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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5559
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I have a question that Id prefer answered from a female (therapist)

Resolved Question:

I have a question that I'd prefer answered from a female (therapist) perspective...this a possibility?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question. If you can post your question, I will see if I can be of assistance. I will be away for a bit this morning but will get back to you as soon as I am back in.

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thanks...sorry about the wait.


 


This involves a relationship pattern I've been in for a while.


 


For as long as I can remember, I've been attracted to particular traits in women that I go out with. I'm usually partial to women a bit on the curvy side (not obese though) that are open to some erotic experimentation as well as being fairly romantic.


 


Being an (amateur) artist, I enjoy drawing them and creating images of all kinds that highlight their "junk in the trunk" as well as some imaginative erotic scenarios.


 


The thing is, I believe these tendencies limit the relationship and keep things stuck on some superficial qualities. Another problem is that physically speaking, It's tough for me to become (or stay) intimate with women who don't have this callipygian (funny word - think J Lopez) quality.


 


Is this something I should just resign myself too?...or should I really try to work at overcoming this? ( I did try a while back...went back to the old habits before too long)


 


Thanks & Best,


Sloane

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Hello Sloane,

Anytime a person objectifies another, especially sexually, it has to do with avoiding intimacy. A person forms their thoughts and emotions around intimacy in childhood. When you suffer through trauma or abuse either to yourself or as a witness, you change the normal gratification of intimacy into something that keeps a distance between you and the other sex in order to protect yourself and/or to be able to put down or transfer dysfunctional feelings to the person you are with.

In focusing on a woman's body and drawing her genitalia, you are continuing to objectify her and making her into body parts rather than a person. As you may notice, there is an absence of who that person is or her wants or desires. And the focus on a certain type of woman and body shape says that there are unresolved issues from your past. People are not drawn to things that have no significance to them. Therefore, the type of woman you pick, based on her body only, is a focus for you, indicating that there is an issue.

You could resign yourself to how you feel. However, that means you may end up missing out on the chance to form emotionally satisfying relationships with women. You may continue to focus on their bodies and to objectify their personalities and needs. And since you keep doing the same behavior again and again in your relationships, it shows that you are not being satisfied by what you are doing.

Addressing how you feel is the best option. Exploring the behavior can help you find out why you are drawn to this type of woman and what it means to you. Most of all, with the right therapist, you can uncover the unmet needs you have that keep you in this pattern and learn how to change them so you can develop deeper relationships with women, making it more satisfying for you.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Kate,


 


Thanks for the response....just two quick things.


 


Would a typical therapist or a sex therapist be the best choice to work on this?


 


Also, is this a problem you've seen before?....to the point of needing this trait to function intimately?


 


Sloane

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Yes it is an issue I have seen before and it is not uncommon.

A sex therapist might be the best option though the basic issue may not need the focus of a sex therapist. By that I mean that the reason you are feeling this way may have to do with past pain and not so much about sex as just about the pain itself. So based on what you feel might be at the root of this issue, you can pick the appropriate type of therapist from there.

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5559
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Mental Health Professional
5559 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.