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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I am in a relationship where Im abused.

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I am in a relationship where I'm physically and sexually abused. I have lost friends and family support. But when I think about putting him out I just can't do it, he doesn't have anywhere to go. Now I lie and tell people we are great, I lie and tell people he's in counseling. I have even lied about nice things hes done- like he bought me flowers or he let me sleep in and cleaned the kitchen while I sleep etc. I am starting to think I have a mental illness. Staying in a bad place, and justifying his actions. And now lying about sweet things ''he's done'' for me. Are these symptoms of any mental illness or disorder?


Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very overwhelming situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The scenario you are depicting clearly shows a very dysfunctional relationship where you have been systematically abuse at multiple levels by this person but instead of protecting yourself and looking for real support you have been enabling the abuse, promoting a false image of reality for other people to believe everything is fine.

Customer:

exactly.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This situation without doubt shows serious mental health disorders you have been suffering, from severe codependency, to depression, anxiety, personality problems, possibly past experiences of trauma , abuse and or neglect.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do not perpetuate this self-destructive life, where you empower this person['s abuse, which would not only continue to hurt you but would also harm other people, once you are literally reinforcing all the serious disorders this person presents, which would lead to other potential victims.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need professional psychological support as soon as possible, including both, intensive individual and group psychotherapy, and this person needs to be reported otherwise he would continue to abuse you and other women.

Customer:

when i reached out about a year ago-my support was overwhelming. everyone wanted to help me out of this. but the 2nd time i allowed him back into my life they basically threw their hands up. i feel like i lie to try to get them back. like if they think everything is okay we can go back to how hings were before i told them/confirmed their suspicions. given my ''logic'' do you think thats pathological lying?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please contact your loved ones, those people close to you, from friends to family who truly care about you and tell them everything that happened. Contact the county mental health and social services department and ask them for referral for programs where you could get support. There are many legal and social advocacy groups for women victims of domestic violence, sexual and physical abuse, they are there waiting to help victims, and they will offer from psychological to legal support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Pathological lying uses to be a way to manipulate people, some times it becomes a habit for everything and some times to hurt people. In your case it is obvious you use lying to specifically justify this specific situation, so it shows serious codependency disorder, self-neglect, self-sabotage, exposing yourself to what you know is destructive.

Customer:

we went to counseling but i always water down/belittle what has happened because im cant talk about it. ive had broken ribs and still find myself unable to really say how it happened.

Customer:

i dont want him to go to jail, though

Customer:

ive heard over and over that men that are imprisioned for rape are treated horribly, terribly in jail

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry but as it seems obvious here, you have mainly two options here, to perpetuate enabling the abuse, or to choose to start taking good care of yourself and not fueling his mental illnesses and abusive life any longer.

Customer:

i guess im wondering if theres a diagnosable disorder i have, something a dr. can perscribe a pill for and ill be over it or be able to think/function with more clarity

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It seems you are mainly thinking about one more way to justify and perpetuate this overwhelming abusive reality, disregarding the fact of your own chronic victimization and all of the other women he would abuse empowered by your codependent enabling. I truly believe you should start at least respecting yourself and also thinking of all the other women who would suffer the same because of his illnesses fueled by you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

There is no drug that could change a person's mind, heart and life, drugs can only numb you or manipulate your brain and nervous system functioning, which depend on how we use our minds, emotions, words and actions. It is through psychotherapy and counseling, as described before, that we all can work on ourselves, in order to face reality, effectively cope with issues, change of good and develop necessary skills leading to healthy and fulfilling lives.Nobody has the power to do this but ourselves, and in many cases like this, with the support of professionals, otherwise it would get worse.

Customer:

You're right. I know.

Customer:

I just want there to be another way.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then please start by taking some concrete actions if you truly care about you, other women and even if you want to do something positive towards this person, once your enabling has been the worst thing any body could do about this person, since it literally fuels and empowers his destructive ways - mental illnesses. Read about Codependency and the Stockholm Syndrome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please come to terms with reality that of you have a medical problem that requires medical treatment it does not help staying passive and refusing treatment, thing would only get worse. When we suffer of psychological disorders, we also need professional mental health treatment, otherwise we would get worse.

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