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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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My partner suddenly left last week as he said he felt like

Resolved Question:

My partner suddenly left last week as he said he felt like my lodger plus felt I put my son first. this is a pattern of his when things get on top of him. He has done this before and I went into rescue mode and he came back.I am not rescuing him this time as it was to painful how he done it, plus I don't want to keep feeling like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. The problem is I miss the loving , caring side Of him. Part of me however. Feels relieved. can he change this pattern and how can I suuport him or should I let him go and start a fresh?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time with your partner.

Customer:

Thank you I am very confused

Dr. L :

His pattern of interaction is not healthy for your relationship...

Dr. L :

I can understand why you have chosen in the past to rescue him.

Customer:

I realise this but wish I could help him but not sure he can change

Dr. L :

The truth of the matter is that you cannot change him. Only he can change himself.

Dr. L :

The only person you can change is you.

Dr. L :

He must want to communicate differently with you...he must want to be mature in his communications and in his actions.

Customer:

I feel I need to give him a chance to realise that I won't accept this behaviour and see what happens

Dr. L :

Yes...this is a rollercoaster...

Dr. L :

And...I can imagine that you are tired of it all...

Dr. L :

He can change his behavior...but he must want to live a healthier lifestyle...

Dr. L :

In the meantime, you must make decisions that bring you a healthy, happy life..not a rollercoaster.

Customer:

I am But part of me still loves him and part is relieved to have time out am being strong at the moment.

Dr. L :

Yes...I imagine that there is relief in having a break from him.

Dr. L :

Would you be interested in reading a book or two that might be helpful to you?

Customer:

Thanks I am looking at my own patterns my father people pleases and always rescues my needy mum this pattern of rescuing is comfortable to me but I realise not healthy

Customer:

Yes I would be interested in reading I am open to

Dr. L :

Yes...you are right. You likely learned how to rescue from what you saw and experienced in your own family.

Dr. L :

As you say...it is a comfortable pattern. However, you know now that it doesn't make for a stable, healthy lifestyle.

Customer:

Learning and growing and being self aware I m a children's counsellor so understand attachment issues.

Dr. L :

Yes..you have a good perspective on healthy relationships.

Dr. L :

Here are several books I would recommend:

Dr. L :

Secrets, Lies and Betrayals by Maggie Scarf

Dr. L :

Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns

Customer:

Exactly I think he recognise his pattern and it stems from insecurities and his own childhood but he finds it hard to control when he is in it.

Dr. L :

And...any of Deborah Tannen's books on communication between men and women (she has several).

Dr. L :

Yes...I understand that it can be difficult to sort out your own life when you are in the middle of living it!

Customer:

He tells me I lie to him and keep secrets!!!!!!!!

Dr. L :

Would he consider individual therapy!

Customer:

I dont think he would at the moment he is in poor me mode.

Dr. L :

Okay...so maybe when he is a bit stronger?

Customer:

He has a very affectionate loving side and our physical relationship was amazing

Customer:

I am not sure whether to move on or try to support him to Change but live sepertely

Dr. L :

Well...let me put it this way...

Dr. L :

You have one, and only one, life to live.

Dr. L :

When you think about that....

Dr. L :

Is he the person you want in that one, and only one, life?

Customer:

I am not sure part of me does part of me doesn't thats my dilemma I if I am honest

Dr. L :

That's why I posed that question...to help you consider what is most important to you.

Dr. L :

You are truly in a very difficult situation...there are many reasons to keep going forward in your relationship and likely just as many good reasons to end it. So..it will take careful thought.

Customer:

I need to take time out a really think at the moment he is not impressed with me because I am not rescuing him so is easy to stand back. I also have a 20year old son who lives with me who I like being a good role model too.

Dr. L :

There is likely to be no 1 best answer...rather it will be what is the best overall decision.

Dr. L :

Yes...you have not only your life to consider...but what is best for your son.

Dr. L :

I encourage you to stop rescuing...if you do not break that pattern it will continue over and over and over again.

Customer:

I want a quiet calm life if I am honest I like calm and being able to discuss issues as they arise and then move forward. My dillema is giving up the physical side the passion it makes me feel wonderfully alive .

Dr. L :

Yes...I can understand that there are gains and losses in this for you.

Dr. L :

Maybe having him leave the home for awhile might be a way to "test" out how you feel and give both of you the opportunity to sort our your feelings.

Dr. L :

And for him to see if he can change his behavior.

Customer:

I have decided not to have him back living with me and have told him that feel much more relaxed living on my an with my son and can support myself I guess I know the answer if I am honest is to let him go .

Dr. L :

Yes...you need calm and a peaceful life.

Dr. L :

If he wants to be part of your life...then he must commit to change those aspects of his behavior that are harmful to your relationship.

Customer:

Yes I do my work is both rewarding and challenging and I support others happily on a day to day basis but I need an equal relationship wee I feel supported

Dr. L :

Absolutely!

Dr. L :

You want a partner...and a partnership....

Customer:

I am going to get counselling to help me change my rescuing pattern and stay strong

Dr. L :

That sounds like a good idea.

Dr. L :

As you know, you have played a role in his behavior pattern.

Customer:

Thanks I think this me time is not so. Bad plus I am about to start family therapy training which should help thanks I needed support to stay strong . My son has been amazing he has empathy beyond his yeas and is very supportive I am so proud of him his dad died when he was 9 years old I we lwe lived by ourselves for years .

Customer:

That's what makes him leaving more painful for e

Dr. L :

Yes...I agree that family therapy training will provide new insight and experiences. Very good.

Dr. L :

I'm sorry that your husband died and that this experience is another loss.

Customer:

Thank you this is a pebble in the ocean compared to Graham dying

Dr. L :

It sounds like your son has been showered in love and that has helped him experience life very differently.

Dr. L :

Yes...being a widow and raising a so on your own was not something you expected...and had to have been very difficult.

Dr. L :

*son

Dr. L :

If you end this relationship...there will certainly be a time of grieving...for you and likely for your son.

Customer:

Also very rewarding Ryan kept me strong we supported each other through every hurdle if he feels low I give him and hug if I feel low he hugs me he is a sweetheart

Customer:

KeV is jealous of out v

Dr. L :

And..that is what being a family is all about..support, love, compassion, stability...and you have that with your son!

Customer:

Clouds I do and I am so

Dr. L :

Yes...I can imagine that he feels outside this wonderful circle of love...and doesn't know how to come inside.

Dr. L :

It's unfortunate that he would not consider therapy..that would certainly help

Customer:

Ucly Ryan accepted him and let him in maybe he will in time I will stay friends but get on with my life I have lovely friends and a busy life

Dr. L :

Yes..that sounds very reasonable to stay friends and get on with your life.

Customer:

Thanks you have helped me put things into perspective time will tell.

Dr. L :

I'm very glad that we could chat this evening.

Customer:

The

Dr. L :

And yes...time will tell..

Customer:

Me. Too

Dr. L :

I wish you the best as you go forward.

Dr. L :

Take care!

Customer:

Thanks am going to get some sleep now

Dr. L :

Good night.

Dr. L :

Please let me know if I can help you again in the future. Just ask for me by name and your question will be directed to me.

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. L and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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