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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am 31 and I have only had one girlfriend my whole life. we

Customer Question

I am 31 and I have only had one girlfriend my whole life. we dated for four years. I loved her, she dumped me. I have never had the courage to ask women out, before or after my only relationship. It makes me sick to my stomach, sweat, and have hot flashes when I even think about asking a girl out. My ex was a blind date set up by a family member, and once I was on the date I had no problems talking to her. It's the fear of rejection that gets me. When I am at a bar with all my married friends and they pressure me into asking someone to dance or go out, I get infuriated when get rejected. This is strange because I am very laid back, nothing makes me angry at anything else I do. My ex left me five years ago and I have only seen her three times since then. I seen her Saturday night at a bar, and it ripped me up. I can't believe it made feel the way it did after so long. I feel like I did when she first left. My question is what do I need to do to get over this woman and move on with my life, and how can I overcome this fear of rejection?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

Fear of rejection is a fear that most people have. Everyone wants to feel accepted by others and they do not want to be told they are not part of the group. When it comes to dating, being rejected by the opposite sex can bring about feelings of inadequacy and even make you question your attractiveness.

The fact that asking women out has been a fear of yours all along says that this fear developed sometime during your childhood. It could have been triggered by a poor relationship with your parents, bullying in school or even abuse. Somehow you got the idea that if a woman rejects you it means you are not worthy. Your self image and esteem have become connected to your ability to ask a woman out.

In order to cope with how you feel, it helps to explore where you feel this fear might have started. Getting to the origins and resolving how it came about can have a ripple effect and help you fix how you feel currently about dating.

It also helps to use your imagination to your advantage. Instead of imaging your fear of being rejected, start to think about being accepted. And play out various scenarios in your mind of you being successful.

You can also practice on friends or family (with female relatives/friends). Try asking them on a date and let them either accept or say no. Look at how you react to each one. Keep a journal or even just write down all the feelings you experience. It can help you pinpoint exactly what happens for you when you do face rejection.

Finally, realize that everyone feels bad when rejected. Many people take it hard. In a way, it is a loss and your self esteem does take a hit. But keep in mind, what others think of you does not define who you are. Building your self esteem can help you with that. Here are some resources to help:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/self-esteem-struggles-and-strategies-that-can-help/

The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn R. Schiraldi

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: The Definitive Work on Self-Esteem by the Leading Pioneer in the Field by Nathaniel Branden

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

why am i not over my ex in five years

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

There could be many reasons. Many people have a hard time getting over former relationships because they get stuck in the grieving process or even believe that they should not grieve over a lost relationship. Also, the fact that she rejected you might have triggered those deeper feelings for you and that could make it very hard for you to let go as well.

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Is there anything I can do to help myself let go.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

You can work on your self esteem issues, make sure you are grieving through the loss and keep trying to work on the fear of rejection. Being able to open yourself up to new relationships can help you move on. And if you feel you cannot move on after a few months, consider therapy. It can help you find out what is keeping you in the past.

Kate



May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

thank you for your expertise. I hope you have a great Monday night.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

You're welcome! If you would not mind rating my answer so I am paid for my work I would appreciate it.

Take care,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you! Take care.

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