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Ask Eleanor
Ask Eleanor, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience:  Marriage & Family Therapist/Prof. Counselor for 20 years
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Hello I am in this big dilema I was sexually abused by my mom

Resolved Question:

Hello I am in this big dilema I was sexually abused by my mom when I was six and sexually abused by penetration by my nanny countless time of course I have grown up scared and terrified of sex I wasnt aware of this abuse until the memories started intruding me and by reading the courage to heal all the memories have come back into my mind I am 22 and since I was 14 till 17 with some space in between I was obceseses with lesbian pornography this makes me very ashamed and today I understand why and the cause at 22 although I have dated and kissed many guys I have always avoided an intimate relationship either sexual or emotional last week I had a talk with my doctor and the conclusion was that I dont think penis are cute and that as stated before I am scared of sex because I think that if anything either a finger object or penis comes inside my vagaina it is going to explote is this normal also she said that many victims of same sex sexual abuse wonder if they are gay I personally dont imagine my self having sex with a woman and I think there isnt anything wrong with being gay I will be fine is the feeling of despair normal when dealing with sexual abuse?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 1 year ago.

Ask Eleanor :

Hello, I am here for you and am happy to respond. Give me a moment to carefully read over and consider your question.

Customer:

also my nanny used penetration

Ask Eleanor :

I am very sorry to hear that you were sexually abused by your mother and nanny when you were a little girl. I have been practicing psychotherapy for 20 years and have worked with many women who were victims of childhood sexual abuse. Yes, your feelings of despair are very normal.

Ask Eleanor :

When did you read The Courage to Heal, was this recently?

Customer:

I am reading it right now

Customer:

with my therapist

Ask Eleanor :

And how long have you been in therapy?

Customer:

I am mostly wondering does the fact that I dont find sex like a fun expirience due to my trauma and does the fact that I dont fing penis cute make me a lesbian mostly I am scared of penetration cause I think something is going to explote

Customer:

I dont think it matters how long I have been in therapy

Customer:

again my nanny used penetration and it hurt it still does

Ask Eleanor :

Absolutely, your negative feelings about sex are definitely due to the trauma of your sexual abuse. And no, the fact that you do not find a penis attractive does not make you a lesbian! You are afraid of penetration because the only penetration you know was the abuse by your nanny.

Ask Eleanor :

So sex still hurts?

Customer:

I have never had sex at 22 and have never seen a penis in my life this is not normal I understand

Customer:

I stated that before

Ask Eleanor :

You said that the penetration from your nanny still hurts. Do you mean emotionally or physically?

Customer:

emotionally

Ask Eleanor :

I understand.

Customer:

it devastated me it still does

Customer:

and I am here today wondering about my sexual orientation

Ask Eleanor :

Yes, and you have really just begun to deal with your deep feelings about the abuse.

Customer:

which is not fair everythig should have been normal

Ask Eleanor :

You need to heal in therapy before you can know your true sexual orientation. And, you are right, it is not fair at all.

Ask Eleanor :

But I believe you will heal if you continue with your therapy. It will take time, but you will be able to have a normal sex life.

Customer:

I really want a guy I want to get married have kids and be happy

Ask Eleanor :

Then you will!!

Customer:

I am really ashamed of the fact that I used to watch lesbian porn as a kid

Customer:

does that make me gay taking in to account everything that happened?

Ask Eleanor :

That was not your fault, just as the abuse was not your fault. NO, that does not make you gay! We are born with our sexual orientation. Watching lesbian porn as a child would not have made you gay.

Customer:

then I am afraid I was born gay

Customer:

since I dont find penis "cute"

Ask Eleanor :

That is because of your trauma, not because your were born gay.

Customer:

are you sure because I was fine but after dealing with this I am full of questions

Customer:

its not normal this is not normal what happened isnt normal

Ask Eleanor :

Once you heal in therapy from your sexual abuse, I believe you will be a healthy functioning heterosexual female.

Customer:

you are just saying that to make me feel better

Customer:

I think my therapist doubts it aka I doubt it

Ask Eleanor :

No, that is my professional opinion from my 20 years of experience.

Ask Eleanor :

Is your therapist female or male?

Customer:

female

Customer:

why?

Ask Eleanor :

And why do you feel she doubts you are not a lesbian?

Customer:

because I doubt it and that is the core issue

Ask Eleanor :

Have you dealt with your feelings toward your mother and nanny, particularly your anger?

Customer:

I want to deal with the core issue please dont change the subject

Ask Eleanor :

Well, I asked because I believe that the core issue is dealing with your feelings. After you have done this your sexuality will become clear. And from the information you have given me, I believe that you are not a lesbian.

Customer:

I think I am are more mad at myself how this has shapped me and affected me

Customer:

how this creates me

Ask Eleanor :

Yes, victims often blame themselves, but it is not your fault! You were a child and your mother and nanny sexually violated you. Someone left lesbian porn around for you to see. Children are curious and any child would have looked at it.

Ask Eleanor :

So you will need to get in touch with your anger at your mother.

Customer:

no one left it I searched for it

Customer:

I forgave my mother and I have even forgave my nanny

Customer:

I am a very forgiving and understandable person

Ask Eleanor :

Even if you searched, it should not have been left where you could find it. Did you express your anger toward them before you forgave them?

Customer:

I searched it online which is not the same

Customer:

yes I have dealt with the anger I rarely get angry

Ask Eleanor :

I see. How old were you when you searched online for the porn?

Customer:

plus I once wrote an essay on how my mom sexually abused me and I wrote frequently did I like it cause I know you did wich is just me putting myself as a reflection of my mother aka my mother was me on the essay

Customer:

age is nothing but a number my therapist tells me

Ask Eleanor :

It is clear to me that you are certainly despairing and I am very, very sorry. Despair is normal, but you cannot get stuck there. Do you want to get well, have a normal sex life?

Customer:

thats an obvious question

Customer:

and an obvious statement

Customer:

......

Ask Eleanor :

I ask because you must let go of the sexual orientation issue and focus in your therapy on your feelings if you want to heal. This may be what your therapist is trying to get you to do.

Ask Eleanor :

The Courage to Heal is a wonderful book and the fact that you a reading it with your therapist is wonderful. If you can let go and let your therapy happen, you will get well.

Ask Eleanor :

I think you are focusing on the sexual orientation issues to keep from dealing with you deepest feelings.

Ask Eleanor :

I know it is hard to trust, to be vulnerable, but that is what will heal you.

Customer:

thats a good assumption

Customer:

cause that way I get to be mad at myself

Ask Eleanor :

Yes, I knew that you were very insightful!

Customer:

but it sucks

Customer:

it really sucks and hurts and makes me worried all the time

Customer:

but if she hadnt asked me what was I scared of and I said penis

Ask Eleanor :

Yes, I know it sucks. But have courage and continue your therapy even though it hurts and you will get better.

Customer:

and then I told her I didnt taught of a penis as something cute

Ask Eleanor :

Well you were honest, good for you!

Ask Eleanor :

That would not make me think you are gay, only very traumatized.

Customer:

are you sure?

Ask Eleanor :

Yes!

Ask Eleanor :

I am leaving the site soon for the night. Do you have any further questions I can answer for you?

Customer:

cause I was wondering ALL day long if I was gay why do I feel nervous around guys why do I feel the sparks why do I like kissing them

Customer:

will I be alright?

Ask Eleanor :

You like kissing guys and feel sparks around them?

Customer:

will I get a husband who understands?

Customer:

yes I do I have never kissed a girl

Ask Eleanor :

Then you are definitely not gay! I am certain of that. And yes you will be alright and have a husband who understand if you continue to heal in therapy.

Ask Eleanor :

Anything further for me?

Customer:

but I told my therapist that if I was gay it was okay cause I have friend who are gay and I am more than alright I am afraid she thinks my friends are me

Ask Eleanor :

Then talk with her about all of the at your next appt.

Customer:

I really dont want to

Customer:

thats why I am here

Ask Eleanor :

I understand, but it is very important that you talk with your therapist. You may not be ready yet, so give yourself some time.

Customer:

plus if I showed I am worried then she will assume there is a deeper issue

Customer:

or that I am in fact gay

Ask Eleanor :

I would not make assumptions. Just talk with her when your are ready. I am leaving the site in five minutes. Do you have any other questions?

Customer:

plus I have showed her before that I am really worried no more questions just please tell me again what you told about how I am just dealing with my sexual orientation to hide my feelings

Customer:

what about being bisexual? do therapist believe in it?

Customer:

?

Ask Eleanor :

Okay. It's called resistance. To keep from dealing with the real issue (your true feelings toward your mother) you are totally focusing on your sexual orientation. Yes, therapists believe in people being b-sexual. I do not believe you are gay or bi-sexual!!

Customer:

I would be fine if I am bi there is nothing wrong with that is just that I really picture myself with a man

Ask Eleanor :

I must leave now for the night. If you are satisfied with my answers, please submit a positive rating for my work. I wish you healing and a normal sex life with a husband who loves and understands you and wonderful children. I will happen! Take care, Eleanor

Customer:

thanks

Ask Eleanor :

You are very welcome! Good night

Ask Eleanor, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience: Marriage & Family Therapist/Prof. Counselor for 20 years
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