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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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Both of my parents have abandoned me..feeling helpless

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Both of my parents have abandoned me, My father has bi-polar and has been a heavy drinker for many years and has a history of verbal and physical abuse towards me and my mother disowned 4 years ago after grandma (her last parent) past away.. She blames me for 'splitting the family'.


 


I am currently in a 7 year relationship with my partner and he works away more than 50% of the time and I feel I am struggling to raise our 7 month old daughter.. I think that I am falling into depression based on feelings of isolation and emptiness..I dont know what to do or where to start.. My partner is willing to give counselling a go, but is reluctant and he refuses to quit working away..

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

 

Your parent's may not be capable of acting any other way rather than refusing to do so. Mental and substance abuse conditions are difficult to manage. It does not seem that your parents want to even consider working on their issues. The blame your mother is placing onto you can be her own way of "coping" as ineffective and unfair it may be.

 

Depression can alter one's world view. Because you're dealing with unresolved issues from your parents, could it be that you're displacing these onto your husband? If he is willing to work with you in marital counseling, it may be a good thing to go ahead and try that at this time. As the therapy progresses, your priorities may change. His may change too. You never know until you try it out.

 

If you feel depressed, would you be open to medication? If your father is suffering from a bipolar disorder, a family member i.e. can have unipolar depression if not bipolar. Medication can offer some relief as far as balancing brain chemistry. Parenting and feelings of abandonment as well as developing healthier coping skills would be things to mentally revisit and address as your mood improves.

 

You can approach this situation in a manner that feels most comfortable to you right now. The initial steps would be to 1) take up your husband on his offer for counseling, 2) figure out if you would be comfortable enough taking medication 3) the time being , try to look at your situation objectively. What you think and believe can be affected by your mood to an extent. Addressing past unresolved parental abandonment issues would also be something to slowly start working on. This can be done either in your own individual therapy, self help support groups, etc. Sometimes what you expect of someone else, may not be something they can deliver.

 

 

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I would like to thankyou for your reply..I will definately address my current issues with my mood. My number one priority is my daughter and I am concerned with how preoccupied and disconnected that I have become and am worried about Jasmine's father being emotionally unavailable to the both of us..


What I would like to ask if I can..is im well aware of the borderline traits that I possess, my partner is quite narcissistic and Ive been feeling as though ive been living on a one way street. He frustrates me with how he can not show empathy which is why I probably battle with feelings of abandonement and I emotionally shut down and reject him whenever he gets on that plane back to work..


 


He is very fixed in his beliefs and does seem rigid with regard to his chosen working lifestyle despite the affect that it has on us as a family. when he is home is constantly busy on the work phone and computer and his OCD is out of control. He has no boundaries


He struggles with intimacy and has difficulty with full eye contact...


 


Should I be worried?..


I have grown tired of our superficial relationship and wonder is it all worth fighting for?..with what little family support I have and having a 7 month old girl.. I just want to be in a healthy relationship but with how character disordered he is Im not really sure if counselling will resolve our current problem. (However, despite my reservations I will give it a try)..


I am feeling really confused by this..as this has been going on for a long time..


 


After 7 years I've begged him to go to counselling but has always refused with the belief that 'it wont change his perspective of me', and that I will only end up leaving him again'..Which is why I left him a while ago for 6 months and he had tears in his eyes..???


 


Before I had Jasmine I tried to maintain boundaries with him but he always seems to talk me out of it and control all finances, and because of this I may have dropped the ball and threated to walk away many occasions.


 


I try to do the right thing for myself, and change the dynamics in our relationship so that Im less dependant on him emotionally and financially..but I am struggling..Is it worth it after all this time?


 


Please help me..Frown


 

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 1 year ago.
You're asking if you should worry and it appears that you already are worried about this.
But, before you preoccupy your mind with worries, it may be fair and healthier to at least give this counseling he's agreeing to a chance.
Someone who is truly narcissistic would not per se become cured. Yet, he can learn some skills that can help improve his reaction to you and the relationship as a whole.
Unless you try it, you would not know.
What you may want to do, is set some goals and perhaps a time frame during which you'd want to see some changes even if smaller ones at first.

Couple's counseling would involve the two of you to work on these issues as a team. His level of participation and openness in the therapy will give you some idea as far as his motivation and abilities to change.

At the same time, you'd also be working on facing how you may have in some way and to an extent contributed to the current dynamics of the relationship as a whole. It seems that you're aware of some of these ex: you're tired of his behavior, and as a result of it may have given him the impression that you no longer care to try because you don't believe he can improve. He could of registered this even on a subtle level and reacted accordingly. It's plausible that he's thinking something in the line of- if she does not want to give me another chance, why should I even bother working on myself?
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt
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