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Dr. Olsen
Dr. Olsen, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2336
Experience:  PsyD Psychologist
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I am a non-dependent married woman and I lack the ability to

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I am a non-dependent married woman and I lack the ability to express tenderness to my husband, who enjoys affection. what can I do to learn to give my husband affection?
Hi there
Thank you for writing in here.
Let me ask you a few questions before I offer an answer:
When did this problem start?
Could you explain your situation a little more?
Please let me know if you have a chance
Best regards,
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

It has only recently been brought to my attention, last night. I am in my 5th marriage. The first 2 were beaters and the fathers of my 2 daughters, one from each husband. I was affectionate, as I recall, before the fighting and beatings. I lived as a single mother for 11 years. Then I met my third husband, he was 10 years my senior. When he tried to dominate me, I ended that marriage only after 3 years. The fourth marriage was to a man who pretended to be a christian when in reality, he was an abuser.of drugs and alcohol. That marriage lasted 5 years. My current husband is a good man but I believe he suffers from insecurities I do not understand.

Hi there
Thank you for your reply.
I was offline all day.

Okay. You stated your current husband suffers from insecurities.
Does he have anxiety or self esteem issues?
Does he tell you he wants more affection from you?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

He has self esteem issues. He has not asked me to be more affection from me but he responds to affection from other women. I went thru menopause and lost my sex drive. Although we had sex it was not often enough for him. For 7 months he sought out a sexual relationships with other women (without my knowledge). He started a sexual relationship with our next door neighbor. They met in our home while I was at work. This went on for 5 months until I discovered the affair.We have decided to work out the problem and stay together. I still have trust issues with him to this day. The affair was this year May thru Sept. I love my husband and want to work thru this.

Thank you for your reply.
I'll be back with my answer soon.
Hi there
Thank you for waiting.

Your husband may need to rekindle your marriage and love as you may be losing passion for him. Well, I have to say your husband's past affair may contribute to your feelings.
It sounds like you have forgiven him and wants to work through issues in your marriage.
Marriage counseling may be helpful.
If you and your husband can afford time, marriage therapy may help you to discuss and resolve any issue.
To find a marriage/couple therapist, you can call your insurance company and get a list of providers in your area.
Or, you can search a licensed psychotherapist on internet- such as the PSYCHOLOGY TODAY website. Go to ( and enter your zip code and optional category of specialty such as marriage/relationship. Read psychotherapists’ profile to see if he or she has the specialty.
You may also want to create your mental image of psychotherapist that you two want to work with – Male or female? To note, many therapists offer initial consultation for free. So you and your husband can see it as an informational meeting. You and he can ask any question. You and he can also negotiate psychotherapy fee and number of sessions.

In addition, "a couple intensive retreat" may work for you and your husband.
Please check out the following center -

This is your fifth marriage. You must have gone through a lot before.
If you feel like you still have emotional baggage from your past, you may benefit from having individual counseling to work through your issues.

Please let me know if you have any questions. Best regards,
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

The lack of funds keeps me from going to a psychotherapist and my husband refuses to go to counseling. I would really like you to help me with this if you can.

Hi there
Thank you for your reply.
Let me work on this.
I'll be back with my answer.
Hi there
Thank you for waiting.
I was offline for a while due to other duties.

It sounds like you want to save this marriage and want to rebuild a relationship with your husband regardless of his betrayal.

If you have no health insurance, you may call The United Way toll free # XXXXX (Dial 2-1-1)to find the community mental health centers in your area in which you can get individual or marriage counseling for a low fee.

If you want to work on these issues on your own,
I would advise you to -
Write down your goals (e.g., forgive your husband; express affection and love to your husband at least one time daily etc..)
Keep a daily journal of your practice and what you feel grateful about your husband and marriage.
Dr. Olsen and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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