Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.
I am sorry for the pain and suffering that you are enduring now. You internet friend sounds wonderfully supportive and you should do what you can to hold on to her. She is a rare and wonderful person, from what you say.
It seems fairly apparent that you are suffering from major depression because you have some key symptoms:
- feel pessimistic (which is quite often)
- unable to feel the same caring and loving way that you did
- easily irritable or annoyed at things that should make you feel elated
- your depressed mood is visible to others (her)
- your self worth as depreciated
- these feelings are causing important stress or impairing personal or social function
Until you begin to get your face-to-face therapy, you must practice some cognitive behavior therapy on yourself, meaning: you MUST restrain yourself, as difficult as it may be. When she gives you her gift of positive support, you must overcome your urge to be annoyed and thank her and understand where she is coming from. She cannot change your internal mood, but she values you enough to put up with your negative responses to you.
It is easier for you to do this over the phone because you can conceal some of your negative body language. This is not a cure for your moods, but it will certainly slow down any deterioration in this valuable relationship.
Letting it fall apart will only make your own moods decline faster, and once you go too far you may not be able to regain what you lost.
For immediate help you can get this book from amazon.com by mail or instantly on your computer via Kindle (you don't need a Kindle device but can read it on your computer).
The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression: A Step-by-Step Program
by William J. Knaus EdD and Albert Ellis PhD
I truly hope that you can turn this around and save what seems to be a great relationship.
Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC