Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am sorry to know about your situation. To find yourself in a relationship where there is not enough mutual understanding, open communication, intimacy and fulfillment is never easy but frustrating and sad.
You are still a young couple, so still knowing about each other. It is concerning the fact that he states not knowing why he is and feels the way he does around sex, that shows he needs to work on himself in order to find out, otherwise he would not be able to develop a healthy and fulfilling relationship with you nor with any other person.
we are at a stage where he says he doesnt know why he is like he is, yet i need to make a desicion about us as im the one affecting it most, surely someone who just wants to do the one main object and nothing else isnt normal, he is embaressed and uncomfortable with it i can see it in his face, but ive given up trying now
he has suffered from psoriasis quite badly in past too, but that clear at moment and he did come out late in life
I see, it's sad, but necessary to acknowledge that he has issues he needs to work on himself first if he expects to be able to play a good role in close relationships. The fact that he is not even aware of why he s the way he is shows the need he has for professional psychotherapy, so he could explore himself, and find out with adequate support.
my problem is has my light gone out now as im not wanting to even try or think about it
He needs and deserves to feel comfortable at the sexual level but it would not just happen, he has to work on it. Pushing would not be a solution, thus you are wise not insisting on it, but if he wants to be and feel better at that level as an individual and then in relationships, he would have to work on it.
I see, the frustration has been that undermining then. Now each of you need to assess what you need and expect from each other, what you are truly willing to work on and afford and not, then take consistent action doing whatever necessary to make of your reality an expression of what you want and deserve.
If you happen to share same expectations and truly want to work on it, perfect, if not, better for you to be totally honest with yourselves as individuals and with each other. Time would only deepen whatever is already there of positive or negative.
would seeking help for hin help you think, as i get mixed messages, one is i dont really like kissing and the things that go with foreplay etc and another i want too try but dont know how
my heart says i feel thats who he is and nothing will change and that wouldnt be enough too be together for the forseeable future
Without both of you being %100 honest and open about what you want, need and expect here, your relationship would not evolve, thus you need to talk and confront inconsistencies, and clarify what he really wants , needs and is willing to do about it or not. Then you could work on it if he happens to choose to go through that path, otherwise it would not work.
Then you need to keep being this truthful towards yourself and be totally honest towards him. There is no other assertive way to cope with reality.
think i fear for being on my own again too, as im getting no younger and been hurt before, but thats no reason to stay with someone
Absolutely. Fooling yourselves does never help but creates extra pain nobody needs nor deserves.
from what ive told you about him would you say there are issues that dont strike as normal, not that i like pigeon holing people as normal or not normal
The situation you depicted shows he could have serious sexual trust, intimacy issues which need to be addressed, and it seems he requires professional psychotherapeutic support once he states not even knowing why he is -fees the way he does.
i deffo feel its an intimacy issue, but leaves me feeling is it me , is he even really gay etc and all this i feel has taken its toll, and at breaking point, i have never cheated and never will, but have text an old flame and thats what finally made me think , right something has to be done
but i think if i ask him to get help he will be stand offish and money is an issue too
and theres me in equation too, has it all just gone that bit too far
My suggestion if you to to assertively and responsibly address these issues as soon as possible if what you want s to truly take good care of yourself and help him doing the same.
ok , many thanks
You're welcome. I hope you could assertively work on learning and growing from this challenging life experience. Thank you for your trust.
Take gentle care and consistent action. Bye for now.