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psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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Ive been married to my husband for 21 years. He had 2 affairs

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I've been married to my husband for 21 years. He had 2 affairs 10 years ago and that really took away any trust I had in him. He begged and pleaded to take him back and I did. It's 10 years later and 3 months ago, out of the blue he told me he can't take my questioning him all the time and tired of having to answer to me. He said he wanted to call our marriage quits. In his argument for splitting, he said he gave me 10 years to get over the affairs and it's 10 years now. I must say it was an eye opener that even though I agreed to let him back into my life, I never really gave him a chance. Even though we moved to different states because of my insecurities, thinking he was always looking for the next person to cheat on me with. When my husband pointed out all the things that I''ve done over the past 10 years (not trusting him ever, always questioning him, accusing him of being with someone when, when I really didn't have proof, getting on him about calling when he is going to be late. I realized, for the past 10 years I haven't been treating him like my partner, but my prisoner. Wh decided to talk about his feelings and mine and I came to the conclusion that he was leaving because of me. There wasn't any kids to keep him from leaving, they are grown now. So, we decided to give it another try, so I thought. 2 months ago my husband went on a business trip (which he has done before) but was supposed to be gone for 3 weeks. He first would call, skype and respond to my emails, then the communication would go from 2x a day to not hearing from him in 3-4 days. He tells me he decided to take this assignment because it wouldn't impact us financially He said this was his way of separating from me to think about what he wants from his life. If he wants to stay married or be alone. 5 days ago he bought me a ticket to fly to Taiwan to be with him 2 weeks. When I asked him if he got the ticket because I asked or if it was because he wanted to see me, he said, "I got the ticket, you didn't make me do anything". My question is, it's been 2 days since our last conversation, should I go? I feel like he's trying to figure out if he should stay with me, after my visit. By the way, he said he is supposed to come back when I do, but he's said he's coming home 3 or 4 times before. Should I show him how much I love him and how sorry I am for not trying to trust him, when I was the one that said yes, to him coming back home?
Don't get too caught up in who is responsible for the decisions but rather what you can do to change things. The important factors are how to gain trust again and do this in a way that benefits the relationship. Cheating can have lifelong effects and you are just feelings the repercussions of this. It is okay to own your behavior but don't make things all your fault. I would suggest that you find a marriage counselor that can permanently resolve the aftermath of cheating. Even if you attend sporadically it is better than no participation at all. Also reinforce on your own that you acknowledge your mistakes but it will be essential that he own his cheating. When you offer to him your apology also ask for what you need as well. If you both can come together there is a good chance that you can resolve this. He has to be on board. I would have an open discussion on this with both of you asking for what you need. Try finding some self help guides to initiate this. If you think your personality is one of codependence rather than anger you can find Codependent No More helpful.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

He has always tried to prove he has been faithful ever since his affair. My last conversation with him, he was crying on the phone. He said he does miss me, he's just not sure if I have changed. He said he didn't think that people change. So does that mean HE can't change, when he made that comment to me? My friends tell me I shouldn't fly all the way across the world to be with him, when he was the one that created the lack of trust. My sister says we need this time alone. Am I showing that I'm weak or desperate for him to stay with me by going or does going show him that I AM willing to fly across the world for him and be with him? I'm torn on what to do. I know he's is just as lonely as I am. At least that's what I'm supposed to believe, if I'm supposed to be trusting him right?

It sounds like he has different standards for you than he has for himself. That isn't really fair and you should consider that when making decisions about this marriage. I think you should do what is best for you but don't overextend yourself so he doesn't have to put in the work. He has to l show that he is motivated too. You can trust him but he has to show he is trying or else you won't know if he wants this. Actions speak louder than words
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.

This is what makes me question me flying to see him. I don't know if it will hurt the marriage by not going because he made the decision in getting the ticket for me, which he didn't have to do. Maybe going there and discussing our marriage on neutral ground, where there's nobody or nothing to interrupt us? What would you do? Do I send an email (only way I can communicate, except when and if he calls) asking him if this means that he didn't change, since he said it himself? Or wait to ask in person?

I would go but after this I would be conscious of putting in more work than he does. I would explore his comment as well. These give you insight into relationship and how motivated he is. I prefer person but asking now could contribute to your decision to go
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you so much for the advise. I think going will help clarify things for both of us. I think he's been gone for so long, he's forgotten the good in our relationship too.


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