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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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So I really need help. I dont know who else to talk to. My

Customer Question

So I really need help. I don't know who else to talk to. My parents aren't exactly the people to go to about this kind of thing. Mostly because I blame them for my feelings. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I'm a seventeen year old girl attending a high school where my girlfriend goes. See, when I came out to my parents, my mom told me I was confused and that it was wrong to love another girl. I've never been so sad in my life. All I wanted to do was share my love for my girlfriend with my family. Share the joy. Show her what my family is like. And I begged and pleaded for them to let me see her, but they wouldn't. I went the whole summer having to sneak around to see her. When we were caught, my dad stepped in and told me how disappointed he was in me. All I've ever wanted was to be the best I can be for my parents. I spend every second of my free time thinking of new ways to please them. But how can being homosexual mean that I'm not "perfect" anymore? How could my own mother--the one person who's always told me that it doesn't matter who I love or what I do, that she'll always love me--tell me I'm not "perfect" because I'm in love with a girl? They allowed me to return to the school as long as me and my girlfriend remained friends. You can probably guess how well I follow that rule, but I can't help it. I've never felt this way about anyone. I see her sometimes on the weekends after work. She comes to see me and we get to talk for a little while before my parents come for me. Things have started to return to normal with my parents. They're slowly starting to trust me again. But they act as though it never happened. I never came out. I was never gay. My girlfriend never existed. And I don't know what to do. I feel so paranoid every time I go out with my girlfriend that I hold back. She's told me this, and she knows it's not my fault. But I feel like it is. I feel like it's all my fault. I can't be her everything. I can't be there when she needs me. I can't go to plays with her or have dinner with her or wake up next to her. And it's not fair. Sure I can wait until the school year is over, move out, and see her all I want. But I love my parents. I love them so much. And I wanted to stay mad at them forever. But do you know how hard it is to stay mad at someone you love? Next to coming out, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. And I don't want to lose my girlfriend. I don't ever want to lose her. She means too much to me. But they're making me choose and I can't choose. I can't choose between them and her. I don't know what to do. I've been debating whether I should see a therapist or not. All this extra stress--three AP classes, so much homework and chores, extra responsibilities, trying to make everyone happy, along with chronic insomnia--makes it hard to keep it together. I don't want to go to anyone I know (like my friends or my girlfriend) because it just makes them upset and nothing gets solved. I suppose I'm just wondering if you think I need further assistance. I really don't know what to do. My mom suggested a therapist because she thinks I'm insane for loving a girl. But I'd like to just vent my problems through someone. And, preferably, someone I don't know. Should I seek further assistance? If I had to operationally define my depression, I'd say it was when there was physical pain in my chest (heartache), constant headaches, and crying at least twice a week.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

You are, for the time being, in a difficult place. You parents, especially your mom, can talk the talk, but she cannot walk the walk. She knows that its true that you should be able to love anyone. She taught that well. But in her unconscious mind, from her own upbringing, she feels that being gay is some kind of defect. It it is her child, then it is HER defect.

She also has hopes to have biological grandchildren (she still can). She can and will learn to love whomever you choose. Not now. Not in six months, but in the future.

She prefers to be in denial, where it is safe. This is the way she protects herself. This is the kind of behavior that keeps children in the closet, and she is giving you space to go back into the closet.

You don't have to give up the woman that you love. You just have to practice discretion and accommodate you parents, who in their hearts know that you are gay, but prefer the illusion that you are not.

If you don't mention it then you are fine.

When you have more independence they will understand who you are. You must not ask their permission because you are still a minor child for a few more months. When you reach 18 this should not be a signal for you to rub their faces in it,and I'm sure you do not intend to do this.

Instead, let them slowly get used to the idea which they will absorb without you having to run to them. I know you want them to share your joy, and one day they will.

I had one sister (recently deceased), and she had two daughters, one of them gay. My niece has a baby by artificial insemination, and lives with her partner. The baby is my flesh and blood and is part of our family.

What seems extraordinary now eventually become normal. This will happen.

You have situationally caused depression and anxiety (called Adjustment Disorder) and will settle down as the situation normalizes. That has to be a function of time, for nothing else can heal like time does.

The crying is from sadness, and the chest pains from depression. You will get through this.

Let me recommend a book (available at amazon.com and elsewhere):

How To Be A Happy Lesbian: A Coming Out Guide
by Tracey Stevens and Katherine Wunder


If you feel you need therapy as well, there are counselors and therapists who specialize in gay and lesbian clients.

Go to www.psychologytoday.com and click FIND A THERAPIST. Enter your state and city, and then when the list pops up, go to left hand side under ISSUES and click gay and lesbian and narrow down your choices.

You will get through this.

I wish you great success.


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear friend,

Thank you so much.


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

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