Have Mental Health Questions? Ask a Psychiatrist Online
Hello, Thank you for your post- Welcome!
I'm sorry for your conflict in your relationship- you must be in a great deal of pain as well as confused by all of this.
Like you said it was a shock, thinking the two of you had resolved these issues.
"he always love you more than you loved him". That is quite confusing- what does a girl make of that. I get the sense he is on his way out of the relationship but is hurting knowing how much he is hurting you. There is no easy way to leave a relationship, and it sounds like he had a change of heart before, but came back promising not to hurt you like that again. Talk about a roller coaster. This is very unfair to you- In this situation the person leaving the relationship, in some sort of way, going in and out of the relationship, is there way of saying they feel bad they are hurting you.
All the same, he is hurting you. We tend to struggle being honest at a time like this- stating clearly what we feel and our plans to leave the relationship. Leaving, or at least you deciding to separate from this to protect yourself from further hurt is important. It's difficult because he is giving you such mixed messages. Sounds like most of his communication is other than face to face? Have you talked in person about this conflict?
You may feel more empowered if you take a firm stand on this, vs. waiting for him to decide how he feels on any given day. This is unfair to you and it's not unreasonable to expect clear, honest, and consistent communication from him. Resist rescuing- yes- he knows that is your pattern. Changing your pattern of not rescuing is a good goal for you. Rescuing and care-taking comes natural for most women. Prolonging this to protect you- is not protecting you- it's prolonging the hurt you are feeling.
He may find comfort in the familiar with you, and on some level knows he's losing a lot- he's afraid.
What does "not going into rescue mode" look like? Is it you pulling away, taking a stand, allowing him to be the adult and make a decision vs. the roller coaster method? The best you can do is to be honest about how this is hurting you, and that you can no longer do this, that you need to get off of the roller coaster. If he wants to stay on the roller coaster, not rescuing him, he may have to get uncomfortable, without your reassurance, in order to make a clear decision. Because you are so caring, and reassuring, this may be prolonging the inevitable.
Even though moving on will be difficult, it may be what is necessary for your well being. Maybe moving on is a separation, time apart for both of you, time to tell if either of you are into this relationship for the long hall. Something to consider is telling him you want no contact for a specified period of time. This may turn the tables, allowing him some time for serious thought about what is at stake here. He's lucky to have you, it will be his loss. It's time to identify your needs, vs. rescuing him form his own feelings. Time apart would create more of an opportunity for you to not rescue, and for him to have to sort things out between him and him.
It's important not to lose yourself, good time to exit a relationship if it's at the point we realize we have lost ourselves. The relationship needs to be equal, not just his needs, what about your needs? Is he saying just enough to keep you "on the line" just in case, he doesn't find something, or someone else? Love changes over time. It starts out as fire works, lust, oh so exciting. Over time, love settles down a bit, becomes more companionship love. Some confuse this natural progression in love, as losing the loving feeling. Love does not stay at the lust, fire works level for ever. Once love has settled down it takes more commitment, energy, and hard work to make sure each person's needs are met equally. Sadly some recycle through relationships thinking they no longer have those same feelings, yes that may be true, but it's natural for those feelings to change- to "settle down".
Love is an action, a verb, one's actions speak more than their words. Is he saying he cares for you, but his actions speak more about him pulling away? Love is supposed to feel nice and peaceful, and your lover is supposed to…LOVE YOU BACK! If he doesn’t (or fails to demonstrate it), it’s probably a good idea to reevaluate the relationship. One-sided relationships are not sustainable, satisfying, and only lead to suffering, self-doubt, and unhappiness (especially for you).
I'm sorry I missed you on line. Please post any comments or additional questions you may have. I will be notified if you post a response and I will respond back to you asap. Thank you so much for you post on Just Answer. I hope at least the roller coaster can stop for a bit for you to better evaluate what you need to do, what's best for you.
Thanks that is how I see it we had a chat tonight and I have told some hone truths and listened to him. He needs to process and time by himself now. I am going to leave my door afar but get on with my life. Thanks I have lots of supportive friends plus I am a children's therapeutic counsellor and as such am open to learning and growing and being ever more aware of my own attachment issues and patterns in relationships x