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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hello. Ive been in a relationship for more than a year now.

Resolved Question:

Hello. I've been in a relationship for more than a year now. We love each other very much and have big plans together for the future, but as always, perfection doesn't last too long. We don't have sex anymore. I'm 23, he's 32. I'm a good looking girl, open to sex experiences, love him very much. He was very attracted to me from the beginning, we had sex few times a day. Then suddenly our sex dropped to 1-2 times a week, and now it's been almost 3 weeks since he haven't touched me. There was a period when he used to masturbate very often; that disgusted and terrified me, because I could't understand why he preferred disgusting porn to me. I'm not sure he's still doing that, but our sex is still zero. I've tried different ways to understand and "hill" him, but nothing works. he says there's nothing to worry about, it's just he's libido. I've recently discovered that he's taking some Black Ant pills, which google says should work. Unfortunately, I can't see a change. I'm desperate! We're so young and we miss so much! Please, anybody, help me with an idea about what the problem could be!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I am so sorry to hear about your difficult situation. Perhaps the so called perfection had a fatal flaw that didn't come to light until the novelty of your sexual availability wore off. It is not that you are not very attractive and desirable. Rather it is because there are others who are also attractive and desirable, and offer variety, which you cannot offer.

I am not talking about flesh and blood women, of course, but about digital women available on porn sites and videos, available on demand.

I have seen this many times before. A man becomes addicted to porn, is a chronic masturbator, and spends his libido and reduces his desire from frequent masturbation. This would explain his lack of desire, his decrease in frequency of sex with you, and his attempt to increase his "libido" by taking this over-the-counter patent medication to compensate for his need to be able to be more available.

Frankly, it seems that he prefers the digital images. as he has nobody to please but himself. Furthermore, it is known that porn promotes a false idea of the perfect woman: submissive, willing to to anything, and always wanting to please her man. She has no needs, except the desire to please the man.

Your boyfriend will probably be too embarrassed to discuss this with you, and may not admit to his continuing addiction to porn and masturbation, particularly since it disgusts and terrifies you. It does not bother his digital fantasy women. They understand completely and satisfy his needs. They are not disgusted at all. You just don't understand.

If you wish to better understand this phenomenon, you can watch this video (divided into several clips) about the effects of porn on men.

If you want to try to save this relationship (and it may be difficult) then you will probably have to find a sex therapist (licensed therapist with additional certification), and with his agreement go to see her or him.

This is your best hope. If you can't change him, then you should consider finding someone who is into YOU and not porn and self-gratification.

Here are the videos:

A Drug Called Pornography


1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALeRKvxrJjs


2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Q7PEDlbVXo&feature=related


3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkFF2VdXEhs&feature=related


4 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LkKx0irYPs&feature=related


5 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ccG43znpOU&feature=related


6 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWWFx_dy6QI&feature=related


7 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcQjA2Rt0e8&feature=related



I wish you success.


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX much true in your answer, as I know the situation better and he's been actually working in porn industry and apparently enjoying it since we've met.


My question is...should I reveal this to him? Should I put it clear in order for him to understand what I understood? Should I claim that he's selfish? what do you think would be the best approach?


thank you again.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear friend,

I do not think that his knowledge of your understanding of the situation will make the slightest impression on him. He is selfish, and he also puts you at risk for STDs, including HIV/Aids. He is selfish and telling him so will not make a difference.

He may be a narcissist. He is in the perfect "industry" for a narcissist", and have all of this control over others and admiration (whether real or "acting") and access to beautiful women that he dominates while exploiting them and exploiting the public with a business that causes a lot of ruined marriages.

Narcissists like to be admired, like to control others, love themselves (he is is own best "lover"), and have absolutely no empathy for others. He cannot feel your pain and coincern and he doesn't care. He is not like others who are NOT narcissists. Furthermore, narcissisits rarely if ever change.

I understand that you have deep feelings for him, but they will not change anything. You will only continue to be hurt and disappointed. It seems that a woman like you could do a lot better than this man, despite his pretensions to being in a glamorous business.

When you realize the probably irreconsilable differences you face with him, you will move on with your life and find someone who cherishes you, and who is not involved in a tasteless and exploitive occupation. You deserve to be someone's precious friend.


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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