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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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Hi my partner of 3 years suddenly left me 10days ago, he texted

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Hi my partner of 3 years suddenly left me 10days ago, he texted me in work saying sorry can't live like I am your lodger anymore I feel unhappy and don't have the same feelings for you. It was a shock as we had issues which I thought we had resolved . He had left for a few hours 2months before but promised not to hurt me like that again when he came back. He has now emailed and stated he always loved me more than i loved him. I have tried reassuring through emails back but I am not going to go into rescue mu question is should I stay in this emotional roller coaster or move on?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, Thank you for your post- Welcome!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry for your conflict in your relationship- you must be in a great deal of pain as well as confused by all of this.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Like you said it was a shock, thinking the two of you had resolved these issues.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

"he always love you more than you loved him". That is quite confusing- what does a girl make of that. I get the sense he is on his way out of the relationship but is hurting knowing how much he is hurting you. There is no easy way to leave a relationship, and it sounds like he had a change of heart before, but came back promising not to hurt you like that again. Talk about a roller coaster. This is very unfair to you- In this situation the person leaving the relationship, in some sort of way, going in and out of the relationship, is there way of saying they feel bad they are hurting you.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

All the same, he is hurting you. We tend to struggle being honest at a time like this- stating clearly what we feel and our plans to leave the relationship. Leaving, or at least you deciding to separate from this to protect yourself from further hurt is important. It's difficult because he is giving you such mixed messages. Sounds like most of his communication is other than face to face? Have you talked in person about this conflict?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You may feel more empowered if you take a firm stand on this, vs. waiting for him to decide how he feels on any given day. This is unfair to you and it's not unreasonable to expect clear, honest, and consistent communication from him. Resist rescuing- yes- he knows that is your pattern. Changing your pattern of not rescuing is a good goal for you. Rescuing and care-taking comes natural for most women. Prolonging this to protect you- is not protecting you- it's prolonging the hurt you are feeling.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He may find comfort in the familiar with you, and on some level knows he's losing a lot- he's afraid.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

What does "not going into rescue mode" look like? Is it you pulling away, taking a stand, allowing him to be the adult and make a decision vs. the roller coaster method? The best you can do is to be honest about how this is hurting you, and that you can no longer do this, that you need to get off of the roller coaster. If he wants to stay on the roller coaster, not rescuing him, he may have to get uncomfortable, without your reassurance, in order to make a clear decision. Because you are so caring, and reassuring, this may be prolonging the inevitable.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Even though moving on will be difficult, it may be what is necessary for your well being. Maybe moving on is a separation, time apart for both of you, time to tell if either of you are into this relationship for the long hall. Something to consider is telling him you want no contact for a specified period of time. This may turn the tables, allowing him some time for serious thought about what is at stake here. He's lucky to have you, it will be his loss. It's time to identify your needs, vs. rescuing him form his own feelings. Time apart would create more of an opportunity for you to not rescue, and for him to have to sort things out between him and him.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's important not to lose yourself, good time to exit a relationship if it's at the point we realize we have lost ourselves. The relationship needs to be equal, not just his needs, what about your needs? Is he saying just enough to keep you "on the line" just in case, he doesn't find something, or someone else? Love changes over time. It starts out as fire works, lust, oh so exciting. Over time, love settles down a bit, becomes more companionship love. Some confuse this natural progression in love, as losing the loving feeling. Love does not stay at the lust, fire works level for ever. Once love has settled down it takes more commitment, energy, and hard work to make sure each person's needs are met equally. Sadly some recycle through relationships thinking they no longer have those same feelings, yes that may be true, but it's natural for those feelings to change- to "settle down".

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Love is an action, a verb, one's actions speak more than their words. Is he saying he cares for you, but his actions speak more about him pulling away? Love is supposed to feel nice and peaceful, and your lover is supposed to…LOVE YOU BACK! If he doesn’t (or fails to demonstrate it), it’s probably a good idea to reevaluate the relationship. One-sided relationships are not sustainable, satisfying, and only lead to suffering, self-doubt, and unhappiness (especially for you).

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry I missed you on line. Please post any comments or additional questions you may have. I will be notified if you post a response and I will respond back to you asap. Thank you so much for you post on Just Answer. I hope at least the roller coaster can stop for a bit for you to better evaluate what you need to do, what's best for you.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
thanks what you say. Makes a lot of sense I think to he told Mr he had met the perfect women and was totalky blown away by me in the beginning I think he has unrealistic expectations,I liked the getting xomfortable together like ouf-tjng on your comfy slippers he struggled wsnted lots of reasurance he was very affectionate still though I think he has lots of self doubt and is very confused, I think he needs to 'xbe bye hinself, he had left a25year marriage the year before. I met him I think it was to early and he has unresolved issues he also has huge feelings of guilt around his children who are now 26 23 and 19, I am going to stay on the side lines and just be a friend but detach mysekf from him physicalky, thanks for your honest understanding reply, ! ;
Thank you for your reply back, wondered how things were going for you. It does sound like you have a man who is hurting, like you said, guilt around his three children. That's tough guilt "parent guilt"- it can eat a person up. What's wrong with a warm comfy pair of slippers?? You as a warm pair of slippers- safe- keeps him coming back. He wanted lots of reassurance in the relationship- a bit insecure, hurt, afraid. He may have some battle scars from 25 years of marriage. He may still be recovering from the marriage, divorce, loss, all that parent stuff too. As tough as it is- yes detach- the very best you can do. A good time to focus on you- you deserve that!

A good book to consider: The Language of Letting Go, daily meditations for codependents, by Melody Beattie. She's the author of Codependent No More. I think most of us qualify as codependents- focus on others, putting others before ourself- especially a woman.

Take Care,
Let me know how things are going for you,

Jean
Karen,
Let me know if I can offer any additional assistance. Thank you! If satisfied with response a rating of okay or above would be greatly appreciated in order for me to be credited.
Do let me know if you had other questions or comments.
Take Care,
Jean
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thanks that is how I see it we had a chat tonight and I have told some hone truths and listened to him. He needs to process and time by himself now. I am going to leave my door afar but get on with my life. Thanks I have lots of supportive friends plus I am a children's therapeutic counsellor and as such am open to learning and growing and being ever more aware of my own attachment issues and patterns in relationships x

Great, you sound very aware and show great insight into all of this. I do wish you the best. Support is important, good to hear you have that. You are in the field- you do important work. Take Care,
Jean
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