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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5111
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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my husband of 43 years said he wants to spend his good years

Customer Question

my husband of 43 years said he wants to spend his good years alone because we fight all the time .he is 60yrs.but i think he is chetting.my kids heard him talk on skype when he was drunk he was telling a woman what are you going to do if i come to the hotel with my wife? and she said i will protent i dont know you.we live in canada but he goes home to europe a lot .me too .i ask him he said there is no woman anywhere.he goes on trips and he will not tell me what hotels he is stayng.but he never did anything like that before.he sais he wants to be civilized for the kids and our 4 grandbabies.i know he loves me but i lost my trust .he said his life is his and he will not explain nothing to nobody.i love him and i need your help how to do this .i am going to europe to see him and try to see if i can fix something.he is a person who loves to party all the time with all kind of people and told me i dont belong where he goes. can you please help me?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

Hi! You know, to give you the best answer, I think I should ask you a few questions first that will help define the problem and the situation.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is very sad and tragic. And I can see how hurt and worried you are. But I'm very concerned that you are avoiding the real issue. What do I mean?

Let's say he is indeed sleeping with other women. What do you want to do if this is the case?

Let's say he is not sleeping with other women. That what he's doing is going to strip club where women dance nude and then he goes back to the hotel by himself like he says. What do you want to do if this is the case?

In other words, you are going to Europe to try to fix the situation. But what do you want the outcome to be? He wants to separate whether he is sleeping with other women or not. What do you hope to have happen in Europe?

Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.

I may be logged off for the night (US time) before you reply, but go ahead and reply to these questions and I’ll answer as soon as I log on tomorrow. Okay?


Dr. Mark

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

 


if he sleeps with other women that is it.but if he doesnt i want to save my marriage but how do i found out if he doesn admit anything?i need to know so i can have a closure if that is.he told me let me have some space and maybe i will come to you dont pressure me. if we get sapareted i dont want to see him at all .and he was telling me he want us to go for holidays to see our kids is this good for me what you think?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

 


 if he sleeps with other women that is it.but if he doesnt  i want to save my marriage but how do i found out if he doesn admit anything?i need to know so i can have a closure if that is.he told me let me have some space and maybe i will come to you dont pressure me. if we get sapareted i dont want to see him at all .and he was telling me he want us to go for holidays    to see our kids is this  good for me what you think?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

is all this go on line and everybody can see it?

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Hi. I'm back online as it's morning here in the US. I'll be seeing people in therapy in my office starting in a while, but I can respond now to your replies.


Your feeling is that if your husband is not having sex with another woman or other women, then you want to try to make the marriage work. If he is having sex, then you want to end the marriage. Okay.


I am very concerned for you, though. I'm most concerned that there is no way for you to know with certainty that he is not having sex with other women. He is denying it. However, he is not being open about his activities. He is not allowing you to verify what his activities are and how he is spending his money or his time.


Thus, my concern is that you will get to Europe and he will continue denying that he is having sex with other women. But he will also not allow you to look into his activities. In other words, he is maintaining a separate life from you. Even if it does not include actual sex with other women, you believe it does include partying and going to night clubs. And there is one thing certain:


He does not want an open, loving, intimate, sharing marriage. He wants to be independent and to live as a single man except when it is convenient to "act" married.


So this is why I am so concerned for you. He wants it BOTH ways. He wants to be married for the respectability with the children and grandchildren. And he wants to live like a single man to not have the responsibilities and caring for his wife that come with a marriage.


He is not acting like a married man whether he IS having sex with other women or is NOT having sex with other women. He is not caring about your feelings at all.


Therefore, I think you need to do two things: when you go to Europe, besides trying to find out if he's sleeping with other women, you need to find out if he is at all interested in having a real marriage. That means caring about your feelings, taking into account your needs in his actions. If not (which he has said he is not interested in that already) then second, you need to speak with your grown children and seek advice on whether you should continue the marriage in name or if you should get a divorce.


Because the issue of his fidelity is only one issue. There are other issues in the marriage that make it not livable for you. Namely, that he is saying he wants to live as if he's single and not have to answer to you or share with you his life and interests or care about you and your interests.


Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5111
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
Dr. Mark and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

say you are separated do you keep contact or cut all the ties for while please help me

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Hi. I'm sorry I was away for a few days.


He is not showing interest in your needs at all or consideration of your needs. If you are separated, I think it is most important for you to think of what you need for yourself to have the best life you can. And I would believe that this would mean that you need to start creating your own social circle and begin to meet people on your own. Maintaining contact with him might bring up false hope for you of things returning to how they were is my fear.


I wish you the very best,
Dr. Mark

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