Thank you for your question. Before providing suggestions, I have a few questions for you. First, other than this issue, please tell me more about your relationship with your husband? when did your relationship first become a problem? What did he say was the reason for him to be in contact with these women?
We have been married for almost 25 years. For the last 12 years, we have fights and misunderstanding and he said that I yelled at him all the time. He lost his job 12 years ago and I am the one working. We have 3 children and all those years, we have pity quarrels and if it's my mistake I always apologize to him. But he was always flooded everyttime I confront him. He said that he was depressed for all these years and never told me. The problem for him that I know started last Sept. before I went on my trip. When I was on the trip < I took my laptop and I saw all the website that he was going into. Then when I come home he said that everybody hates me and he was not happy that I came back. I confronted him and we patch things. After two weeks, I took back my computer from him and I saw that he was really emailing these women and they even have pictures. I confronted him and then told my children. He told me that yes he was doing it because he was annoyed with me. We went to counseling many times and he still not telling the truth about his addiction. He said that he wanted divorce but he never want to file. Then he still conitnues to communicate with them and then this weekend I found out that he was sending money to this chinese girl and I confronted him He said it's only one but then another email that I found out and there are two girls. They are 21 years which almost the age of my children and my husband is 62.
Thank you for your response. I can see how difficult and trying your relationship must be by your description. What would you ideally want to do at this point with your husband?
Do you want to separate, divorce, or try to work things out?
I told him that I am ready to file for divorce and he aid to give him more time. I said ok but he need to take out all these web sites, no more lies and stop sending money.
Although your husband says that he will stop, do you think he will?
Also does he have any other addictions, such as drinking, gambling, etc?
Last night, I told him that I will not file for divorce and give him time to go to his doctor and need to go to the therapist. he said yes. He took out some of the websites but I think he only change his passwords. Is there any treatment for this kind of addiction?
I want to work it out and help him but my children are suffering. They hate him and they lost their respect with their father. My children are 21, 18 and 15.
Yes, there is. First however, your husband should go see a medical doctor to make sure nothing is going on, physically. Sometimes a brain injury or early-onset dementia can help explain your husband's beavior
once he is checked out medically, your husband should see a psychologist (not a master's level therapist) to explore you husband's core issues that is causing him distress,
there are many reasons why your husband is seeking out Asian women...possibilities include past life experiences that affected him that he needs to resolve through his contact with these women or the addiction may be filling a void he has been experiencing quite sometime.
I don't know. Last Oct.. 2 he said that he will not do it anymore. After two weeks I caught him again still doing and then last Wed. I talked to him that we will worked it out and then last Friday night I found out that he was sending money to these girls last Thurs. and Friday. He said that I will not trust him anymore. He also said that he will not trust me because I found out all his email and passwords. No he does not have anyother adddictions. He is a quiet person and he does not have friends. The only person that talk to him is hi mother. He is a mama's boy.
Whatever the meaning behind his behaviors, he needs to get help. Change will not happen, unless he wants to change.
My fear is that he may be promising you things that he will not keep. If you separate from him temporarily, this may prompt him to want to change
Have you considered going to a support group, yourself?
I know this is causing you a lot of stress
He was married to a japanese before and they divorced after 8 years. Then he married me a Filipino and we will have our 25th anniversary next March.
He has a fetish for asian women. He even put his name on a dating site for japanese women telling them that he is divorce and looking for 18-60 years old.
I see... he is fulfilling something (that he is not aware about) with his current behaviors.
Yes, please have him go see his doctor and a psychologist.
if he doesn't go, I believe you know what you need to do regarding the relationship.
Do you have any other questions?
He wants to see the doctor first and then the counselor. Our second child was not talking to him for more than a month now and she was really hurt. So last night , I told her to talk to him tell him everything that she is feeling and wow, she really give him a piece of her mind. I think my husband was hurting when she was not talking to him. So I think he was thinking. Then I am so bad too because I am pushing him and mentioning it everyday to him. He ask me to give him time and not to talk to the children about this. I am giving him time but every time I think about what he did, I felt nervous and can not breath.
What should I do to help him with his addiction?
Yes, I would urge you not to tell your kids about this as well as you and your husband are suffering. I urge you to find yourself your own help as well as self-care is important.
For his addiction, please get him to the doctors first, then a psychologist. If you feel comfortable, I can find you a referral if you inform me what city and state you are writing from
please. I don't know anybody as a psychologist. We live in San JOse, Ca
Please give me two minutes and I will find you one
For the meantime, what will I do to cope up with these problems.
What is your zip code so that I can find someone near you
Here is a referral:
Any other questions?
Thank you Brad. I really appreciate your help.