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Doctor Rao
Doctor Rao, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 641
Experience:  MBBS,MD,DPM,MRCPsych
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My 17 year old stepdaugher lies about skipping school smokes

Customer Question

My 17 year old stepdaugher lies about skipping school, smokes pot has sex with random boys has a boyfriend gets everything from her parents which I mean BMW, cash all of it but lies about everything doesnt do her work at school was a good student and now failing more than two classes, if she is late she will text at midnight and say she feel alseep at a friends house or the traffic is bad her daddy or mommy will restrict her for a day but tell her the car is gone for 2 weeks but give it back the next day because they are too lazy to drive her to school and she knows it. I work and cant take her anymore when this happens.  I have drug tested her again and she was postive for pot 45 days later again, she just doesnt care, she got a super speeder ticket on sunday they her parents did nothing, 95 in a 70, skip lunch period we caught her, that night they let her go out with her boyfriend and then when she was then restricted she got her phone, car back in two days, she just skipped at school again, smoke pot again and we just found out from her teachers that she had even started her math from Aug of this year.. and it is now November.  She took a new boy to her mom's house yesterday at lunch locked the bedroom door but she didnt know her 24 yr old sister was home got catch and her real parents did nothing and let her go out halloween night.  What to do.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Doctor Rao replied 1 year ago.

Doctor Rao :

Hi Are you online?

Customer:

yes

Doctor Rao :

Hi, It must be distressing for you to watch this happening in front of you

Doctor Rao :

I have to be honest in that as much as it is upsetting, i am trying to identify how you can help her when her biological parents don't see the problem and she is not keen to acknowledge the problem and seek help

Customer:

It is I have a 26 year old and experience only minor problems at this age and addressed immediately this child with my new partner has another older daughter that we went through 2 DUI drug poss and rehab and now this 17yr old neither has been made responsible for their actions. the 24 still lives at home with the mother is abusive to mother and really is in charge of that the 17yr just came to live with us and

Customer:

is putting all of this stuff. I am just tired of them sticking up for her I am retired police officer see through this and dont understand why they are not being forceful and stopping these actions. Immediately. before something worse happens alot of the times I get kids will be kids and i did it when i was a kid .. oh bs what a answer.

Doctor Rao :

I can see that.The 17 years old might be learning some behavioural aspects from her sister and also the fact that she can push boundaries. It is sad that at that age immediate gratification might take priority But her parents with past experience should have been more careful in dealing with things

Customer:

I am afraid something bad will happen it is only a matter of time.

Doctor Rao :

Well.There are couple of real issues here..1.Her drug problem.We do know that Cannabis in the longterm can cause paranoia,personality change especially more so if the person start at early age. 2.Her sexual associations.Although we can be mindful about her age,individuality she needs to be told about the possible risks that come along, like psychological pain,importance of safe sex etc.

Doctor Rao :

May be the way forward is you having a open and honest discussion with your partner.Lay the card son the table and say it has been difficult for you to witness this and could not take even passive role in this.You can encourage her to seek help and support before it is bit late (i am not sure whether she would listener bother).

Customer:

I know with the Cannabis that i have personally notice forgettfullness now, the sexual association I took her to the OBGYN and had her exam and put on BC about 6 months ago I didnt want her pg and thought her parents were going to go crazy but she told the physican she had been active since 13 i am amazed

Doctor Rao :

But by having serious discussion with your partner and lay some house rules it might be helpful to some extent.The risk is your partner might not like it and there might be strain on the relationship.

Customer:

She is seeing a physi now and has been on 6 visits they tell us to reward her when she does good and let her do things she does do good for a couple of days and then reverts back and then we find out all of the things she does and its all lies

Doctor Rao :

Yeah.It can be amazing how kids don't volunteer truth unless asked for

Doctor Rao :

She might be using splitting phenomenon between he rather and mother and getting away with it

Customer:

She is

Customer:

They think I am being to harsh

Customer:

So she needs to be on lock down only going to school coming home after doing her work and not going anywhere

Customer:

till her grades are good and only but then she can maybe go out one night on the weekend. and come in on a reasonable time if she passes a drug test

Doctor Rao :

Well there are different parenting styles.The complacent style might be helpful if th skid sis shy,bit lazy but listen to parents.Sometimes little bit harshness might be necessary at least to help them see the problem.I am sure down 10 years time she might be thankful to you, if she listen to you. But, I goes the big complicating factor for you is there doesn't seem to be consistency among the grown ups with parenting style/agreement, especially when she is not your biological daughter

Customer:

Very true and the oldest one has and did hurt our relationship but i really dont care so much about that anymore becuase this one is going to get hurt. Do you think she is doing this for attention, she doesnt really treat me bad at all. just her parents

Doctor Rao :

I really hope if possible all three of you 9her biological parents and you) can sit together,discuss her progress,needs and come to reasonable planning.Once you all in agreement then you can involve her in drawing up an action plan without being critical and showing some empathy might work

Customer:

We have tried to do this but the mother always say she will but then when she child is there she allows her to do anything she wants and tells me that she (mother) is not going to be blamed for her bad behavior it not her fault she is like this.

Customer:

Both kids are spoiled rotten and do appreciate anything this child is also disrespectfully XXXXX XXXXX teachers too at school and we have been notified of that too.

Customer:

dont appreciate anything

Doctor Rao :

We do see that at that age girls choices are different (not necessarily wise) but when the choices become unhealthy then the problem comes.It might be interesting for you have a nice heart to heart talk with her to find out the reasons for her behaviour.Tell her that, you are not here to judge but to help if possible.Tell her that it would be a shame if she hasn't use your experience in to account and help

Customer:

She knows when she is 18 or says nobody can tell her what to do. I say well thats right but you will be living under your own roof.

Doctor Rao :

I think you gave me enough information to say that she has some oppositional defiant behaviour complicated by cannabis abuse.

Doctor Rao :

from your point of view

Customer:

Ya I have and she told me she appreciated that, I agree that the cannabis abuse is causing problems and feel that is an issue of course she says it should be legal and she likes it

Doctor Rao :

if you really want to involve in this is by having her biological parents on board,if not, you might be having a battle on your hands.If they are able to sit with you,discuss and agree for a plan please do as we have already discussed.

Doctor Rao :

well in the short term people who abuse might experience relaxation but at the expense of longterm complication alike paranoia,sleep problems,motivational syndrome. I hope she can see that and able to turn her life around before it is bit late

Customer:

me too thank you for the info i appreciate it. Take care

Doctor Rao :

I wish you and her all the best. I have to say, you are being very generous in thinking to help her,because most might choose to close ether eyes when they know it might effect the relationship.You should be proud.

Doctor Rao :

All the best.If you find the answer helpful,please provide positive feedback.Thank you

Customer:

ya well I have help a few and in my pass work enjoy and love kids hate to see them troubled always want them to be on there own and succeed.

Customer:

will do

Doctor Rao, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 641
Experience: MBBS,MD,DPM,MRCPsych
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