Hello, I am here for you and am happy to respond. Give me a moment to carefully read over and consider your question.
also my nanny used penetration
I am very sorry to hear that you were sexually abused by your mother and nanny when you were a little girl. I have been practicing psychotherapy for 20 years and have worked with many women who were victims of childhood sexual abuse. Yes, your feelings of despair are very normal.
When did you read The Courage to Heal, was this recently?
I am reading it right now
with my therapist
And how long have you been in therapy?
I am mostly wondering does the fact that I dont find sex like a fun expirience due to my trauma and does the fact that I dont fing penis cute make me a lesbian mostly I am scared of penetration cause I think something is going to explote
I dont think it matters how long I have been in therapy
again my nanny used penetration and it hurt it still does
Absolutely, your negative feelings about sex are definitely due to the trauma of your sexual abuse. And no, the fact that you do not find a penis attractive does not make you a lesbian! You are afraid of penetration because the only penetration you know was the abuse by your nanny.
So sex still hurts?
I have never had sex at 22 and have never seen a penis in my life this is not normal I understand
I stated that before
You said that the penetration from your nanny still hurts. Do you mean emotionally or physically?
it devastated me it still does
and I am here today wondering about my sexual orientation
Yes, and you have really just begun to deal with your deep feelings about the abuse.
which is not fair everythig should have been normal
You need to heal in therapy before you can know your true sexual orientation. And, you are right, it is not fair at all.
But I believe you will heal if you continue with your therapy. It will take time, but you will be able to have a normal sex life.
I really want a guy I want to get married have kids and be happy
Then you will!!
I am really ashamed of the fact that I used to watch lesbian porn as a kid
does that make me gay taking in to account everything that happened?
That was not your fault, just as the abuse was not your fault. NO, that does not make you gay! We are born with our sexual orientation. Watching lesbian porn as a child would not have made you gay.
then I am afraid I was born gay
since I dont find penis "cute"
That is because of your trauma, not because your were born gay.
are you sure because I was fine but after dealing with this I am full of questions
its not normal this is not normal what happened isnt normal
Once you heal in therapy from your sexual abuse, I believe you will be a healthy functioning heterosexual female.
you are just saying that to make me feel better
I think my therapist doubts it aka I doubt it
No, that is my professional opinion from my 20 years of experience.
Is your therapist female or male?
And why do you feel she doubts you are not a lesbian?
because I doubt it and that is the core issue
Have you dealt with your feelings toward your mother and nanny, particularly your anger?
I want to deal with the core issue please dont change the subject
Well, I asked because I believe that the core issue is dealing with your feelings. After you have done this your sexuality will become clear. And from the information you have given me, I believe that you are not a lesbian.
I think I am are more mad at myself how this has shapped me and affected me
how this creates me
Yes, victims often blame themselves, but it is not your fault! You were a child and your mother and nanny sexually violated you. Someone left lesbian porn around for you to see. Children are curious and any child would have looked at it.
So you will need to get in touch with your anger at your mother.
no one left it I searched for it
I forgave my mother and I have even forgave my nanny
I am a very forgiving and understandable person
Even if you searched, it should not have been left where you could find it. Did you express your anger toward them before you forgave them?
I searched it online which is not the same
yes I have dealt with the anger I rarely get angry
I see. How old were you when you searched online for the porn?
plus I once wrote an essay on how my mom sexually abused me and I wrote frequently did I like it cause I know you did wich is just me putting myself as a reflection of my mother aka my mother was me on the essay
age is nothing but a number my therapist tells me
It is clear to me that you are certainly despairing and I am very, very sorry. Despair is normal, but you cannot get stuck there. Do you want to get well, have a normal sex life?
thats an obvious question
and an obvious statement
I ask because you must let go of the sexual orientation issue and focus in your therapy on your feelings if you want to heal. This may be what your therapist is trying to get you to do.
The Courage to Heal is a wonderful book and the fact that you a reading it with your therapist is wonderful. If you can let go and let your therapy happen, you will get well.
I think you are focusing on the sexual orientation issues to keep from dealing with you deepest feelings.
I know it is hard to trust, to be vulnerable, but that is what will heal you.
thats a good assumption
cause that way I get to be mad at myself
Yes, I knew that you were very insightful!
but it sucks
it really sucks and hurts and makes me worried all the time
but if she hadnt asked me what was I scared of and I said penis
Yes, I know it sucks. But have courage and continue your therapy even though it hurts and you will get better.
and then I told her I didnt taught of a penis as something cute
Well you were honest, good for you!
That would not make me think you are gay, only very traumatized.
are you sure?
I am leaving the site soon for the night. Do you have any further questions I can answer for you?
cause I was wondering ALL day long if I was gay why do I feel nervous around guys why do I feel the sparks why do I like kissing them
will I be alright?
You like kissing guys and feel sparks around them?
will I get a husband who understands?
yes I do I have never kissed a girl
Then you are definitely not gay! I am certain of that. And yes you will be alright and have a husband who understand if you continue to heal in therapy.
Anything further for me?
but I told my therapist that if I was gay it was okay cause I have friend who are gay and I am more than alright I am afraid she thinks my friends are me
Then talk with her about all of the at your next appt.
I really dont want to
thats why I am here
I understand, but it is very important that you talk with your therapist. You may not be ready yet, so give yourself some time.
plus if I showed I am worried then she will assume there is a deeper issue
or that I am in fact gay
I would not make assumptions. Just talk with her when your are ready. I am leaving the site in five minutes. Do you have any other questions?
plus I have showed her before that I am really worried no more questions just please tell me again what you told about how I am just dealing with my sexual orientation to hide my feelings
what about being bisexual? do therapist believe in it?
Okay. It's called resistance. To keep from dealing with the real issue (your true feelings toward your mother) you are totally focusing on your sexual orientation. Yes, therapists believe in people being b-sexual. I do not believe you are gay or bi-sexual!!
I would be fine if I am bi there is nothing wrong with that is just that I really picture myself with a man
I must leave now for the night. If you are satisfied with my answers, please submit a positive rating for my work. I wish you healing and a normal sex life with a husband who loves and understands you and wonderful children. I will happen! Take care, Eleanor
You are very welcome! Good night