How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Jean Your Own Question

Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
66147936
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Jean is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi my partner of 3 years suddenly left me 10days ago, he texted

Resolved Question:

Hi my partner of 3 years suddenly left me 10days ago, he texted me in work saying sorry can't live like I am your lodger anymore I feel unhappy and don't have the same feelings for you. It was a shock as we had issues which I thought we had resolved . He had left for a few hours 2months before but promised not to hurt me like that again when he came back. He has now emailed and stated he always loved me more than i loved him. I have tried reassuring through emails back but I am not going to go into rescue mu question is should I stay in this emotional roller coaster or move on?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 2 years ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, Thank you for your post- Welcome!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry for your conflict in your relationship- you must be in a great deal of pain as well as confused by all of this.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Like you said it was a shock, thinking the two of you had resolved these issues.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

"he always love you more than you loved him". That is quite confusing- what does a girl make of that. I get the sense he is on his way out of the relationship but is hurting knowing how much he is hurting you. There is no easy way to leave a relationship, and it sounds like he had a change of heart before, but came back promising not to hurt you like that again. Talk about a roller coaster. This is very unfair to you- In this situation the person leaving the relationship, in some sort of way, going in and out of the relationship, is there way of saying they feel bad they are hurting you.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

All the same, he is hurting you. We tend to struggle being honest at a time like this- stating clearly what we feel and our plans to leave the relationship. Leaving, or at least you deciding to separate from this to protect yourself from further hurt is important. It's difficult because he is giving you such mixed messages. Sounds like most of his communication is other than face to face? Have you talked in person about this conflict?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You may feel more empowered if you take a firm stand on this, vs. waiting for him to decide how he feels on any given day. This is unfair to you and it's not unreasonable to expect clear, honest, and consistent communication from him. Resist rescuing- yes- he knows that is your pattern. Changing your pattern of not rescuing is a good goal for you. Rescuing and care-taking comes natural for most women. Prolonging this to protect you- is not protecting you- it's prolonging the hurt you are feeling.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He may find comfort in the familiar with you, and on some level knows he's losing a lot- he's afraid.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

What does "not going into rescue mode" look like? Is it you pulling away, taking a stand, allowing him to be the adult and make a decision vs. the roller coaster method? The best you can do is to be honest about how this is hurting you, and that you can no longer do this, that you need to get off of the roller coaster. If he wants to stay on the roller coaster, not rescuing him, he may have to get uncomfortable, without your reassurance, in order to make a clear decision. Because you are so caring, and reassuring, this may be prolonging the inevitable.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Even though moving on will be difficult, it may be what is necessary for your well being. Maybe moving on is a separation, time apart for both of you, time to tell if either of you are into this relationship for the long hall. Something to consider is telling him you want no contact for a specified period of time. This may turn the tables, allowing him some time for serious thought about what is at stake here. He's lucky to have you, it will be his loss. It's time to identify your needs, vs. rescuing him form his own feelings. Time apart would create more of an opportunity for you to not rescue, and for him to have to sort things out between him and him.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's important not to lose yourself, good time to exit a relationship if it's at the point we realize we have lost ourselves. The relationship needs to be equal, not just his needs, what about your needs? Is he saying just enough to keep you "on the line" just in case, he doesn't find something, or someone else? Love changes over time. It starts out as fire works, lust, oh so exciting. Over time, love settles down a bit, becomes more companionship love. Some confuse this natural progression in love, as losing the loving feeling. Love does not stay at the lust, fire works level for ever. Once love has settled down it takes more commitment, energy, and hard work to make sure each person's needs are met equally. Sadly some recycle through relationships thinking they no longer have those same feelings, yes that may be true, but it's natural for those feelings to change- to "settle down".

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Love is an action, a verb, one's actions speak more than their words. Is he saying he cares for you, but his actions speak more about him pulling away? Love is supposed to feel nice and peaceful, and your lover is supposed to…LOVE YOU BACK! If he doesn’t (or fails to demonstrate it), it’s probably a good idea to reevaluate the relationship. One-sided relationships are not sustainable, satisfying, and only lead to suffering, self-doubt, and unhappiness (especially for you).

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry I missed you on line. Please post any comments or additional questions you may have. I will be notified if you post a response and I will respond back to you asap. Thank you so much for you post on Just Answer. I hope at least the roller coaster can stop for a bit for you to better evaluate what you need to do, what's best for you.

Expert:  Jean replied 2 years ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
thanks what you say. Makes a lot of sense I think to he told Mr he had met the perfect women and was totalky blown away by me in the beginning I think he has unrealistic expectations,I liked the getting xomfortable together like ouf-tjng on your comfy slippers he struggled wsnted lots of reasurance he was very affectionate still though I think he has lots of self doubt and is very confused, I think he needs to 'xbe bye hinself, he had left a25year marriage the year before. I met him I think it was to early and he has unresolved issues he also has huge feelings of guilt around his children who are now 26 23 and 19, I am going to stay on the side lines and just be a friend but detach mysekf from him physicalky, thanks for your honest understanding reply, ! ;
Expert:  Jean replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for your reply back, wondered how things were going for you. It does sound like you have a man who is hurting, like you said, guilt around his three children. That's tough guilt "parent guilt"- it can eat a person up. What's wrong with a warm comfy pair of slippers?? You as a warm pair of slippers- safe- keeps him coming back. He wanted lots of reassurance in the relationship- a bit insecure, hurt, afraid. He may have some battle scars from 25 years of marriage. He may still be recovering from the marriage, divorce, loss, all that parent stuff too. As tough as it is- yes detach- the very best you can do. A good time to focus on you- you deserve that!

A good book to consider: The Language of Letting Go, daily meditations for codependents, by Melody Beattie. She's the author of Codependent No More. I think most of us qualify as codependents- focus on others, putting others before ourself- especially a woman.

Take Care,
Let me know how things are going for you,

Jean
Expert:  Jean replied 2 years ago.
Karen,
Let me know if I can offer any additional assistance. Thank you! If satisfied with response a rating of okay or above would be greatly appreciated in order for me to be credited.
Do let me know if you had other questions or comments.
Take Care,
Jean
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thanks that is how I see it we had a chat tonight and I have told some hone truths and listened to him. He needs to process and time by himself now. I am going to leave my door afar but get on with my life. Thanks I have lots of supportive friends plus I am a children's therapeutic counsellor and as such am open to learning and growing and being ever more aware of my own attachment issues and patterns in relationships x

Expert:  Jean replied 2 years ago.
Great, you sound very aware and show great insight into all of this. I do wish you the best. Support is important, good to hear you have that. You are in the field- you do important work. Take Care,
Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
Jean and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Mental Health Professional
Jean
Jean
Mental Health Professional
433 Satisfied Customers
Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)