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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hey Kate :). Just checking in. A lot has been going on. I have

Customer Question

Hey Kate :). Just checking in. A lot has been going on. I have still been doing EMDR. It has been really rough and I had not seen much progress. But I went again Tuesday, and it was very hard - I cried pretty much th whole time - but the EMDR seemed to have some positive effect. Plus, Rose (unlike Linda) argues with me and doesn't back down and will just tell me I am wrong and ask me pointed questions, and push me to tell her what I am thinking or feeling (she says I need to say it - she doesn't let me sit there thinking or crying in silence. Although this is uncomfortable, and I've heard everything she tells me before, the way she says things and her style seem to be effective with me. So I feel a bit more encouraged about that.

I have seen Linda a few times since I started the EMDR and call her sometimes. But when we meet, she is tryin to keep it light, which is light, but I feel like I am paying to chat with her, which I could do with a friend.

I have had a really tough several weeks. First, I had my briefcase in my car one Sunday because I was going to work after church. During church, someone broke into my car and stole stuff - including my briefcase. No big deal ordinarily - except for the briefcase. I had client files and personal info in them. I was so upset no know better than to leave it in my car. I had to call all those clients, make sure they all too all the identity theft protection measures, etc., and just knowing that someone had all their personal info. Had to alert my insurance carrier, etc. it was a mess and I felt like such a loser. I really screwed up. Thankfully, all of the clients were very understanding. But that also wasted a lot of time in doing all that, and recreating files, etc.

Then, the next weekend I spent all day Saturday moving p's parents' stuff from their house and moving her brother and sister-in-law, then woke up in the middle of the night thinking I pulled a muscle or something - got worse and worse - it turns out that I had a kidney stone. I have never had one before - came out of the blue. That took a couple days to pass, so I wasted those days either in pain throwing up, or drugged out. Meanwhile, we were supposed to close on our new house and its been a mess (turns out it was the sellers' realtor not communicating with them). finally closed yesterday - but it's taken so much time going back and forth with the realtor, lender, title co. Ugh.

Last Wednesday was 20 years since what happened. It was upsetting - I guess since I just feel like I should be so much further along. And also - it just bothered me. Not sure exactly what it was. I felt very alone. And, honestly, I was really hurt that Linda didnt at least call me that day to ask how I was doi. Or something. Maybe that is an unreasonable expectation. I know she probably didnt remember - but she knew the week before. I know it should not upset me - its not her responsibility. But it did.


Then, to top it off, yesterday on my way to work, I rear-ended a woman, whose car then hit the one in front of her. She was hurt. She hit her chest on the steering wheel and had back and neck pain. I feel terrible that I hurt her. The EMTs said she would be okay, but they took her in an ambulance. I feel like such a jerk.

I can't seem to get a break. And much of it is my own actions. I am really hoping this month is better :).

How are you??

Shay
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
It's great to hear from you, Shay! I miss talking with you. I am sorry to hear that things have been going so badly for you. You have really had a tough time of it.

It is easy to blame yourself when bad things happen to you. But none of the things you talked about could possibly be your fault. For one, you had no idea that someone would break into your car and take your briefcase. No one expects that and people leave stuff in their car all the time. And two, the accident was just that, an accident. We all have them and feel responsible, but second guessing yourself does nothing. You did not mean to hit that person, you don't even know them. It was just a simple mistake. And you felt bad about it. Someone who is a jerk would have tried to blame someone else (even the victim- I've seen it happen) and not taken responsibility. You did, on both counts. You tried to make amends with your clients and with the person in the car in front of you. That makes you a good person, not a jerk.

It sounds like your EMDR therapist is helping you. Her style of therapy is something you mentioned needing before because it helps you for someone to be direct. And I agree, a therapist who can tell you how it is can make it easier to accept the good point of view instead of believing in the misconceptions you have about yourself. You are very smart and have a logical mind. It is easy for you to argue your way out of seeing something. But a therapist that can help you with seeing another way is good.

I'm sorry that Linda was not there for you on your anniversary. I imagine that she simply didn't recall or she may have felt that highlighting it may hurt you more than help you. But that does not make you feel any less hurt.

Try not to pressure yourself about your progress so far. You spent so many years repressing your feelings based on what your parents taught you to do. This was not your fault. You only did what you were taught to do, as we all do. Real progress takes time. You can't expect to recover from something so traumatizing in just a short period of time. And your progress so far has been amazing. You have worked so hard to overcome what those guys did to you. Just from talking with you, I can see a difference. And don't forget, you had to not only work through the trauma of the assault, but the way you processed it. Your parents taught you to repress, so you had to work out your feelings around that and relearn how to accept your feelings before you could make progress on healing.

Buying a house is a pain, I know. There is always some complication to drag it out. I'm glad to hear you found one, though. Last time we talked, you mentioned that the sale of the previous home you picked fell through. It's good it all worked out.

I'm sorry to hear that you were sick. I've heard that kidney stones are very painful. I'm glad you are on the mend.

Things are going well here. We just dealt with that storm and thankfully, it had less of an impact than expected here. But I feel awful for the people that got hit so badly in New York and New Jersey. It breaks my heart to hear that people died.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Rose and I actually talked about the thing with my parents. I told her that when we were growing up, bein scared wasn't an excuse for anything and was treated as being ridiculous. I also told her that my parents comments that the person who told them what happened to me was being "over dramatic" and "making a big deal of it" and the fact that they told me they didn't want to know anything about it (although I wouldn't have told them anything about it anyway) really hurt my feelings. I told her how disappointed they would be if they knew I was seeing a therapist and wasn't over this yet - let alone 2 therapists and a psychiatrist. She said "but you recognize that's them - it is their issue, not yours, and you are under no obligation to tell them anything you are doing," which is right.

She told me that she has been a Therapist for 30 years and has done EMDR for 14 years, and she has heard the details of a lot of assaults - but that what I have told her, it was the most horrible. Why would she tell me that? She said it was because I needed to understand that any violation is bad and needs work to get through, but mine was different. It seems that conflicts with trying to make me feel better about it, doesn't it? (Plus I'm not sure i believe her). That just seems weird to me that she would say that.

I know it's not my fault that someone broke into my car - but I should not have left a briefcase with clients' personal info in my car. I'm sure you know that, too. And of course I didn't mean to hit the lady. So I guess it would be better to day that I feel. "Careless" - instead of feeling like a jerk. It's just been one thing after another, and with feeling so bad from the EMDR, I feel like I have even fewer coping mechanisms.

I understand that Linda just didn't remember. She has lots of clients. I think I was probably hurt because I just felt really alone that day.


But - it is a new day and a new month!!

I'm glad you didn't get hit too hard by the storms. Here, of course, we'd be thrilled to get a little rain!

Well, need to go pack some more. We start the move tomorrow. Talk to you soon!
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

I'm glad you and Rose had a chance to talk about your parents. It can help to hear different perspectives.

She may have told you that your assault was one of the worst ones she had heard of to help impress on you that your recovery from it is very normal. And to maybe help your perspective of it in terms of recovery. It may not be easy to hear and I can see why you feel it might not help, but I think her motives might have been to help rather than hurt you. If you feel that is not helpful, you can always tell her that it isn't so she doesn't repeat it or bring it up in any way.

Whenever you go through a difficult time, it is normal to feel that your coping mechanisms are not as effective. They are really stretched thin when you have so many stressors going on at once. This will pass as you work through some of the situations. Also, think about spending more time on caring for yourself. Do things that help to build your confidence. Pamper yourself, get away for a while or just take a day for you. Doing something like that can replenish your strength and help you feel more in control.

I hope your move goes well! Moving is a great chance at a new start.

It is great to talk with you again, Shay. Take care and I'll talk with you soon!

Kate

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