBT teaches you skills that will help you be able to function better and elimiate your anxious thoughts.

Ask Eleanor :

I highly recommend that you make an appt with the therapist your psychiatrist suggested. Anything further for me?

Customer: No. Thanks
Ask Eleanor :

You are most welcome. My pleasure to chat with you. Please remember to submit a positive rating for my answer. To request me for a future question, simply put "Ask Eleanor" at the beginning. I wish you healing, take care, Eleanor

Ask Eleanor, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience: Marriage & Family Therapist/Prof. Counselor for 20 years
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